


Uprooted

by HeyYousGuys



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amish, M/M, Major life changes, My apologies if this offends anyone's beliefs, Possible sacrilege
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 12:22:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15663159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyYousGuys/pseuds/HeyYousGuys
Summary: "Dean hadn’t planned on spending the summer in Amish country. But… here he was. A bad breakup, spiraling into depression, being fired from his job, and a very strange heart to heart with Sam had lead him to this moment."After a bad bout of depression, and at Sam's urging, Dean makes plans to spend 4 months in Amish country, at the Yoder family's boarding cottages. After befriending their second son Gabriel and falling for their oldest son Castiel, Dean's not sure if he can last even that long. Will Dean be the one who wrecks the entire family and gets them shunned? Or will he be their salvation?





	1. The Yoder Family Cottages

**Author's Note:**

> (Told from alternating Can and Dean viewpoints. This story did not turn out how I'd intended it at all. These characters came to life and took over writing their own story. My apologies if the content offends anyone religious. Offense was not intended. Written with permission of an Amish friend of mine. I have the utmost respect for the Amish culture and the local community, though it's not exactly reflected in this story. My sincerest apologies to anyone who is upset by the way things play out in this story. Like I said, this turned out very differently from how I originally intended.) 
> 
> Guide to Amish words used in this fic:
> 
> Ordnung - The set of rules and guidelines the Amish follow. It dictates how they live, what they wear, how they court and marry, how they worship God, what jobs they can have, etc. Everything the Amish do must adhere to the Ordnung.
> 
> Bruders - Brothers (pronounced brooders).
> 
> Shwesters - Sister (pronounced shvesters).
> 
> English - Anyone who is not Amish (pronounced Ane-glish.)
> 
> Daed - Dad (pronounced Dat).
> 
> Mamm - Mom.
> 
> Kapp - the traditional head covering that females wear. Men wear wide-brimmed hats. 
> 
> Denki - Thank you (pronounced dane-key).
> 
> Rumschpringe - “Running around time”. A time in adolescent and young adult Amish lives when they are allowed to break the rules of the Ordnung and live like English people would. This is also when they start courting and looking for spouses. Rumschpringe ends when an Amish person decides to marry and join the church. Those who do not marry and join the church in a decent amount of time are often shunned for wanting to continue their freedom long past when it’s considered proper to do so. Others choose to leave voluntarily and not join the church. (Pronounced rum-shpring-ah). 
> 
> Singings - Gatherings of Amish adolescents on their Rumschpringe. Similar to English parties, but generally less rowdy. Though there may sometimes be alcohol, it is generally frowned upon at singings. Singings are usually where Amish adolescents find potential spouses.
> 
> [[Note: Technically, all nouns are capitalized in Pennsylvania Dutch, the language of the Amish. However, I feel like that pulls English (non-Amish) readers out of the story. So, I have chosen not to follow the rules of English capitalization.]]
> 
>  
> 
> A guide to the Yoder children:  
> Castiel - 22  
> Gabriel - 21  
> Anna - 20  
> Hannah - 18  
> Michael - 16  
> Balthazar - 14  
> Raphael - 13  
> Samandriel - 11

\-- D --

Dean hadn’t planned on spending the summer in Amish country. But… here he was. A bad breakup, spiraling into depression, being fired from his job, and a very strange heart to heart with Sam had lead him to this moment. 

He honestly didn’t know what to expect when he crested the hill in the road and came upon the sprawling property. There was a very large farmhouse, with many windows, indicating many rooms. There were a few smaller outbuildings (presumably the private cottages for boarders that had been featured in their ads). There were a few barns, which were currently filled with animals in pens and men toiling away around them. All in all, Dean was extremely impressed with the property. He thought the Amish were supposed to live simply. But this was a pretty successful-looking place!

Baby rumbled down the driveway as several of the working men paused what they were doing to either gawk at or admire the car (Dean couldn’t honestly tell which). Dean made note of one man in particular, who carried on while the rest came to a standstill. The man acted as though he neither saw nor heard anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps he was Deaf and didn’t hear the beautiful purr of Baby’s engine. He simply continued his work diligently as others stopped and watched Dean pull into a spot marked “Guests Only”. Dean shrugged it off as he put Baby into park and turned her off. 

A beautiful red-headed Amish woman exited the side door and walked calmly over to the driver’s side of the car. Dean got out and stretched his legs. “Hey! I’m Dean. Is this where I check in, or whatever, for the boarding houses?” The woman nodded and extended her hand.

“I’m Anna. Anna Yoder. My Daed runs this farm but I take care of overseeing the boarding houses.” Dean shook her hand gently. “You will be in cottage number 4. It’s the furthest away from the main house, so it’s the quietest and has the most privacy. That’s what you asked for, correct?” Dean nodded. “You’ll eat your meals in the main house, which is our family’s home. The boarders eat at the table with our family. My Daed, myself, and my six bruders and one shwester.” 

“Eight kids?! Wow! That’s a lot,” Dean replied, thoroughly impressed. “I have one brother. So big families are a little overwhelming to me. I basically raised Sam after our mother died, so I’m not used to so many people in one house.” 

“Your Mamm died, too? Ours did as well. After Samandriel was born, he’s 11.” She paused and looked around, locating the young boy. “That’s him, there.” She pointed to a skinny boy, hauling burlap bags, full of who knows what, that looked far too heavy for him but which he handled easily. Dean’s mind conjured images of angels with immense powers, far exceeding what their physical appearance made it seem that they should be able to handle. 

“He’s strong,” Dean commented.

“Aye. That he is. A hard worker, too. He’ll make a good Amishman in adulthood.”

“I don’t doubt it.” Dean’s eyes roamed over all of the men working, wondering which ones were Anna’s brothers and which ones were hired hands. There were more than 6 men, so not all of them could be her brothers. A few were dressed in regular clothes and no hat, so definitely not Amish and definitely not her brothers. 

Anna’s eyes followed Dean’s line of sight and she chuckled a little. “We hire English farmhands. And other Amish people to help around the farm. Not all of these are my Bruders. I’ll introduce you to my family at supper. I imagine, now, you need to get settled into your cottage. It’s the one at the back of the property. Go through the gate and follow the fenceline all the way back.” Anna pointed and traced the path with her finger. “Your cottage is in the back field on the left. The only one back there. You can’t miss it. If you run into any trouble, just come back here and find me and I’ll be happy to help you.”

“Thank you, Anna. You’ve been very helpful. What time should I come to the house for supper?” 

“7:00 is fine.” 

“And who do I pay?” Dean inquired, patting his pocket.

“You can pay any of us at any time. No rush. We trust you, Dean.” Anna smiled a kind, warm smile. 

“Even still, if I could get it out of the way now…” he pulled an envelope of cash out of his jacket pocket. 

“Fair enough. Whatever eases your mind,” Anna took the envelope and tucked it into her apron without counting it. Noticing Dean’s curious look, she said, “I trust you. But, if you’d like, I’ll count it once I’m inside and make sure it’s all there. If not, I’ll let you know.”

“Thank you,” Dean repeated, suddenly feeling awkward. 

“I’ll see you at 7:00 for supper, Dean.” 

“Yeah. See you,” he mumbled, feeling like a fish out of water already. He had never had someone trust him so inherently, especially with such a large sum of money. Dean was used to skepticism and mistrust. He honestly didn’t know how to handle himself around blind faith like this. ‘Oh, boy!’ he thought, ‘this will be an interesting four months!”

He walked around to the trunk of Baby while Anna headed back into the house, presumably to help prepare supper. It was still over 2 hours away but Dean imagined that cooking for so many people would take quite a while. He grabbed his bags and headed through the gate toward his cottage.

\-- C -- 

“Gabriel,” their schwester Anna called, running towards her bruders, “we’ve got another guest that I think you’ll find intriguing.”

Castiel stopped his work and sighed. Anna was not supposed to be running. And Anna was not supposed to be shouting. And Gabriel was not supposed to find their guests intriguing. He was supposed to be a good Amish son, like Castiel. He was supposed to work and follow the Ordnung and be dutiful. He was not supposed to concern himself with the worldly people that came to board with them on their farm. He was supposed to be like Castiel.

Castiel, the oldest of eight children, ignored the English boarders; Gabriel adored them. Castiel only spoke to them when spoken to; Gabriel had endless conversations with them. Castiel, though technically on his Rumschpringe, chose to keep to himself and read alone in his room during his free time; Gabriel went to bars with the English boarders and singings with their Amish friends and generally took full advantage of the Rumschpringe years. Gabriel always said he planned to enjoy his freedom while he had it, since he would eventually have to settle down, marry, and join the church.

Marry. There was the only case in which Gabriel was a better Amishman than Castiel. Gabriel spoke often of marriage and having his own farm. Though Castiel longed for his own farm, and maybe even children to raise, he knew he would never be permitted to live as his heart desired. Castiel knew it was wrong to look at men as men looked at women. The Ordnung expressly forbid it. It was an abomination in God’s eyes. And God knew what was in every person’s heart. God knew that Castiel was an abomination. Even if Castiel never acted on it, even if no human ever found out, God still knew and Castiel would spend eternity in the flames of Hell for it. 

Now forlorn, Castiel turned back to his work of hitching the plow to the horse. It was planting season and there was a lot of work to do if they were to have a successful harvest this year. Castiel had to prepare the fields for planting. He tried to tune out Anna’s description of the fascinating new Englishman and continued working diligently. If he poured enough energy into his work, he might forget about his inevitable future of an eternity in Hell. 

“What’s he like?” Gabriel said, pulling his hat up to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He flicked his hand toward Castiel, deliberately getting drops of sweat on Castiel. Gabriel did this sometimes, when he wanted his older brother’s attention. He would pull pranks or be intentionally obnoxious, all in the name of trying to get Castiel to pay attention to him. 

“You two needn’t concern yourselves with the man,” Castiel chided in Pennsylvania Dutch, their native language. While they all spoke fluent English, Castiel used their native tongue as a reminder of their heritage and commitment to the Ordnung. Bishop Lapp was not a strict Bishop, as some were, but he didn’t allow for worldly behavior and violations against the Good Lord. He would be very disappointed if he knew how excited Anna and Gabriel were about their new guest.

“His Mamm died, too. When he was young,” Anna replied as though Castiel hadn’t spoken. “He raised his bruder himself.” Anna made direct eye contact with Castiel at that. Castiel had been 11 when his Mamm had died. Old enough to help Daed with the younger kids until Anna, who had only been 9 at the time, was old enough to begin mothering duties. 

It had been a tough few years for the family and especially for Castiel. Their Mamm had died, their Daed had been very sad, sometimes too sad to function, and there were 7 younger siblings to worry about and care for. Perhaps that was why Castiel had grown up to be so serious and obedient: he’d had to give up his childhood too early and become an adult while still a child. 

“He seems very kind and polite,” Anna turned back to Gabriel, realizing that Castiel’s mind had wondered to long ago. “I’m sure he’s got some interesting stories. He was very personable.” 

“Brilliant!” Gabriel replied, using a slang term he’d learned from a boarder who had been visiting the US from England. While all non-Amish people were referred to as English, that boarder had actually been from England. That had been a fun conversation, trying to explain that to some of the younger kids; Balthazar still didn’t fully grasp the concept. To him, all non-Amishmen were Englishmen. Their country of origin didn’t matter. 

\-- D -- 

Dean glanced at his phone and noted the time. It was 6:45. Surely being slightly early wouldn’t be a problem. Better than being late. He decided to finish the rest of his unpacking later and head to dinner now. He had spent half an hour exploring his cottage, then another hour reading up on Amish culture and practices. He hadn’t meant to get lost in the reading, but it was all fascinating. 

He was especially fascinated with the concept of Rumschpringe, the time when Amish teenagers were allowed to do normal things. They were allowed to experience the real world before deciding to get married and join the church for life. They weren’t locked into the Amish life simply because of circumstances of birth. They had a choice. Dean found that intriguing. 

He wondered which of the Yoder family’s children were on their Rumschpringe and what they did for fun, since they were allowed to have fun. Maybe he would join them for some of those fun activities, since he knew no one else here. He technically still didn’t even know the Yoders. He had only met Anna. But he was spending the next four months here, surely he’d come to befriend at least a few of the family members who were close to his age.

He stepped out of his cottage and shielded his eyes against the fiercely bright sun. He paused for a moment, to let his eyes adjust. 

\-- C -- 

Castiel had known that the new boarder was in cottage 4 and, as such, he would see the man often as he worked the back field. But the sight of the man emerging from the cottage still startled Castiel. He slowed his horse and studied the man. He had a handsome physique, that was for sure. But Castiel couldn’t yet see his face. He hadn’t bothered to look when the man had first arrived, but he was curious now. The man’s hand shielded his eyes from the sun, which created a shadow over his face. The man seemed to be waiting for something. Castiel waited, too. 

After a few moments, the man lowered his hand. Castiel was surprised to see that the man was looking right at him. Castiel immediately looked down. The Englishman must’ve seen Castiel watching him. How remarkably rude of Castiel! He didn’t want any of their guests to feel unwelcome or judged, even though Castiel didn’t always like some of the guests. 

Though chagrined, he forced a smile onto his face and waved cordially, still not looking directly at the man, before pressing his horse to continue back toward the barn to be put up for the night. He fought the urge to look back up at the man. He didn’t want the man to take his curiosity as interest and strike up a conversation. Castiel had to get the horse and plow put away (and make sure that Raphael had actually done his job and given all of the animals their food and water supplies for the night) and then get washed up for dinner. He didn’t have time for idle chit chat right now. 

\-- D --

Dean watched the mysterious Amishman as he continued down the field. The man had been staring at Dean. What he was looking for, Dean didn’t know. It couldn’t be curiosity at someone who wasn’t Amish, they hosted a lot of boarders. According to the ad Sam had given to Dean, the Yoder family had been hosting boarders for 8 years. Dean surmised that the family was used to non-Amish people.

So what, then, was it about Dean that had made the man stop and stare? 

Still watching the man, Dean realized that this was the man who hadn’t looked up when Dean had arrived. Perhaps the man was just now getting a good look at Dean? Perhaps he actually was Deaf and was just now realizing that they had a new guest? Dean shrugged it off and headed toward the main house for supper. 

As he walked through the field toward the house, Dean took note of how serene and beautiful it was here. He could never live here permanently, but it was the perfect setting for the much needed break from his life that he was taking. He was finally over the breakup with Lisa (though, admittedly, it had taken him almost a year to get over her). He had spent so long being depressed and listless, even after he was over Lisa, that it had cost him his job. He had plenty in savings to get him through for a long while, though, so he wasn’t too worried. Now, here he was taking a break from his life to “find himself”. It seemed so cliche, “finding yourself”. But Sam was right: that was what Dean needed to do. And now Dean could see that Amish country was the perfect setting for it. 

He reached the house and stood awkwardly outside of it. He wasn’t sure which door to go in or if he was allowed to just walk in or if he should knock. Maybe he should wait for Anna to call everyone to the house for supper? Dean had seen movies of farmhouses where there was a bell or a triangle that someone rang to call everyone in for meals. Dean wondered if he should wait for that to happen.

“You can go on inside,” a voice said from behind him. Dean whirled around to see the man from the field again. “No need to knock. Our guests are family while they’re here. You’re welcome to make yourself at home, sir.” The man started to go inside, but Dean called out to him.

“Dean,” he corrected. “My name is Dean. Not sir, please.” The man paused and turned back to face Dean.

“Nice to meet you, Dean. My name is Castiel,” the man extended his hand and Dean shook it. So the man wasn’t Deaf. He must have just been wary of strangers and needed time to adjust to Dean’s presence on their property. Interesting. “I’m the oldest of the siblings. If there’s anything you need or if any of my bruders or shwesters bothers you, you just let me know and I’ll handle it.” 

\-- C --

“Thanks, Cas. I appreciate that,” Dean replied with a bright smile. Castiel paused, his hand still in Dean’s, and studied the man. He was breathtakingly beautiful. His green eyes were stunning, so full of depth and life. Castiel could study those eyes for hours and still not see every single fleck of color, every single detail, in them. 

And Dean’s familiarity of using a nickname for a stranger was certainly intriguing. He had called Castiel ‘Cas’. Normally, Castiel didn’t like it when people shortened his name. His Mamm had chosen his name because she loved it. Castiel honored her memory by always going by the name his Mamm loved, nothing less. Balthazar once called him ‘Cassy’ to tease him, but Castiel was quick to chide him and tell him to never shorten his name again. Somehow, Castiel didn’t mind Dean calling him ‘Cas’. There was just something about Dean that drew Castiel in. Castiel was enchanted by this man. 

\-- D --

Dean made note that they were still holding hands. But he was okay with it. Seeing Castiel up close was mesmerizing. From afar, he had looked like any other Amishman. Nothing remarkable: plain clothes, wide-brimmed hat, the traditional Amish haircut. No beard, though. Dean wondered why that was. Didn’t all Amish men have beards? But, up close, he was strikingly handsome. Gorgeous blue eyes framed by a pale face which itself was framed by dark hair. A strong jaw and soft, supple-looking lips.

‘Seriously, Dean?!’ he thought to himself. ‘The dude is fucking Amish! Even if he isn’t creeped out by non-Amish people who drive loud cars and have leather jackets, he’s definitely straight. Amish people probably don’t even know what gay or bi or any of that stuff is, for fuck’s sake.’ It was at this point that Dean released the man’s hand, realizing they’d been essentially holding hands for several minutes now. Dean didn’t believe in God and Hell and all that. But if they were real, Dean was going straight to Hell for having dirty thoughts about an Amish dude. 

\-- C --

Castiel felt a sense of loss as the man released his hand. It was shameful and wrong, he knew. But it felt good to be touching the man. It made Castiel feel tingly all over, like when you first wake up in the morning and are still partially dreaming. He had felt lighter, somehow, while touching the man. Though they were no longer touching, Castiel couldn’t tear his eyes away from the beautiful face in front of him. Dean didn’t seem inclined to look away either. Was the spark between them actually real or was Castiel imagining it, hoping for it? It seemed like Dean might also be having unnatural desires. This was not a good situation for Castiel at all. He forced his eyes away from Dean’s face and looked down at the ground.

\-- D -- 

Dean watched some inner fight play across Castiel’s face. The man was struggling with something, Dean could tell. But what the struggle was, he wasn’t sure. There was an energy between them. Dean could feel it. If Castiel were a normal person, Dean would say that there was a mutual attraction between them. But Castiel was Amish. Attraction couldn’t be what Dean was sensing between them. There had to be another explanation. 

Perhaps they’d met before and their brains sensed it, though neither man consciously remembered it? But that couldn’t be the case either. Dean had never been to Amish country. And Dean figured that since Amish people didn’t drive or fly or whatever, Castiel had never been anywhere but around his home. So what was the root of the weird feeling between them?

Castiel tore his eyes away from Dean’s gaze and looked down at the ground. Dean felt like Castiel was closing himself off from whatever connection they had. The man’s face was set in stone now, unreadable. Dean had so clearly read his emotions a minute ago. Now: nothing. Dean felt like he had hit a wall. The abrupt change confused him and left him feeling off-kilter. He kicked the toe of his boot on the ground and bit his lower lip, unsure of what to do. 

Across from him, Castiel sighed and silently walked in the side door of the house. Dean watched him go, wondering what the hell just happened between them. 

“Don’t mind Castiel,” a man’s voice said from off to his left. Dean turned to see another Amishman coming toward him. Was this a bit the Yoder family did? Get your attention when you weren’t looking and strike up a conversation as they approached for dramatic effect? If so, it was a little annoying. 

The man came over to Dean and stood before him. Dean noted that this man also did not have a beard. “The name’s Gabriel. I’m Castiel’s younger bruder. Not by much. He’s 22, I’m 21. Anna, who you met earlier, is 20. By the looks of you, I’d guess you were around our age.”

“I’m also 22,” Dean replied, trying to remain polite. 

“Ah. A compatriot!” Gabriel clapped his hands together. The word compatriot sounded so strange in the Amish accent that Gabriel, and all of the Yoders he’d met thus far, had. “I can show you some of the fun places around here, if you like. How long are you with us?” 

“Four months. At least.”

“At least?” Gabriel inquired.

“I may extend the stay, depending on what happens while I’m here and how I’m feeling. This is kind of a transformative period in my life.” 

“A mid-life crisis before mid-life?” Gabriel waggled his eyebrows, a gesture that struck Dean as odd coming from an Amish person.

“You could say that.” Dean nodded.

“And you’ve come here to be secluded and rediscover yourself, have you?” Gabriel quirked an eyebrow, another odd gesture for an Amishman.

“Intuitive,” Dean commented, impressed. 

“Well, Dean, my new friend, I wish you luck in that endeavor.” Gabriel clapped him on the back and started to head into the house. 

“Gabriel!” Dean called, getting the man’s attention. Gabriel turned back, a curious expression on his face. “Why did you say not to mind Castiel just now?” 

“Oh, my dear Dean-O. That’s a chat for another time. Though, probably a chat we should have sooner rather than later.” Gabriel gave Dean’s a once-over and smiled, as though approving. What he was approving of, Dean had no idea.


	2. Making Friends

As Gabriel headed into the house, Dean was left feeling off-kilter again. He wondered if the rest of the Yoder family was as mind-boggling as the oldest two brothers were. Perhaps this vacation wouldn’t be as restful and stress-free as Dean thought it would be. 

Just then, a teenage girl emerged from the house and rang a bell nearby. Dean laughed to himself. So they did have a dinner bell that they rang. ‘How quaint and adorable’, Dean thought to himself as he headed for the side door that the brothers had entered. 

As Dean came into the house, he emerged directly into the kitchen. It was quite crowded, with people moving about and completing final preparations for a very large meal. Dean tried to stay out of the way as he watched people carry dishes of food to a very large table just through an archway. Dean could see part of the table, where many table settings were ready for people to eat. 

Dean tapped a teenage boy near him and inquired, “Should I help with anything?” 

The boy shook his head and grabbed a large pot full of mashed potatoes before carrying them into the dining room.

“Don’t worry, Dean-the-lean, you’re welcome to help if you wish.” Gabriel grabbed a large dish of gravy, presumably to go with the mashed potatoes the boy had just carried away. “Michael just has an overactive sense of propriety and thinks our guests should never have to lift a finger to do work. I disagree. People board here because they want to experience Amish homelife. Therefore, they should be allowed to do the same work we do, if they wish. Besides, we call our guests family. Why not let them actually act like family? Grab that tray of chicken meat, if you want. It goes in the center of the table in the other room.” Gabriel nodded toward a large silver tray on a countertop. Dean grabbed it and followed Gabriel into the dining room. 

“Oh, Dean, you don’t have to do that,” Anna said as Dean entered the room. He sidestepped her as she tried to take the tray off of his hands.

“If Dean would like to be of use to us, Anna, let him be,” an older Amish man, who was already seated, said. The man was the only one in the family with a beard. Dean still hadn’t quite figured out what a beard signified.

“Yes, Daed,” Anna replied. She promptly turned and headed back into the kitchen area. 

Dean set the tray of meat in the center of the table, on a lovely metal trivet in the shape of a buggy. He chuckled a bit upon seeing it. 

“I told you it was funny, Daed!” Gabriel piped up as he took his seat. “You told me it was for tourists who were unnaturally fascinated with our way of life. I told you it was hilariously ironic for an Amish family to own it. And, look, it’s amused our new friend Dean.”

“Gabriel, please,” Michael chided, putting a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. “Stop showing off for our new guest. It’s not proper.” Michael took a seat between Gabriel and their father. 

“Michael, to quote my lovely California friend who stayed here last winter: chill!” Gabriel’s words earned a chuckle from more than one person in the room, including Dean. “Dean-anator, have a seat anywhere. There are no assigned seats, except for Daed, who sits at the head of the table.” Gabriel gestured toward the older Amishman. Dean nodded in greeting and was met with a smile from the man.

Dean took a seat next to Gabriel. He secretly hoped that Castiel would take the empty seat on the other side of him, but no such luck. Almost immediately, the strong, young boy from before sat in the chair. He extended his small hand to Dean and smiled up at him. “I’m Samandriel, but you can call me Sammy, if you want. Most of my bruders and schwesters call me Sammy.” 

“Hey! My little brother’s name is Sammy, too!” Dean shook the kid’s hand, earning him a bright smile. Dean liked the kid instantly. It wasn’t just the name that reminded him of his own brother Sammy. It was the positive attitude and friendly, easy-going nature. Dean knew he would like this kid a lot. 

“Is your bruder really little? Or just littler than you?” Samandriel inquired. 

“He’s only 4 years younger. Not really very little at all, either.” 

“How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?” Samandriel asked.

“Samandriel, it’s not polite to ask someone’s age!” Michael admonished.

“It’s fine, Michael,” Dean cut in, ready to diffuse an argument. “After all, I’m family while I’m here. You all should know more about me. I’m happy to answer any questions that you have.”

“Personable! I like you!” The teenage girl who had rang the dinner bell commented as she entered the room and sat down across from Samandriel. “I’m Hannah. I’m 18. I’m the 4th oldest. And I have plenty of questions, if you’re honest about really wanting to answer questions.”

“Hannah!” Michael piped up again. 

“Oh stuff it in your already stuffy shirt, Michael!” Hannah commented. Dean held back a chuckle at that.

“Hannah!” Their father warned. “Be nice to your bruder. He’s just trying to remind us all to make a good impression on our guest! We should all be thankful for Michael’s reminders of propriety.”

“Thank you, Daed.” Michael said.

At the same time Hannah said, “Sorry, Daed.” 

“You’re welcome, Michael, and you’re forgiven, Hannah,” their father responded. “Now, before we begin interrogating our newest addition to the Yoder family of boarders, let us first allow the rest of the family to take their seats. We are still missing three of your bruders. After they’re seated, let us pray and then serve food. Once we all have begun eating, then you may ask questions. Dean, you are allowed to refuse to answer. Do not allow my children’s curiosity to overwhelm you.” 

“Thank you…” Dean trailed off, unsure of what to call the man. He didn’t feel comfortable calling him Daed because the man was not his father. But he didn’t know the man’s name. 

“Chuck,” the man supplied the answer. “My given name is Amos. But I earned the nickname Chuck as a teenager for the, frankly, dangerous way in which I played the game of horseshoes. The nickname stuck and most people call me Chuck nowadays.” 

Dean smiled, both in amusement at the nickname and in fondness for the man. Chuck had a quiet energy about him that seemed to calm his children. His corrections to their behavior were not castigations, merely calm reminders of what proper behave was. He seemed to be a man of very even temperament. Dean imagined it came from a lifetime of Amish upbringing, years of living as a widow, and being a single father of 8 children. 

Just then, two adolescent boys ran into the room and nearly collided with the chair next to Chuck. “Boys,” their father said gently, “no running in the house.”

“Sorry, Daed,” the younger of the boys replied. “We didn’t want to be late for dinner.”

“Liar! You wanted to race!” The older boy made a face at his brother. 

“Balthazar, Raphael, enough!” Anna chided as she re-entered the room and sat at the opposite end of the table as their father. 

The two boys pouted a bit but sat down near their father, which left the chair directly across from Dean as the only open seat. Internally, Dean didn’t know if he was excited that Castiel would have to sit across from him or terrified of what could happen. He thought, perhaps, the answer was both. “Are there no other boarders, then?” Dean asked, indicating the lone empty seat that awaited Castiel.

“No. You’re the only one right now. We put the other chairs away in storage until we get other guests. No sense in crowding the table with empty chairs,” Chuck explained. Dean nodded in understanding. So it was only him and the Yoder family for dinner. That would be interesting. Dean felt oddly like a guest of honor and a museum exhibit at the same time. He folded his hands and looked over the food in front of him, impressed by the selection of fresh and nutritious foods.

The family chatted quietly amongst themselves as they waited for Castiel to join them. Dean’s attention was taken by Samandriel, who tugged on Dean’s sleeve. “How long are you staying with us?” 

“Four months. At least. Maybe longer, if things work out.”

Samandriel’s smile widened. “Good! I like you!” He patted Dean on the arm softly. Dean rubbed the boy’s hair, a gesture he had done to his own Sammy many times. Samandriel smiled even wider, which Dean would not have thought could be possible. Talk about a happy child! 

Just then, Chuck cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention. Dean looked around and realized that Castiel had quietly joined them. Dean hadn’t even noticed the man enter the room and sit down. Everyone around the table joined hands, Dean being the last to do so because he hadn’t known they were doing so. Samandriel gave his hand a small squeeze, as if to say, ‘You’re doing fine.’ Dean smiled down at the kid and winked at him, earning another large smile. 

They all bowed their heads as Chuck began a prayer in Pennsylvania Dutch. Dean had read earlier that this was the native language of the Amish. He didn’t understand a word of it, but perhaps someone could teach it to him one day. If they were allowed to. Dean had no idea if there were rules about that sort of thing. 

\-- C --

When Castiel had slipped into the dining room, he had noticed that the only available chair was directly across from Dean. He dreaded having to avert his eyes all evening. Especially when he would be so tempted to stare at Dean’s handsome face. Castiel sat quietly, trying not to draw attention to himself. He was glad that Sammy had Dean’s attention. It meant that he could slip in without being noticed. 

As soon as Daed saw that Castiel had joined them, he cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention. Castiel blushed as Dean’s eyes immediately went to Castiel. Had Dean been waiting for him? ‘Don’t get your hopes up,’ Castiel thought. ‘Of course he was waiting for you. Everyone was waiting for you.’ He joined hands with Raphael, on his left, and Hannah, on his right, and listened to his Daed’s prayer. His Daed prayed for their new guest and for a safe stay for him, in addition to their usual prayers of safety, piety, and humbleness for the family members. 

Upon completion of the prayer, Hannah immediately leaned forward and looked at Dean across the table. “So, can I begin my questions now?” Dean nodded and flashed Hannah a dazzling smile. Castiel both loved and hated that smile. It was so beautiful, which was wrong for Castiel to think. “How old are you?”

“Beat you to that question,” Gabriel chimed in, “He’s 22, just like Castiel.” At the mention of his name, Dean’s attention zeroed in on Castiel. Castiel could’ve cursed Gabriel for mentioning him and drawing Dean’s focus to him. He dropped his eyes to his plate and refused to make eye contact with the handsome man across from him.

“That’s right, Cas. We’re both 22. Oldest of the kids here. When’s your birthday?” Dean popped a forkful of mashed potatoes in his mouth.

“November. I’ll be 23 this year.” Castiel didn’t look up from his food. He, too, filled his mouth with food, but not out of hunger, as Dean had. Castiel was determined to keep his mouth full of food so that he didn’t have to talk anymore. It was hard enough knowing that Dean was looking at him. There was no way Castiel was going to be able to carry on a conversation with the man in front of his whole family. 

“Mine is in January. I just turned 22. So I guess that makes you older.” Castiel looked up as Dean scooped up a forkful of potatoes again. “But only by 2 months.” Dean winked and brought his fork to his mouth. Castiel blushed again and focused on the food in front of him.

“So, Dean, where do you live?” Hannah, thank the Lord for her, butted in again.

“Originally from Lawrence, Kansas. But I moved to St. Louis with my girlfriend several years ago.” 

And there it was: hope. Maybe Dean wasn’t a threat. Maybe Castiel would be able to fight his growing attraction to the man. Dean was straight. He dated women. There was no way he could ever return Castiel’s attraction, not that Castiel would ever act on it. So Castiel could get over his weird feelings and ignore how beautiful Dean was, since there was never a chance that Dean would reciprocate those feelings. Castiel looked back up at Dean, much less worried now. “After she and I broke up,” Dean continued, “I stayed in St. Louis for a while. But things weren’t working out. So, for the next four months, I live here. After that, we’ll see where the wind takes me.”

\-- D --

As Hannah continued to interview Dean, he watched Castiel subtly. Something had changed again. Dean didn’t know what. But Castiel seemed more open, like he had when they had shook hands earlier. Dean didn’t know what the difference was, but he was glad it happened. Castiel would barely even look at Dean for the first several minutes of dinner. Now, he was acting completely normal. It made Dean’s heart happy. Dean knew he had no chance with the very straight Amish man, who probably thought that all bisexuals like Dean would burn in Hell. Even still, Dean liked having the hot Amishman’s attention. 

\-- C --

“Why did you come here?” Balthazar probed. 

“My brother, Sammy.” Dean nudged Samandriel conspiratorially. Sammy, as always, beamed with happiness. “He found this ad for the Yoder Family Boarding Cottages. Passed it along to me and I liked the idea. Well, at first I didn't. I was in denial, convinced that everything was fine in my life; even though it very much wasn’t. Sammy had to talk me into it,” Dean chuckled to himself. “But I knew he was right: I needed a break from my life and I needed to clear my head.” 

“We’re happy to help you do so,” Daed added. Dean smiled at Daed and Daed smiled back, nodding his approval. Castiel felt somehow better. As though seeing his Daed approve of Dean meant anything. Of course his Daed approved. Daed genuinely liked the majority of the boarders who came to stay with them. 

“About the ad,” Dean scooped another load of potatoes onto his fork. “How do you guys have an ad if you’re not allowed to use electricity and all that?” 

“We have a friend in town who did it for us and sent it out to magazines and such. All it took was bribing her with a few of Castiel’s Elderberry pies and she agreed to help us out.” Anna laughed at her own joke.

\-- D --

“Pie?” Dean’s voice was full of hope. “I love pie!” 

“Castiel makes great pies. Mine are okay,” Anna lamented. “But no one can bake a pie as delicious as Castiel can!” 

“The fastest way to a Dean’s heart is through pie,” Dean repeated a phrase he’d said many times, not immediately realizing the implications of the statement. It wasn’t until Castiel looked down and blushed that Dean realized what he’d said. He also blushed, though he fought to keep eye contact with the family members, fearing they might sense his double entendre if he looked down.

\-- C --

“Why did you and your girlfriend break up? I thought you only courted people you were going to marry,” Raphael asked, genuinely. Poor, naive, little Raphael. At 13, he hadn’t experienced much outside of their community. Sure, he chatted sometimes with the boarders who came to stay with them, but he was still so naive about how worldly people lived. 

Dean chuckled uneasily. “Well… umm… in my world, outside of the Amish world, people date to see if they might be compatible. Sometimes, it’s a mistake. But that’s how we figure out what we like. Who we like,” Dean’s eyes met Castiel’s and, for a moment, Castiel felt that same connection from before. He blushed and turned his attention to his water glass, taking a large drink and refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. 

\-- D --

‘Interesting,’ Dean thought. Why was Cas reacting like that, averting his gaze and blushing so obviously? Was he just prudish and, therefore, embarrassed by Dean’s words? Or did he feel that same spark ignite once again and was now trying to subvert it? Dean’s attention stayed on Cas. He didn’t hear Raphael’s follow-up question. Or Gabriel clearing his throat to get Dean’s attention. Or the table get quieter as people realized that Dean was lost in thought. 

Suddenly, Dean felt Gabriel nudge his side. He turned his attention to his new friend. “Uh. Sorry. What?” 

“Raphael asked about your car,” Gabriel supplied. 

“Oh. Yeah. My Baby. I love that car! What about it?” Dean turned his attention to Raphael. Having so many different people to focus on from moment to moment was already starting to wear on Dean. There were a lot of people in this room. Dean felt drastically outnumbered. 

“Why is it so loud?” Raphael repeated his earlier inquiry.

“Because she’s so powerful,” Dean answered, flashing his best million-dollar-smile. He was proud of his Baby. He took great care of that car and made sure it was always in top notch shape. 

“If it’s okay with Daed, could I ride in it with you some time?” Raphael bounced eagerly on the edge of his seat. Dean noticed several of the Yoder children lean forward, too. Looks like he was going to have to give the kids rides in Baby at some point. 

“If it’s okay with your Daed. And if it won’t get you guys in trouble with your neighbors or community or anything. I don’t want to cause trouble.”

“It’s fine,” Chuck assured him with a smile. “We are permitted to ride in cars, we just aren’t allowed to drive them ourselves. That’s why we have our horses and buggies.” 

“Could I ride in a buggy some time?” Dean asked eagerly, nearly mirroring Raphael’s eagerness.

Chuck laughed, clearly amused at Dean’s youthful exuberance. “Most certainly. Castiel is the best driver. He can give you a ride in one, whenever you want.” 

\-- C --

‘Oh no! No no no, Daed. Don’t say that. Don’t offer me alone time with Dean.’ Castiel hoped, if he thought these words hard enough, that his Daed would read his mind and rescind the offer. No such luck. Dean and Daed were both looking to Castiel now. 

“Pssh,” everyone’s attention snapped to Gabriel, “like Castiel would take time out of his work schedule to go for joy rides. No, sir. Not even in his free time. Don’t want to tear him away from his books. Deanie-Pie, I’ll take you for a buggy ride sometime. It would be my pleasure.” 

“Thanks, Gabe!” Dean said and then turned his focus to Sammy, who was tugging his sleeve. 

Castiel looked at Gabriel, who simply met his eyes and winked before looking back at Dean. Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. Gabriel knew, without ever having been told, that Castiel had unnatural desires. They never discussed it, but Gabriel had stepped in enough times during moments like this that Castiel knew that his younger brother was protecting him. 

Like the time one of their boarders went on a rant about how she wished everyone was like the Amish. The US had just legalized gay marriage and the woman was droning on and on about how all the “fags were going to burn in Hell”. It had hurt Castiel’s very soul. The Amish might not condone homosexuality, but they were not a hateful people. This woman had been very hateful. Which is how Gabriel had ended up debating gay marriage with the woman. 

The woman left promptly the next morning, cutting her stay short by almost a week. But, much to Castiel’s relief, their Daed had thanked Gabriel for standing up for kindness and compassion. He reminded his children that homosexuality was not allowed among the Amish and was a reason someone could be shunned, but that hatred of anyone, even sinners, was not tolerated, either. “The Lord tells us to treat all people as bruders and shwesters,” he said softly, ending discussion on the topic. 

Castiel knew that he would be shunned if anyone ever found out that he was attracted to men. But he was so thankful for his Daed’s compassionate understanding and kindness toward others. It made Castiel feel a little better about his own sinful thoughts. Maybe his family would still love him if they knew who he truly was. 

\-- D --

Dean had watched as Castiel’s face took on a look of panic at his Daed’s suggestion that he take Dean for a buggy ride. It hurt a little, Dean had to admit to himself. Gabriel swooped in and saved the day, but Dean was happy to divert his attention to Samandriel after that. 

The rest of dinner had been more questions for Dean and more getting to know the family members. Dean thought he pretty much had a handle on who was who. He would just have to remember their names when he ran into each of them separately. 

Dean wanted to be a good guest and get their names right every time. So, as he sat and listened to the older kids summarize their day’s work for their father, he studied each person and repeated their name in his head. He couldn’t do this with Castiel, however. There was something between them and Dean didn’t want to be caught staring again. He was pretty sure that Castiel was uncomfortable looking at Dean or having Dean look at him. Dean wanted to respect that. Besides, it wasn’t like he would forget who Castiel was or mix him up with one of the other boys. The only confusion for Dean when it came to Castiel was if their connection was one of attraction or something else.

After dinner, the girls and younger boys began clearing the table and washing the dishes. Dean excused himself, after being told repeatedly that he did not need to help clean up. He stepped out the side door and headed toward his cottage. 

“Wait up, Deanie Beanie!” Gabriel called to him. Dean slowed his walk enough to allow Gabriel to catch up. 

“What’s going on, Gabriel?” Dean looked at his new friend but Gabriel wouldn’t make eye contact. 

“We need to talk,” Gabriel’s voice was quieter now. Dean knew something serious was about to be discussed. Something the others couldn’t overhear. He allowed them to walk in silence for a bit, knowing Gabriel was trying to get out of earshot of the others before he spoke further. 

They stopped in a grove of trees, partially shielded from the world around them. Gabriel stopped and glanced around, making sure they were alone. “I don’t judge. I actually think there’s nothing wrong with it. So, tell me the truth…” Gabriel looked at Dean kindly. “Do you like men as well as women?” 

Dean was taken aback by the question. This was not a question he expected from an Amishman. And not a question he expected to be asked so kindly. It was clear that there was no judgment or disdain from Gabriel. 

“Look, Dean, you don’t have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. But God made us all in the way He intended us to be. That includes people with other sexualities. God made them the way they are and they are perfect as they are. I truly believe that. And I need you to know something about our family. But, first, I need to know if I can trust you to keep this information a secret.” 

“Gabe, you can trust me. And the answer is yes. I am bisexual. It took me years to fully accept it and be comfortable with myself. But by the time I was 16, I knew who I was and, by 18, I was okay with myself.” 

“Good.” Gabe put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Because Castiel is gay.” 

Dean felt his whole world shift and tumble at this bombshell. He felt unsteady on his feet. Not only was an Amishman gay but an Amishman that Dean felt a definite connection to was gay. Holy shit! What did this mean? Was the connection between them real? Was it a mutual attraction? Dean had no intention of corrupting an Amishman. But knowing that Castiel was gay would make the next four months unbearable. 

How could Dean resist his attraction to Castiel now? Sure, Castiel would probably never act on his desires. But… if he didn’t act on them, how did Gabriel know that Castiel was gay? 

“Wait. Wait!” Dean said, trying to right his world again. “How do you even know? Are you telling me that Castiel has dated men?” 

“No. He hasn’t even told me for sure. But I know my bruder. I see the looks he gets in his eyes. I saw passion in his eyes once when I showed him a magazine that had photos of men without shirts. I was young and was shocked by the photos. I was asking him who would want pictures of their half naked body published for everyone to see. And that was when I first suspected. Castiel looked at those photos in a way that told me he liked them very much. 

“I’ve seen that same lustful look since. He tries to hide it, but I can see right through him. I know my bruder well. As well as I know myself. I saw fire in his eyes a few years ago when a boarder started speaking hatefully of gay people. And I can see, plain as day, that he is attracted to you, Dean.” 

Dean had to sit down. He couldn’t keep himself upright anymore. He slid to the ground and supported himself against a tree trunk. 

“You’re attracted to him, too, aren’t you, Dean?” Dean nodded, unable to lie to his new friend. “I thought so. I could see it. I was watching you two earlier, outside, when you shook hands and didn’t let go. You two connected like I’ve only ever seen married couples connect. It happened again for a moment during dinner. And Castiel kept blushing and looking away from you all through the meal. I knew there was something there. Which is why I had to talk to you tonight.

“For Castiel’s sake, please avoid him.” Dean looked up at Gabriel, bewildered. “Even if he’s strong enough to fight his desires and whatever connection you two might have, I don’t want any rumors going around. Castiel’s life has been hard enough.” Gabriel sat down next to Dean and leaned against the trunk of the same tree. 

“When Mamm died, Daed fell into a depression. At age 11, Castiel had to be the head of the family, even though he was still a child himself. At a time when he was just understanding that he wasn’t like other Amish, that his base desires were expressly forbidden by the Ordnung, he was also raising a family. A family that he shouldn’t have had to raise. 

“He was so alone during that time, struggling with the thought that he was going to burn in Hell. We Amish believe that God knows what’s in your heart and your thoughts. Even if you don’t express it or act upon it, God knows. I don’t believe that God thinks homosexuality is wrong. I’m supposed to, but I don’t. But Castiel does. And he genuinely believes that he’s going to spend eternity in Hell, separate from all of us and all alone. That’s not an easy burden to bear.

“For his sake, just try to avoid him, if you can. I know he’ll be trying to avoid you. So just give him the luxury and courtesy of space, please.” Gabriel’s eyes were pleading. Dean nodded, knowing he would do his best. 

“I’m not here to cause trouble, Gabe,” Dean assured him. “I came here to get away from a troubled life. To start fresh. I don’t intend to make things difficult for your brother or your family or anyone else. I promise you that I will keep to myself as much as possible.”

“You can still interact with the rest of us,” Gabe chuckled. 

“Won’t it look suspicious if Castiel is the only one I’m not speaking to?” 

“Nope!” Gabe laughed again. “Castiel can be very antisocial sometimes. I think it’s because he doesn’t want people to find out who he really is. We share a bedroom, so he can’t escape me. But he avoids other people a lot of the time. It won’t seem odd if you interact with us but avoid him. He’ll be avoiding you anyway. So no worries there.” 

“Okay. I can do that then. I will interact normally with you all and I will leave Castiel alone. I promise you.” 

“Well, enough heavy talk, compadre. Let’s switch to a lighter topic.” Gabriel waggled his eyebrows again. 

“You act and speak like such a normal person,” Dean commented. Gabe leveled him with a pointed gaze. “Sorry!” Dean responded, chagrined. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that you don’t act Amish.” 

“The word you’re looking for is English. I act like an Englishman,” Gabe supplied, laughing and brushing off Dean’s faux-pas. 

“English?” 

“Yes. It’s what we call all non-Amish people. Doesn’t have to mean that you’re from England. All non-Amish folks are the English.” Gabe explained calmly. 

“Ah. Gotcha. Well then, you act and speak so English,” Dean corrected himself. 

“Much better, Dean Papine.” Gabriel gently elbowed Dean to show no hard feelings. “I chat with our guests quite a bit. I pick up slang and expressions and mannerisms from them. A lot of the elders don’t like it, so I have to be more careful around them. But I’m also on Rumschpringe, so I can do whatever I want. Well, mostly. Not everything I want.”

“I read about Rumschpringe. It sounds awesome.”

“It’s not all party-time, Deanie-poo,” Gabriel replied.

“I don’t mean that. I mean that it’s nice that you are allowed that freedom to explore the outside world and then choose to stay Amish or not. You’re not confined to this lifestyle. It’s cool.”

“Well… I mean, technically, we have a choice.” Gabriel used air quotes when he said the word ‘choice’. “But we really don’t. It just gives us the illusion of choice. Do you think most of us are really prepared to live in the real world? Sure, Amish kids get a little wild during Rumschpringe. But we can’t really go out into the world. The ones who’ve tried have been so overwhelmed by culture shock that it’s damaging to them. We don’t know how to function in English society. So the majority of us just get married and join the church. There’s not much choice involved.”

“Oh. I see. I hadn’t thought of it that way…” An awkward pause fell between them for a few moments. But after a minute or so, it settled into a calm quiet, no longer awkward. Dean hummed a tune as Gabriel bobbed his head along. 

After a few minutes of nothing but Dean humming, Gabriel sighed heavily. “I wish my bruder trusted people enough to open up to them. I think he would be happier if he had some friends that he could talk to,” Gabriel commented.

“But you said he could never tell anyone that he’s gay.”

“I don’t just mean open up about that. I mean about anything at all. He never wants to talk to anyone. Sometimes, he and I talk. But he’s still pretty guarded. I just wish…” Gabriel trailed off and stared at the sky above them. 

“Just wish what?” Dean pressed.

“I just wish that I could tell him, explicitly, that I know. I wish that he could trust me. I wish that he would open up to me.”

“Start by opening up to him,” Dean offered. “If he knows you trust him, maybe he’ll trust you?” 

“Yeah. Maybe.” Gabriel nudged Dean lightly with his elbow, a way of saying thanks without words. Dean nudged him back and chuckled a bit. 

The two new friends lay on the ground, watching the sun go down and the stars appear in the sky. They chatted off and on about trivial things, never getting back into the heavy stuff. Dean was content like this: watching the stars and having a friend to talk to. It was relaxing. 

\-- C --

Castiel waited up. It was late and he would regret it in the morning, but he had to know why Gabriel went after Dean and why Gabriel was still gone. It couldn’t just be Gabriel’s normal desire to chat with their boarders. He never took them aside alone to chat. He never escorted them to the tree grove, which shielded them from view of the house. Something was up and Castiel needed to know what. 

Gabriel came sneaking through the bedroom door, silently. He probably assumed that Castiel was already asleep. But Castiel was wide awake, sitting up in bed, waiting for his bruder’s return.

“Where have you been?” Castiel asked quietly, in case someone was in the hallway listening. No one would spy on them, Castiel knew that. But he still stayed quiet, just in case.

“Talking to Dean.” Gabriel couldn’t lie to Castiel. They might keep secrets from one another sometimes but they would never, when asked directly, lie. 

“About what?” 

“You,” Gabriel replied simply, stripping his outer clothes and preparing for bed. 

“Gabriel, did you…” Castiel’s voice trailed off. He was afraid to ask. Castiel knew that Gabriel knew that he was different. But they’d never discussed it. Never said it out loud. But Castiel needed to know. Would his bruder really tell a stranger about it? 

“Castiel,” Gabriel said gently, sitting down on the edge of Castiel’s bed. “I had to tell him. I told him to avoid you and respect that you’ll be avoiding him. I told him what would happen if anyone knew. He doesn’t want to cause any trouble. So he agreed to avoid you and give you space. He won’t bother you this summer, Castiel. And, when he leaves, you can go back to living your life.”

“Gabriel, I-” Castiel stopped abruptly. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. ‘Thank you for telling him’? But was Castiel grateful for that? ‘I don’t want to go back to living my life; my life is a lie’? It was, that much was true. But he would go back to living that lie. He had no choice. 

“Castiel, it’s fine. You needn’t say anything, unless you want to. And I’m sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. That was not my intention. I was trying to help. I was trying to protect you, my bruder.” 

“I know,” Castiel replied, wrapping an arm around his brother’s shoulder. “I’m grateful for your protection and your help.” He had so much more to say. He wanted to thank Gabriel for telling Dean the truth. He wanted to admonish Gabriel for outing his secret. He wanted to ask how Gabriel had first realized Castiel’s unnatural desires. He wanted, desperately, to know what Dean’s response had been.

But he couldn’t ask that. What good would it do? If Dean felt the same way, which he seemed to, it would be that much harder for Castiel to fight it. But if he didn’t feel the same way, maybe Castiel could get over his desires and go back to living his life as it had been before he’d met Dean. His heart broke at the thought that Dean might not feel the same way. Perhaps his fascination had simply been because Castiel was Amish and not as outgoing as his siblings. Perhaps Dean was just intrigued by the quiet, mysterious, religious zealot. 

“Do you want me to tell you what he said?” Gabriel inquired. “Because I can read your face clearly and I know what’s bothering you right now. Do you want to know?” 

“Yes and no,” Castiel sighed. He pulled his arm back and hugged himself tightly, trying to hold on to some part of his Amish self, to the man his Mamm would’ve wanted him to be. “If Dean feels the same way, that’ll make it harder to fight. But if he doesn’t, that’ll make it easier to move on.” 

“So which outcome would you prefer?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?” Castiel bit his lip and looked down, not sure he wanted Gabriel’s advice, but knowing that he needed it. 

“I think you can’t keep living a lie, Castiel. You need to accept who you are and live your truth. God will be okay with it.” Castiel’s head snapped up to look at his bruder. He had no idea Gabriel felt this way. 

“But the Ordnung…” 

“Oh, screw the Ordnung!” Gabriel stood up forcefully, looking like a man ready for a fight. 

“Gabriel!” Castiel was shocked. That was blasphemy! Surely Gabriel didn’t mean it. 

“I’m serious. Who cares what the Ordnung says? It has all of these rules that make us feel ashamed and guilty. Bishop Lapp talks of God as though He’s a vicious, vengeful being. But God is love. God is supposed to be a father. A father would not take pleasure in watching His son be so conflicted. A loving God would never create homosexuals if He truly hated them. Which, by the way,” Gabriel leveled Castiel was a serious gaze, “I don’t think He does.”

“Don’t think He does what?” 

“Hate homosexuals. God made you the way you are. You try so hard to be so good and such a perfect Amishman. Why would God punish you with a struggle? You’re the most obedient Amishman I know. God could not have made any mistakes with you. So He must have meant to make you this way. And if God loves us as His children, then He must be okay with homosexuality.” 

“Gabriel, this isn’t a discussion I want to have right now.” Castiel was very uncomfortable. Gabriel’s words were sacrilege. Castiel wanted so desperately to believe the Gabriel was right. But everything in their upbringing had told him that his desires were wrong, unnatural, and the reason he was going to Hell. 

“Fine.” Gabriel sat forcefully on his own bed. “But you need to deal with this sometime. You’re perfect and God loves you.”

“It’s blasphemy, Gabriel. I won’t have it.” 

“If you want to stick to some antiquated religion and live a life of unhappiness and misery, that’s on you. But I don’t have to stick around and watch you be tortured because you deny your true self.” With that, Gabriel laid back and threw the covers over his head. 

“What?! What do you mean you don’t have to stick around?” There was no reply from Gabriel. Castiel waited for Gabriel to calm down, which he always did after a few minutes of silence. Gabriel had a quick temper but it was also quick to dissipate. 

“I’m sorry,” Gabriel poked his head out of the blanket, “I didn’t mean to put that on you yet. I wanted to wait. But something changed when Dean arrived. It’s only been a few hours and I already feel a thousand times better than I have in years. Than I have since Mamm died.”

“You want to leave?” Castiel clarified.

“Ya,” Gabriel began but then shook his head, “I mean, yes. In English. No more Pennsylvania Dutch.” He sat up in his bed and faced his bruder. “I’ve wanted to leave for a long time. And I thought that I would prolong my Rumschpringe as long as possible and then leave once people tried to pressure me to marry. But that’s not my plan anymore.” Castiel waited with bated breath to hear what Gabriel’s new plan was. But he didn’t elaborate. So Castiel piped up.

“What’s your plan now?” 

“I’m leaving when Dean leaves… if he’ll let me come with him.” Gabriel waited, tensed, for Castiel’s reaction. 

Castiel tried his best to mask his thoughts as he left this information process. Finally, he nodded and sighed. “Okay.” 

“Okay?!” Gabriel’s eyebrows shot up.

“Ya. Okay,” Castiel repeated.

“What’s behind that okay?” Gabriel queried. “Is it, ‘Okay, I understand but I’m mad at you for wanting to leave’? Is it, ‘Okay, I’m going to tell Bishop Lapp and Daed tomorrow’? Is it, ‘Okay, I’m leaving with you when you go’? What do you mean by ‘Okay’?”

“I mean, ‘Okay’!” It was Castiel’s turn to rise up in frustration and pace their room. “I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I won’t tell Daed or the Bishop or anyone. And I’m not mad. I understand completely how you feel. 

“But I don’t know yet if I can go with you. I don’t know if I can be okay with who I am. I don’t know if I’m even okay with the idea of God being okay with who I am. On one hand, it sounds blasphemous. On the other, your arguments make sense to me. And I want Him to be okay with me. I want Him to love me. Everything I’ve ever done has been to serve Him.” Gabriel hung his head, in defeat. Castiel walked over to him and lifted his chin so they were looking eye to eye. “Everything I’ve ever done has been to serve Him. That’s how we were raised. That’s what we were taught. Whether our beliefs are the truth or not, whether the Bishop’s teaching are the correct teachings, I don’t know. But I’ve only ever known blind obedience. I don’t know how to live with free will. I don’t know how to make my own decisions. And I don’t know if I ever will. 

“I’m sorry, Gabriel. I know this isn’t what you want to hear.I know you wish I’d-” 

“I only want to hear the truth from you,” Gabriel said, cutting Castiel off. “I don’t want to leave you but…” Gabriel took a deep breath. “...I will understand if you stay here. I will understand if you choose to live a lie. And I will love you always, no matter what.”

Their tight embrace was silent, save for the sounds of tears and sniffles. They held onto each other for a long time, as though letting go meant losing one another. Finally, exhaustion hit after such an emotional night and they released themselves from their embrace. They looked each other in the eye once more before Castiel rose and returned to his bed. 

After they both settled in, Castiel blew out the candle on the bedside table. He waited for a beat before asking quietly, “How did you figure out that I was… that I’m different?” 

Castiel could hear Gabriel turn over in his bed, to face Castiel. There was a sliver of moonlight coming in through the window, so Castiel could see part of Gabriel’s face as he spoke. “I showed you a magazine, many years ago, with shirtless men in it. I was shocked that anyone would allow a half naked photo of themself to be in a magazine for anyone to see. But then I saw the look in your eye and I suspected. Over time, other experiences confirmed it. And I’ve never stopped loving you or loved you any differently because of it. You’re my favorite person in the world, Castiel. And I would do anything to see you happy and free of your guilt.”

“Denki,” Castiel replied. The two men fell silent, exhausted from a hard day of work and emotions. Castiel knew he wouldn’t sleep, too much was on his mind. But he was content to lay there in silence, ruminating on the events of today. Dean had arrived and brought chaos with him. Only time would tell if that chaos was a positive or a negative.


	3. A Bit of Hope

\-- D --

Dean lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to silence his thoughts. Castiel was gay. And attracted to him. That would’ve been wonderful news to Dean in any other circumstances. But Castiel was Amish and seemed to strictly adhere to his religion. Nothing would ever come of their mutual attraction. 

Dean wondered if it was worth spending four months here. On one hand, Dean had already paid in full and he was in dire need of time away from his life. On the other hand, spending four months in the presence of a man he desperately wanted but couldn’t have would be torture. If he were going to stay for the entire four months, he would have to be diligent about avoiding Castiel. 

Dean ruminated on what would’ve happened if he had chosen to vacation in some other secluded part of the country. In a cabin in the woods in Montana? In a chalet in the Smoky Mountains? Heck, even an abandoned shack in the Alaskan wilderness might have been better than here. But part of Dean’s break from his life included a break from technology. He had his cell phone to navigate places and for emergency phone calls. But he and Sam had decided that a total break from his life was the best strategy. No texting, no computers, no contact with people back home. That meant that Amish country was the best option.

Dean sighed heavily and rolled onto his side, facing the window. He couldn’t see the moon but he could see the stars. Dean always felt so small when he looked at the stars. They were bigger and mightier than any human could ever be. He used to love laying on a blanket in the backyard, snuggled up between his parents, looking at the stars. Star gazing always made him feel like his mom was still with him. 

 

\-- C --

Castiel woke up with the first beams of sunlight streaming through his window. He had managed to doze off sometime in the night, which he was thankful for. He still felt sleepy this morning, which was rare. Normally, he was ready to take on his daily workload with excitement. He quietly made his way out of bed and down the hall to the washroom. 

Most Amish families in their community had a water pump outside and carried water inside to their tub. But Daed had asked permission from the Bishop to have indoor plumbing installed after Mamm had died. The thought of bathing all of his children and carrying so much water back and forth was exhausting to Daed. The Bishop had granted his request and, thus, the Yoders were one of the few families around who had indoor plumbing. Castiel was thankful for it, though he shouldn’t be. It was an indulgence. But Castiel put that out of his mind this morning and happily turned on the shower. 

After showering, dressing, and eating a delicious breakfast that Anna had made, Castiel made his way to the barn to begin work early. Anna had noted his even-more-downtrodden-than-usual mood but, to Castiel’s gratitude, hadn’t commented on it. 

 

\-- D --

Dean woke later than usual, having slept soundly. The bed here was so comfortable. Getting a good night’s sleep every night would be extremely beneficial to his mental health. Unlike last night, when Dean had contemplated the downsides of coming here, Dean found himself grateful to be on the Yoder’s farm after all. 

After getting ready for the day, Dean decided that it would be best to leave Castiel alone for the day. Not even allow him to be tempted to talk to Dean again. So, instead of going inside the Yoder’s house for breakfast, Dean headed directly to Baby. He fired up her beautiful engine and headed into the nearest town to do some sightseeing and shopping. 

 

\-- C --

Castiel turned his attention from the supply shed upon hearing the roar of Dean’s car’s engine. Castiel knew that Dean hadn’t been up long. Castiel was painfully aware of everything Dean did, even though he tried his best not to be. Castiel knew that Dean hadn’t eaten breakfast. 

‘He must really be taking Gabriel’s advice to heart,’ Castiel thought. He sighed heavily and turned back to the supply shed, intent on organizing it thoroughly. His bruders always seemed to put things back haphazardly, leaving it impossible to find equipment sometimes. He had two hours before their hired hands showed up and his bruders joined them all to start working. He could get this shed organized in that time. 

 

\-- D --

Berlin was a tiny town but was bustling with touristy places. It seemed an odd fit for Amish country. Dean parked Baby in a lot on Market street and walked a block away to the main drag, where the majority of shops were. There was an interesting-looking joke shop on the other side of the street. Dean made a mental note to go into once he was on that side of the busy street. 

He walked past an assortment of different shops before arriving at a place with a sign declaring it Boyd & Wurthmann’s Restaurant. There was a line of people waiting to get in. Dean thought it was odd that so many people were lined up so early in the morning. 

“Excuse me, sir,” he said to a random man in line. 

“Yes?” 

“What is this place?” Dean inquired.

“Boyd & Wurthmann’s. Home cooked food. Mostly Amish staff. Best restaurant in town!” 

‘Not that hard of a feat. This town is tiny,’ Dean thought. “I’ll have to check it out,” Dean said to the man.

“You should!” The man smiled. “They always have at least 20 different kinds of pie in stock!” 

“Pie?” Now Dean’s interest was truly piqued.

“Yep. They’re all delicious. They get their pies from Der Bake Oven, down the road, if you wanted to buy a whole pie.” 

“I might. But I think I’ll still check out this place for lunch. It sounds delicious.” 

“It’s worth the wait!” The man commented. 

“Thanks!” Dean waved to the man before heading off down the road. He wondered toward Der Bake Oven, hoping to grab some kind of breakfast treat. He didn’t need a full meal, like he would’ve had at the Yoder’s, but he still needed to put something in his stomach.

4 hours later, mostly spent in the joke shop and an antique mall, Dean made his way back to Boyd & Wurthmann’s for some lunch and pie. It was just around 11:00, so not too early for lunch. The line to get in was much shorter this time around. Dean figured people probably had breakfast here before going to work but didn’t stop in on their lunch breaks as often. This meant Dean wouldn’t have to wait too long. 

Eventually, Dean made it to the front of the line and saw a sign saying “Seat Yourself”. Dean ended up seated at a counter, complete with spinny stools. He felt like he was in an old 50’s diner. There was a ton of kitschy decor on the walls, which held Dean’s interest until a waitress came by and took his order. He was tempted to take out his phone for something to do while he waited for his food to arrive, but he knew he shouldn’t. He had decided on a technology-free vacation, to the best of his ability. Instead of playing on his phone, he watched the staff bustling about and looked at the odd objects on the walls. 

As his eyes swept from left to right, he eventually turned his head and noticed a sign on the wall listing all of the pies they had in stock that day. The man from earlier had been correct. There were at least 20 different varieties of pie for sale! Dean knew he had just found his favorite restaurant in the area.

Just then, the waitress sat several plates of food down in front of Dean. He looked down, amazed at how much food had been placed in front of him. He kindly thanked the waitress, who took a moment to refill his drink. Dean turned back to his food and dug in, relishing the delicious flavors. This was easily one of the best meals he’d had in a while. Microwave food and pizza delivery hadn’t done him many favors during his bout of depression. Good, home-cooked, nutritious food was just what he needed to continue on his journey of healing. Between lunch here and his other meals at the Yoder’s, Dean was going to be very spoiled with great food while he was here. 

\-- C --

Pouring himself into working was not helping. His mind still wondered to Dean and leaving his community and whether Gabriel’s opinion on God’s view of sexuality was true or not. Between getting no sleep and pouring himself headlong into hard work, Castiel was exhausted by lunch. 

He barely made it through the meal, choosing to ignore questions about why he looked so fatigued. He ate in silence, almost unable to lift his fork at times. Finally, Gabriel stood up and declared, “That’s it! You are going to bed for the rest of the day and you are going to rest!” He grabbed Castiel under the arms and hoisted him up. 

“I couldn’t agree more,” Daed concurred. 

“Let me go, Gabriel,” Castiel tried to shake his brother off, but it was no use. Gabriel’s grip was firm and Castiel was already on his feet.

“Gabriel, take him to your room. I’ll clean up,” Anna stated firmly.

“I’m fine,” Castiel protested weakly. Still, he went with his brother up to their room. He really did need sleep. 

Once in their room, Gabriel sat Castiel on his bed and began taking off his boots. Castiel nudged Gabriel away. “I can take off my own boots, Gabriel. I’m not that tired.” 

“Really? Because you were basically asleep in your food.” Gabriel backed away nonetheless, leaving Castiel to strip down and tuck himself under the covers. 

“Don’t worry about your work, Michael and I will take care of it. You just get some sleep. You look terrible.” With that, Gabriel closed the door and left Castiel alone. 

Castiel figured there was no way he’d be able to sleep. His worries still weighed on him and his mind wouldn’t stop going through the possibilities. But, after only a few minutes of tossing and turning, Castiel fell asleep heavily.

 

\-- D --

Dean grabbed his bags from the back of Baby and carried them through the field toward his cottage. He had snagged some cool antiques at the antique mall for Sammy, a delicious looking apple pie for himself, some more cassette tapes for Baby (these he left in the car), and some candies for Samandriel and the other younger boys. All in all, Dean had actually enjoyed his day out shopping. 

Gabriel spotted him and came running over to help him carry everything. “Let me take that for you, Dean-ster.” 

“Thanks, Gabe,” Dean replied, handing Gabriel the pie. They walked in relative silence to the cottage. Once Dean got the door open, he set his bags on the small table while Gabriel put the pie in the fridge. 

“Thank you for your help,” Dean smiled at Gabriel. 

“I would stay and chat about your day, but Michael and I are making up for Castiel’s work today.”

“Is he okay?!” Dean asked, alarmed. 

“Yeah. Yeah. He’s fine. We had a little heart to heart last night and he didn’t sleep so well. I’ll tell you all about it later. Tree grove, after dinner?” 

“Sure. Sounds good,” Dean nodded.

“Catch you at dinner, Deanette,” Gabriel exited with a flourish. Dean chuckled to himself. He was glad he had a friend in Gabriel. Gabriel was interesting and charming and downright hilarious. Dean appreciated having him around. 

 

\-- C --

Castiel awoke with a start, surprised that he had even fallen asleep to begin with. Judging by the sun’s position in the sky, it was several hours later. He sat up and looked around, confused for a moment. He heard the sounds of the tractors in the fields. He must’ve been downright comatose if he had slept through that. 

He made his way sleepily downstairs to find Anna and Hannah preparing supper. “Could I help with anything?” he inquired, knowing that no one would let him go back to his duties in the fields. 

“Absolutely!” Anna replied, delightedly. “I need you to make your famous elderberry pie!”

“Why?” Castiel asked. “It isn’t Sunday.” 

“We promised Dean,” Anna retorted.

“We didn’t actually promise him,” Castiel countered but went to the pantry to retrieve the necessary ingredients anyway. 

“True,” Anna called loudly. Castiel winced. He hated when his sister shouted. Amish women were not supposed to shout. “But he seemed so happy when we mentioned it that I thought we would surprise him tonight! Besides, the only reason we have you make pies on Sundays is because you’re too busy any other day. You aren’t busy right now, so you can make one!” 

Castiel didn’t reply, not wanting to shout himself. He might be having a lot of improper thoughts about leaving his community and acting on his desires, but he was still an Amishman for the time being. He would still act accordingly while he was home. 

As he emerged from the pantry with his arms full, he nearly collided with someone. He heard an, “Oomph!” as he knocked whoever it was back several steps. 

“My sincerest apologies!” Castiel said, lowering the stack of ingredients and setting them on the floor. He looked up to see Dean standing before him.

“No problem, man! Your arms were overloaded, you didn’t mean to.” Dean smiled kindly at Castiel. There it was again: that feeling, that intensity, that tingling. Castiel stared into Dean’s eyes, wondering what Dean’s response to Gabriel had been last night. Castiel hadn’t asked last night because he hadn’t wanted to know. But now, standing here staring at Dean, not knowing what this feeling between them meant, Castiel wished that he has asked. “Here,” Dean spoke up, breaking their eye contact. “Let me help you.” He began picking up the jars of elderberries that Castiel had set on the floor, leaving Castiel to pick up the rest of the ingredients. 

Silently, they carried the items the few steps to the kitchen, laying them down on a counter. Castiel nodded his thanks but said no more. He silently turned and began gathering utensils to begin making his pie. Dean stood awkwardly nearby for a moment before ducking is head and exiting like a kicked puppy. 

 

\-- D --

Dinner that night was awkward. Dean was trying his hardest to be his jovial, charming self but it just wasn’t working. He felt disheartened by the rude dismissal Cas had given him in the kitchen earlier. Their only interaction of the day and it ended so coldly. 

Dean mentally kicked himself for pouting. He was supposed to be avoiding Castiel. He had promised Gabriel that he would. But he would’ve offered to help anyone whose arms were full of things to carry. That part hadn’t broken his promise. But his desire to linger and chat with Castiel as he cooked whatever he had cooked was, most definitely, a breaking of his promise. Dean chided himself and vowed that he would be better in the future. He didn’t want to let Gabriel down or bring trouble to Castiel and the family. 

“So, Dean,” Chuck piped up, sensing the awkwardness in the air. “Last night, we interrogated you. Any questions for us?” 

Dean paused for a moment, not sure if it was rude to ask about the beard issue. But, giving in the to uncomfortable feeling of having everyone but Cas staring at him, he finally murmured, “I was wondering… why are you the only one with a beard? Why don’t Castiel or Gabriel have beards?” Dean noticed Castiel’s gaze flit to Dean for a split second when Dean had said his name. Dean kept his eyes focused on Chuck, hoping no one noticed how tense he was tonight.

“Beards are for married men. Since none of my children are married yet, they don’t grow their beards out. But they will someday,” Chuck smiled hopefully. Dean noticed both Gabriel and Castiel tense up. Curious. Dean knew why Castiel was tense. But what was behind Gabriel’s reaction? Perhaps that question would be answered tonight at the tree grove? 

“Dean, tomorrow, when we’re seeding the back field, we won’t be in your way, will we?” Michael asked, breaking the silence. 

“Uh. No. I’m probably going to be out most of the day again. Exploring and seeing the sights.” Castiel’s gaze flitted to him once more. Dean tried not to make eye contact, but he couldn’t help it. Their eyes met briefly before Castiel looked down at his lap, seemingly ashamed that Dean was leaving because of him. Dean wanted desperately to comfort Castiel and tell him it wasn’t his fault. He had intended to explore the area regardless. Though, admittedly, avoiding Castiel did cause Dean to stay out longer than he might otherwise have. 

“You should check out Sugar Creek!” Balthazar chimed in. The 14 yr old seemed eager, as though he was living vicariously through Dean’s future explorations. “We went there on a class trip last year. They have the world’s largest cuckoo clock!” 

Dean grinned, amused that Balthazar would think that this was an attraction for Dean. “I’ll be sure to check it out,” he said kindly to the boy. 

“There’s also Dover, which is past Sugar Creek. It’s a long drive for us, but I imagine it wouldn’t take so long in your car,” Hannah chimed in. “There are a lot of things to do in Dover.” 

“Thank you,” Dean replied. I’ll look into that as well.” 

“You should go to the coffee shop downtown. They have internet. I’m told a lot of the English visitors to the area go there to plan their sightseeing,” Chuck added helpfully.

“Thank you,” Dean said earnestly. “I think I might do that.” 

The rest of dinner passed less awkwardly than it had previously. Dean still noticed tension from Castiel and Gabriel, but the rest of the family seemed oblivious. 

\-- C --

Dean was mesmerizing. Castiel wanted so desperately to be able to ignore the man, but he simply couldn’t. Beyond being charming and handsome, there was something else to Dean that drew Castiel in. Call it fate or soulmates or something else, but Castiel was acutely aware of the man at all times. And he hated himself for it. 

\-- D --

As the others continued offering Dean suggestions of places to visit in the area, Anna went to into the kitchen and came back with a homemade pie. Dean had smelled it but hadn’t thought much of it. Now he realized that this was what Castiel had been preparing earlier. 

Dean looked up and smiled at Castiel warmly. “Thanks, Cas. For the pie. I really appreciate it.” He looked down and hid his face before he could see Castiel’s reaction. 

“You’re welcome, Dean,” Castiel replied. The genuine warmth in his voice made Dean’s heart soar. Maybe Castiel wasn’t as cold and distant as he had seemed earlier. Maybe Dean could win his trust and become his friend.

Once Anna had served everyone a slice of pie, Dean took a large forkful. As soon as the pie touched his tongue, he had to hold back a moan. This was, without a doubt, the best pie he had ever tasted. Castiel had just ruined pie for him forever.

“Holy cow!” Dean exclaimed. “This pie is amazing!” 

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said, smiling at the man currently scarfing his pie like it would be snatched away in one minute. 

“Mmmm, man, Cas,” Dean mumbled around a full mouth of pie, “this really is the best pie I’ve ever had.” He swallowed to clear his mouth. “And I’ve had a lot of pie!” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Castiel beamed with pride. “Perhaps I’ll make some more pies for you while you’re here.” 

“I’ll hold you to it,” Dean said as he finished the last of his pie. He looked down at this empty plate forlornly. That pie had been too delicious to be gone that quickly. He realized that his face was sporting a pout only when Anna served him another slice, laughing at how his face lit up. 

“I think it’s safe to say that Castiel is Dean’s favorite tonight!” She joked as Dean took another forkful. Dean had the decency to blush with chagrin, but still nodded his assent. 

\-- C --

Castiel’s heart leapt. He knew it shouldn’t please him that Dean said Castiel was his favorite. But he couldn’t help it. Castiel wanted to be Dean’s favorite. But then the remorse came slamming into him full force. He shouldn’t want that. He shouldn’t need Dean’s approval.

The back and forth of his emotions was exhausting. Castiel had slept today, but he felt exhausted still. He quietly excused himself and took his plates to the sink to be cleaned. As he was setting his plate down, he was startled by a whisper behind him.

“Just leave your plate, I’ll take care of it.” Castiel turned to see Hannah, who winked at him conspiratorially. Castiel’s eyes went wide with panic. Did Hannah know, too? Hannah chuckled, confusing Castiel. “There’s no shame in being ill, bruder. Go to bed and rest. And don’t worry about your chores tomorrow. I’ll make sure one of the men takes of them. You stay in bed and get some sleep .You look terrible, my bruder.” 

Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. Hannah just thought that Castiel was ill. Perhaps he was? He definitely felt off-kilter even since his first conversation with Dean. Castiel nodded a thanks to his younger shwester and headed up to his room.

\-- D --

“I told him. Last night.” Gabriel’s tone was suddenly serious as they approached the grove of trees, just the two of them. “I told him I knew he was gay and that I knew he was attracted to you. I told him that I had told you to avoid him and to respect him avoiding you.”

“That’s good,” Dean commented. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I really think it is.” Gabriel laid back and smiled to himself. Dean joined Gabriel on the ground, looking up at the trees surrounding them. “He needed to know. That I knew and that I was okay with it and that it never changed how I felt about him.”

“Did you tell him… how I feel?” Dean felt like a middle school kid, asking that question. But he needed to know.

“Not yet. He wants to know, I can tell he does. But he didn’t ask. It’s not my place to tell him, really.” 

“I don’t mind if you do,” Dean stated.

“Noted,” Gabriel replied simply.

The two men laid back on the hard ground and stared up at the late-evening sky. It wasn’t quite dark enough to see all of the stars, though it was close. Dean imagined lying here someday, cuddling with Castiel. Or somewhere similar. They probably couldn’t lay in this actual spot, they might be seen. But it was a nice fantasy, even if it could never become reality.

Next to him, Gabriel sighed heavily and turned to face Dean. He propped himself up on one elbow.

“What’s wrong, Gabe?” Dean inquired.

“I feel like I can trust you.” 

“You can,” Dean assured him. 

“You can’t tell anyone.” Gabriel held out his pinky. 

“A pinky promise? Seriously?” Dean asked, joining their pinkies and shaking them.

“I learned it from a kid who stayed here last summer. She made everyone pinky promise about everything, it seemed.” Gabriel laughed. “But, seriously,” he added, sombering, “you can’t say a word.”

“I promise. I won’t.” Dean made sure to look Gabriel directly in the eye, so Gabriel knew how sincere his promise was.

“I don’t plan to join the church again. When my rumschpringe is over, I don’t want to marry an Amish woman and settle down. I want to be free of our life and able to explore the world.”

“So why don’t you do that now?” Dean asked, genuinely not understanding why Gabriel seemed so conflicted right now. 

“It means being shunned. I will never be allowed to see my family again after I leave.” 

“WHAT?!” Dean sat up straight. He had no idea that Amish kids were essentially forced to choose the Amish lifestyle. How could they not see their families again? How would they live in the world without a support network? Dean might only have a few people that he considered family, but he relied on them for so much. He could never live without seeing them again. 

“Yep,” Gabriel popped the ‘p’ on the end of the word. “Like I said last night, we don’t really have a choice.”

“I thought shunning just meant you were banned from church.” Dean said, horrified.

“We believe that church is everywhere, all around us. Church is in our homes, in our hearts, in our families. Shunning is banishment from the church. So shunning means you can’t sit at the same table as your family for a meal. You can’t be spoken to or speak to any of your family or anyone in the community. In some cases, it even means that you have to leave your home and the community and go somewhere else forever, never to return. Not even for a visit.

“Amish who choose not to join the church after Rumschpringe are shunned. They can’t ever come back and see their families. I won’t get to watch Sammy grow up. I won’t get to see Anna have babies. I won’t get to watch Daed grow old. I won’t be allowed at his funeral. 

“I will never know what happens to my dear bruder Castiel. Whether he pretends to be straight, marries, and is miserable. Or whether he stays true to himself and leaves. Unless we leave at the same time, it’s highly unlikely we’ll find each other again. It’s not like I can leave a forwarding address when I leave here. They’ll have no idea where I am once I’m gone.” Dean saw out of the corner of his eye that Gabriel was crying. Dean wanted to comfort him, but he wasn’t sure if Gabriel wanted to be comforted. 

“You seem to have thought this through,” Dean commented.

“I have. A lot.” 

“And you’re sure you want to leave?” Dean pressed.

“Absolutely. I can’t stay here. There’s so much you don’t know about our way of life and our community. I just can’t live this way forever. Even if I’ll burn in Hell for it,” Gabriel added forlornly. 

“So what keeps you here now? Why stay at all, if you know you’re going to leave?”

Gabriel chuckled humorlessly. “I want as much time as I can have with my family. If I’ll never see them again, I want to maximize the time I have with them now. And I plan to convince Castiel to come with me.” Dean sat up a little straighter at this. “I don’t know if he will,” Gabriel added quickly, noticing the change in Dean. “Please don’t get your hopes up for him. Maybe he will? But it’s more likely that he won’t. We briefly discussed it last night and he was adamant that he would stay.” 

“I’m sorry,” Dean replied meekly. “I didn’t mean to look so hopeful. I know your brother is off limits. But… I just can’t help but feel this connection with him. I felt it again today. I’m trying to avoid him, but I just feel so connected to him. I can’t explain it. I’m sorry.”

“You needn’t apologize, Dean. It’s not your fault. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up, only to have them dashed. I know we don’t know each other well yet, but I can already tell that you’ll be a great friend to me.”

“I think it’s safe to say that we know each other fairly well already! I don’t think strangers go confessing their deepest secrets to one another in the dark.” Dean put a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. “You can trust me. And I know I can trust you. I think that makes us friends, Gabriel.” 

“Thank you, friend,” Gabriel replied sincerely. He shifted around and wrapped Dean in an embrace. “Who knows, maybe I’ll leave when you do and we can head out together?” 

“I’m not opposed to that. I guess we’ll see what happens when the time comes.” They released their embrace and scooted back to lean against the wide tree trunk behind them. 

Something had shifted. Dean didn’t know what. But he felt like his life had just been set on a completely new path. 

They remained there for around an hour, chatting off and on, but enjoying stretches of silence together, too. Dean knew, for sure, that coming here had been the right decision for him. 

 

\-- C --

Gabriel returned late again that night. Castiel was waiting up for him. He wanted to ask, he had to know. Although, Castiel was fairly certain that he knew the answer already. 

As Gabriel got ready for bed, Castiel chewed at his lips and drummed his fingers on the nightstand next to him. He bounced his leg up and down, impatient.

“Oh, just ask whatever it is that you want to ask!” Gabriel huffed, pulling a nightshirt over his head.

Castiel chuckled. “Sorry. I know I must be annoying right now.” 

“It’s fine.” 

“I just....” Castiel looked up at his bruder. “What did Dean say? When you told him?”

“He said that he’s not opposed to me coming with him when he leaves,” Gabriel replied, toying with Castiel. 

“You know what I’m asking!” Castiel said, annoyed.

“Then ask it,” Gabriel retorted. 

“What was Dean’s response last night when you told him that I was… homosexual? Was he repulsed?”

Gabriel came over and knelt next to Castiel, their faces close. “He was not repulsed.” 

“Was he…” Castiel dared to hope, “...happy?”

“Castiel, you need to talk to Dean yourself. This isn’t my conversation to have. Though he did give me permission to tell you.” 

“Gabriel, please,” Castiel implored. “If I’m going to spend another moment with him here on our property, I need to know where things stand. I’ll go crazy wondering. I just… I need to know. I need to know if he feels the same way. If he dates more than just women. If this feeling between us is attraction or something innocuous.”

Gabriel sighed and took his brother’s hand. “He doesn’t just date women. He dates men, too. And he is attracted to you.” Castiel’s heart soared for a moment. His hopefulness must have shown in his eyes because Gabriel quickly added, “But he doesn’t want to cause trouble. He’s not here to rip our world and our family apart. I don’t know exactly the depth of his feelings. You guys did just meet yesterday, after all. But I think you should talk to him.” 

Castiel began to protest but Gabriel shushed him. “I’m not saying that you need to talk tonight. Or even tomorrow. But, eventually. You have four months, after all.” Castiel nodded. Gabriel released Castiel’s hand and returned to his own bed. “Let us sleep now. I’ll need plenty of rest for my work tomorrow and you need to actually sleep tonight. Everyone thinks you’ve fallen ill. You actually might if you don’t sleep.” 

With that, the room fell silent. Castiel didn’t sleep, obviously. He had too much to think about. 

He spent the most time ruminating on, ‘Who would I be if I didn’t live here?’ The thought had occurred to him before. When he realized he was attracted to men and that he would never be allowed to marry a man and be happy. He’d pondered leaving but never seriously. It had been a fleeting thought, a dream. 

But now, knowing Gabriel was leaving soon, Castiel thoroughly considered the idea of leaving with him. He didn’t know who he would be or if he would be able to cope with the differences between Amish society and English society. But… what if he did go? What could his life be like? 

 

\-- D --

Dean couldn’t sleep. His mind was too busy thinking of everything that had happened today. The goodness of pies and the realization that Gabriel would be leaving with him, possibly living with him until he got acclimated to the English world.

But, mostly, Dean thought about shunning. How Gabriel would never be allowed to come back to this place once he left. How Castiel would have to make the same choice one day. How they would never see their family again. Dean couldn’t imagine never seeing his brother again. Like Castiel, he had raised his younger sibling. Unlike Castiel, Dean only had one sibling to lose. Castiel had seven. Well, six because Gabriel would be getting out soon. Either way, Dean surmised, Castiel would be losing at least one sibling. What a sad reality for him. How would he cope without Gabriel as his confidant?

Maybe, if Castiel left after Gabriel, they would find a way to reunite? Dean hoped that they would. He didn’t want either of them to be alone in a scary world that they knew so little of. Of course, if Castiel never left, Gabriel would be alone in that world. Sure, he would have Dean and would probably make other friends. But it wouldn’t be the same as having your family with you. Dean hoped that Castiel did come. Not just for his own selfish reasons, but for Gabriel’s sake.


	4. Things Are Changing

\-- C --

The dim light of dawn finally shown outside the window. Although he was exhausted, Castiel was relieved. Yes, he needed sleep. But sleep wouldn’t come because his mind would not stop spinning. At least now he could focus on his work, rather than his worries. 

He silently crept out of bed and dressed for the day. Once dressed, and with a fresh application of deodorant, he grabbed his hat and quietly made his way downstairs. He grabbed a pen and paper and left a note for Anna. ‘Working in the barn, please fetch me when breakfast is ready so that I can eat. Love, Castiel’. He left the note where his oldest sister would see it and set out for the largest of their barns. 

The farm had three barns: a larger one for housing the animals and two smaller ones for housing feed, tack, equipment, and other supplies. There was also a sizeable chicken coop and a storage shed for supplies to help upkeep the rental cottages that their guests stayed in. Castiel genuinely enjoyed living and working on a farm, mostly because it kept him occupied and left little time for errant thoughts. 

He entered the barn and was surprised to find that he wasn’t alone. There was Dean, petting Castiel’s favorite horse, Angel. Castiel partially hid himself so that he could watch Dean for a moment. In the dim light of the early morning hours, Dean was even more beautiful. He was so gentle with the horse, so tender. Castiel’s heart ached at the sight. 

Stepping out, he walked slowly over toward Dean. It wasn’t until he was about ten feet away that Dean noticed him. 

“Oh, hello,” Dean said awkwardly, pulling his hand away from Angel and rubbing the back of his neck. He blushed and looked down, as though caught in some act of rule breaking. 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel replied, stepping closer. “I see that you’ve taken a liking to Angel.” Castiel gestured to the horse, who was nudging Dean’s arm with her snout. “And I see that Angel’s taken a liking to you.”

“Angel?” Dean asked with a hint of humor in his voice.

Castiel chuckled. It was a ridiculous name for a horse. “Hannah named her. She was 7 and thought it was a perfect name. I advocated for Spirit. Angel is very spirited, after all,” Castiel added, walking up to Angel and petting her neck.

A silence fell between them for a few moments, as Castiel continued to pet his beloved horse. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean spoke up. “I should go.”

“Why?” Castiel asked, already knowing the answer.

“I shouldn’t be talking to you when we’re alone,” Dean supplied.

“Because of what Gabriel told you?” Castiel tilted his head in question. Dean nodded. “He told me that he instructed you to avoid me and let me have my space. My bruder and I tell each other everything. Mostly. We have very few secrets between us,” Castiel explained, still petting Angel lovingly.

“I see.” Dean nodded. There was a long pause and then Dean spoke up again. “Is what Gabriel told me true?” 

“Yes. It’s true.” Castiel stopped petting Angel and turned to face Dean. He wanted to get this out in the open, without using Angel or anything else as a distraction. 

“All of it?” Dean still wasn’t looking up. He kept his eyes firmly focused on the ground. Castiel supposed that made it easier for both of them. 

“Yes,” Castiel replied. “Gabriel told me what you spoke about. It’s all true. Including my attraction to you.” Dean looked up then, eyes wide.

“So why are you standing here, talking to me? I thought you were going to avoid me.”

“I was. I still might from time to time. But I am, for the first time in my life, pondering life outside of this community.” Castiel stopped talking upon hearing Dean’s sharp intake of breath. “It came as a shock to me, too,” he chuckled. “But Gabriel told me that he was leaving. And I’ve been contemplating things all night.”

“I didn’t sleep either,” Dean commented. 

“I imagine so.” Castiel quickly added, “I apologize. I know it’s not my fault. Not either of our faults. But, even still, I’m sorry that I’m the cause of any distress or inconvenience in your life.”

“Likewise,” Dean replied.

“I should get back to my work. I have much to do today,” Castiel said, eyes locked with Dean’s. 

“Yeah,” Dean replied, neither of them looking away. 

Several minutes passed with the two men staring into one another’s eyes. Finally, a loud whinny from Angel broke the spell between them. Dean looked down, blushing again. 

“Now I know how I must’ve looked at dinner the other night,” Castiel laughed. Dean glanced up and smiled, but said nothing in return. “I’ll see you later, Dean.” 

“Yeah. See ya, Cas.” With that, Dean turned and walked quickly out of the barn. Castiel watched him leave, wondering if Dean was worth giving up everything for. 

“Only time will tell,” Castiel said to Angel, who nudged his arm in response. Castiel got to work quickly after that, pouring his energy into anything besides thinking. 

 

\-- D --

Dean hurried back to his cottage and collapsed onto the bed. It was too much to bear: knowing that Castiel was considering leaving. He had been hopeful last night when Gabriel had mentioned Castiel leaving. But he had also believed Gabriel that Castiel probably would never leave. And now he not only knew that Castiel was considering it, but they’d had a genuinely flirtatious moment between them. And he still had months left to be here. Dean didn’t know if his heart could stand it. 

He rolled over and faced the ceiling, wishing that he could skip all of this inner turmoil and fast forward to a time when things were settled, one way or the other. He imagined himself and Castiel laying in bed together, cuddling, peppering kisses over one another’s skin. He imagined the way Castiel’s body would feel pressed up against his. He imagined running his hands over that gorgeous body, so strong from years of manual labor. 

He stopped there, unwilling to let his mind wander any further. Castiel was off limits… for now, at least. Maybe if he came with Gabriel and Dean at the end of the summer, Dean would allow himself to fantasize about the man. But, for now, Dean was determined to be just a good guest to the family. And that meant not sexualizing their oldest brother. 

He sighed and rolled over, head buried in his pillow. He needed to leave again. Sure, Castiel had been willing to chat with him in the barn. But he couldn’t allow that to become the norm. He needed the distraction of sight-seeing. He pushed himself up from the bed and grabbed his keys. Maybe he’d check out the world’s largest cuckoo clock after all? 

\-- C --

Despite having little sleep the night before, Castiel felt lighter today, more energized. Two nights of poor sleep should have made him utterly exhausted. But it seemed his decision to consider leaving had lifted a huge weight off of his shoulders. Knowing Gabriel would be going with him made it a lot easier to consider leaving. 

Castiel worked fervently all day. His mind often wondered to thoughts of Dean, but he kept himself busy with work. It didn’t go unnoticed by Gabriel, who several time quirked an eyebrow at him. Each time, Castiel shook him off and continued working. He’d explain to Gabriel tonight that he felt lighter and that was source of energy behind his work today. 

But, as the day wore on, Castiel realized the truth: he felt lighter because he had let Dean in. He had opened up to the man and wasn’t on guard with him. And it was freeing. Dean was like a tonic for his soul that Castiel never knew he needed. As the day wore on, Castiel felt himself feeling happier than he ever had. And the more time passed that day, the more Castiel knew what Fate had in store for him: he would open to Dean, he would leave with his brother at the end of the summer, and he would let himself be his true self, for once in his life. The realization of this truth made Castiel so light and airy that he felt as though he had wings and could fly. 

\-- D --

Another day of touristy activities and, yes, a visit to the world’s largest cuckoo clock, and Dean was feeling utterly miserable. He had never intended to come here and disrupt their lives like this. His arrival had changed a lot of things, it seemed. Instead of waiting years and only leaving when he was shunned, Gabriel was now leaving in a few months. Castiel was admitting his sexuality. Gabriel was admitting that he had known his brother was gay for a long time. And Castiel was, for the first time, considering leaving, too. That revelation in the barn this morning had shocked Dean. 

But, the more time wore on that day, the more guilty Dean felt about it. He didn’t want to the be the cause of Chuck losing two of his children. Of the other kids losing their older brothers. Of Cas and Gabe never seeing their families again. He felt like the lowest scum on earth. 

He grabbed some food to-go from a place in Sugar Creek and headed back to the Yoder’s very late in the evening, intentionally missing dinner. He snuck back to his cottage without being noticed and ate his food alone, wallowing in self-loathing. 

\-- C --

The family waited for Dean to come to dinner, but he never did. Castiel had been so hopeful, looking forward to seeing the handsome man at dinnertime. But Anna had confirmed it: Dean was still gone for the day; his car wasn’t parked outside. The family waited fifteen minutes, but eventually ate without him. 

The atmosphere was subdued, quiet without their new friend here. Everyone seemed disappointed that Dean hadn’t come home in time for supper. Chuck tried his best to liven up the conversation. But only Raphael and Balthazar seemed to be their normal selves. Everyone else ate in near silence. 

Near the end of their meal, everyone sat up straighter as they heard the rumble of Dean’s car’s engine coming up the driveway. All eyes looked toward their father, wondering how to handle this. Gabriel stood up, his look questioning. Daed nodded his assent and Gabriel went to speak with their guest about proper etiquette. 

As his younger brother disappeared out of the side door, Castiel felt his heart fall. Was Dean avoiding him so thoroughly that he would go so far as to be rude, just to not have to spend time with Castiel? Castiel felt responsible for the sour mood permeating the dinner table tonight. As he helped his sisters clear the table, Castiel’s limbs were as heavy as lead. 

\-- D --

A knock on the cottage door startled Dean mid-bite. He ignored it. He sat his sandwich down and waited for whoever it was to go away. Another knock.

“Dean! I know you’re in there,” Gabriel called through the door. “Please, just let me in.” 

Dean sighed and walked the short distance to the door. He unlocked it and opened it a crack before sitting back down and going about finishing his dinner. 

“I’m sorry I missed dinner, Gabriel. I should’ve let someone know. It was rude of me. There, are we finished now? Because I just want to be left alone to wallow in self-pity.” 

“Nope. We’re not done. Not in the least.” Gabriel sat down opposite Dean and reached a hand across the small table, placing it on Dean’s arms gently. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Dean put down his sandwich and laid his head down on the table. “I feel like I’ve come here and destroyed your lives completely.”

“How so?” Gabriel inquired.

“You’re leaving soon, rather than years in the future. Castiel admitted he’s gay. You told him you knew. He’s contemplating coming with us now.”

“Hmm,” Gabriel hummed approvingly at this newest bit of information. Dean groaned with chagrin. “Well, to address each of these points: I was always going to leave, Castiel’s always been gay, I’ve known for a long time, and he probably has wanted to leave for a long time if he’s coming to terms with it this quickly. I’d say you haven’t changed a single thing.” 

“You had years, Gabe!” Dean practically yelled as he sat up straight and looked Gabriel directly in the eyes. “You had time to watch Sammy grow up and possibly see Anna get married. And, now, it’s down to mere months.”

“That’s my choice!” Gabriel shouted back, silencing Dean. “I’m choosing when to go. It was always my choice. And I know the consequences of this decision. I know what I’m leaving behind forever. The fact that I want to go with you at the end of the summer shows how good you are. The fact that Castiel is considering leaving with us shows how good you are. The fact that we trust an Englishman so thoroughly proves how good you are! Dean, you’re a righteous man. We wouldn’t leave with someone who wasn’t pure of intentions. Who didn’t have a good heart. Who wasn’t safe to be around. We’re open to leaving with you because we trust you and because you’re a good person who wants good things for us.

“I know you feel guilty right now because you set things in motion. But they were already in motion. You just helped it along a little. And I’m not upset about that at all.”

“Thanks, Gabe,” Dean replied, placing a hand on top of the one Gabriel had on his forearm. “You’re a good friend.” 

“As are you, Dean-bean. I wouldn’t consider escaping this life with anyone less worthy.” The two friends smiled at each other for a long moment. Finally, Gabriel spoke up, “Now, I think an apology is in order to the family. They were all quite bummed that they didn’t get to see you today.”

“Really?” Dean inquired.

“Well, Raph and Balthy, not so much. But they’re a little too selfish to care about others anyway. But the rest of us missed you.” 

“Thanks, Gabe.” Dean rose from his chair, breaking their touch. The two men headed back toward the main house together in silence. Dean still didn’t feel his usual self. But he felt better. He wasn’t the cause of everything happening. But he was the catalyst. 

\-- C --

Just as the last dishes were being cleared from the table, the side door opened. Everyone paused and looked over. Gabriel entered the house, followed by an abashed-looking Dean. 

“I’m sorry, everyone,” Dean said softly. “I should’ve told you I wouldn't be at supper tonight. My apologies for leaving you waiting.” He was looking at the ground and blushing. Even if his words hadn’t sounded so sincere, it was easy to see that Dean truly felt bad for not being at dinner. 

“All is forgiven, my son,” Chuck countered, going over to Dean and embracing him. Dean stood stiff in Daed’s arms for a moment before returning the hug. One by one, each member of the family came over to embrace Dean in a group hug. Anna and Hannah made sure not to touch their bodies to Dean’s, which would be considered untoward. Castiel did the same, for the exact same reason. 

As he pulled back, he made eye contact with Dean. He winked and smiled at the Englishman, letting him know he was forgiven. Dean’s returning smile was radiant. Castiel bit his lip and looked down, unable to hide blushing at the beauty of such a smile. 

As the family stood around their guest, chatting with him kindly, Castiel’s heart was lighter than air. He didn’t need his family to approve of Dean, since he would shortly be living without them anyway. But it made his soul happy to know that his family genuinely liked Dean. If Dean had been an Amish woman, they would enjoy many happy years of married life, loved deeply by this family. As it stood, Castiel was still happy to know that they approved of the person who might one day be his spouse, even if they might never come to the wedding. 

\-- D --

As per usual, Dean and Gabriel headed to the tree grove after dinner. Although, it was decidedly later than normal. As they sat down on the hard ground and Gabriel began asking questions about what Dean’s world was like, they heard someone clear their throat. Both men quickly turned to see Castiel standing just outside the grove, his expression silently asking for permission to intrude on their nightly ritual.

Dean looked at Gabriel with his eyebrows raised. Gabe just smiled, nodded, and patted the ground next to him. Castiel tentatively came over and sat down next to his brother. Dean was glad that Gabriel was between them. He wasn’t sure he could handle being right next to Cas. 

“Please,” Castiel gestured at Gabriel, “do continue your discussion.” 

\-- C --

As the two men chatted about Dean’s life and what things would be like for Gabriel once he left, Castiel listened with rapt attention. After all, it may very well be his life soon, too. 

He watched with fascination as Dean’s entire being lit up when he spoke of his brother. Dean definitely took pride in Sam, that much was obvious. Castiel fantasized about a time when Dean would light up speaking about him as well. That was all dependent upon Castiel leaving his family and his life behind. But it would be worth it to see this exuberance and passion in Dean everyday. 

So, Cas,” Castiel was startled from his thoughts by Gabriel’s voice. “Do you have any questions about what life will be like with Dean?” 

“Um… what?” 

“Dean told me that you said you’re considering coming with us. You should have all of the information before you make that decision. So… what do you want to know?” 

“Um… I guess, maybe, about how we’ll earn a living? I don’t want us to be burdens on you, Dean.” Castiel stared at the ground as he said it. Even though his brother was between them, asking this in the darkness of the tree grove felt too intimate.

“My uncle Bobby owns a scrap yard. They always need people to lift things and move them. You two, being so strong from farm work, would be perfect for it.” 

“Would he hire us?” Gabriel queried.

“Oh, absolutely! He always needs good workers. And he’ll hire you with my recommendation, for sure!” Dean’s youthful vigor was entrancing. Castiel caught himself staring and smiling. Dean’s eyes met his and, for a moment, nothing else existed in the world except for the two of them. 

“Well, as lovely as this little flirtation between the two of you is, we should probably switch topics before you two start kissing or puking rainbows or whatever.” Castiel blushed and looked down, but Dean burst out laughing. 

“Oh, Gabe! No need to be jealous just because you’re the third wheel tonight!” Dean chuckled, clapping Gabriel on the back. 

“Third wheel?” Castiel asked.

“The awkward one out. A cart functions well with two wheels. But a third wheel gets in the way and makes it awkward.” Dean winked at Gabriel, who laughed and punched his shoulder in a friendly manner. “Gabe here is just jealous that he doesn’t have a hot, sexy man to oggle in the dark.” Dean and Gabriel’s laughter increased when Castiel literally hid his face in his hands at that. 

“Aww, widdle Castiel is embawwassed because Dean called him sexy!” Gabriel doubled over in laughter. Castiel, his face still buried in his hands, just shook his head and then turned away. 

Gabriel’s laughter continued, but Dean’s immediately ceased. Castiel felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Cas,” Cas peeked over his shoulder to see that Dean had scooted over, effectively boxing Gabriel out of their conversation. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” 

Castiel dropped his hands and turned to face Dean. “No. It’s all right, Dean. I just… I’m not used to flirtations. No one’s ever called me sexy before.” 

“I don’t know how,” Dean said quietly, seriously. “You’re one of the most attractive humans I’ve ever laid eyes on.” Castiel bit his lip and looked down, unsure how to respond to that. Suddenly, Dean’s fingers were under his chin, tilting it back up to look at Dean. “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Cas.” Dean whispered.

“You don’t,” Castiel replied. “I like the things you say. I shouldn’t. But I do. I like you very much, Dean,” Castiel admitted. 

Dean smiled sweetly and pulled Castiel’s face toward his. Castiel gasped, shocked that Dean might kiss him. Castiel had never kissed anyone before. He didn’t even know if he wanted to now. But Dean didn’t kiss him. Dean simply placed Castiel’s head on his shoulder and hugged him tightly, adoringly. Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. While he badly wanted to kiss Dean, he knew it was too risky. 

Castiel returned the embrace, content to have Dean in his arms. It felt so right. So perfect. Castiel didn’t care, in this moment, that it was against the Ordnung or that he would be shunned for it. All Castiel cared about in that moment was how perfect Dean felt in his arms. 

“You two make me sick!” Gabriel jokingly said after a few minutes. Dean removed one arm from around Castiel to swat behind him at Gabriel. Gabriel scooted back out of Dean’s reach and made gagging noises, further taunting them. 

Castiel pulled back slowly, not wanting to upset Dean. He stared into Dean’s eyes for a moment and smiled. “That was nice. I very much enjoyed being in your arms.” The look on Dean’s face was one of pure ecstasy. Tears formed in his eyes as a bright smile lit up his face. Castiel, too, smiled before leaning back against a tree behind him. Dean scooted back to an adjacent tree and rested against it. 

\-- D --

Something profound had changed that night. It was only Dean’s third night there and he already felt like he’d found everything he had ever wanted. Waiting out the remaining months here, without truly getting to be with Castiel, would be torture. Would they have to sneak around and steal moments alone? Or would they have to ignore one another just to avoid temptation? Dean didn’t know if he was strong enough to bear it. 

\-- C --

After an hour of sitting in the tree grove, talking and laughing together, the three men headed inside to bed. No more intimate moments happened between them, but Castiel knew something had shifted tonight. There was no denying it, he was leaving when Dean left and he would try to make a life with Dean, if Dean would allow him to. 

As soon as their bedroom door was closed, Gabriel practically pounced on Castiel. “So… you two were awfully cuddly there for a minute.” 

“Gabriel, it was nothing.” Castiel tried to downplay it.

“Nothing? You looked at him like God made him just for you.” Castiel blushed and turned away. “Perhaps he did. Perhaps Dean is your reward for always being such a good person.” Castiel’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “Oh come on, Castiel! You kept this family together single-handedly after Mamm died. You always do anything that is asked of you. You have always been a good man and followed the rules so diligently. Perhaps Dean is the blessing God is bestowing upon you for your sacrifices.”

“Gabriel… I…” Castiel didn’t know how to respond. He had just today accepted that he would be leaving this life. He had been ready to put God behind him completely and live a heathen’s life. And here his brother was, telling him that God was proud of him and was gifting him someone to love as a reward for being a good person. Castiel couldn’t stomach the enormity of that idea. 

“Good night, my brother,” Gabriel said, laying down in his bed, effectively ending the conversation. Castiel was glad for it. He didn’t know what else to say. 

Castiel tucked himself into his comfortable bed and fell asleep with a smile on his face. It had been a very long time since he had felt this light and this loved.


	5. Another Step Closer

\-- D --

Dean awoke the next morning with a problem. Sure, he woke up many mornings with a hard on. But never had it been because of erotic dreams about an Amishman. Dean had a conundrum. It would be wrong of him to take care of it while thinking about Castiel. But it didn’t seem to be flagging, no matter how many times he thought of Bobby and Ellen making out. 

Finally, frustrated at his predicament, he headed to cottage’s bathroom to take a cold shower. Maybe that would help alleviate the situation. 

It didn’t. As Dean toweled off after the most frigid shower of lifetime, his erection was getting downright painful. Finally, he gave into the temptation and laid down on the bed. But no matter how much he tried to focus on issues of Busty Asian Beauties he’d seen in the past or imagine a particularly hot model, his mind traitorously flitted back to Castiel. He came with a moan, picturing the dark-haired man naked beside him. 

\-- C --

Castiel practically floated downstairs to breakfast in the morning. He has slept soundly, dreaming all night of life with Dean. Of holding each other in their arms, of kisses exchanged between them, of coming home from work and making meals together. Castiel’s dream had been nothing but romantic bliss all night. 

Dean didn’t keep them waiting for their meal this morning, but he seemed subdued and withdrawn. Was he regretting their intimate moment last night? Nothing had really happened. Yet it felt as though everything had happened. 

Castiel couldn’t ask while his whole family was around, but he would talk to Dean the first opportunity he got. 

\-- D --

Dean ate his breakfast hurriedly, barely able to make eye contact with anyone. The fantasy of him and Castiel together seemed so wrong now that he was sitting among Castiel’s entire family. Entire Amish family, at that. Dean was so chagrined that he barely spoke to anyone, only answering their questions politely but offering no further engagement. 

Thankfully, the family chalked it up to Dean being embarrassed about missing dinner last night. They told him repeatedly that they all forgave him, but Dean just nodded and mumbled a thanks. He would have to get over this discomfort soon. He didn’t want to be a rude guest. 

After finishing his meal quickly, Dean excused himself and headed back toward his cottage. He planned to spend the day in town, away from the temptation of Castiel and his own dirty thoughts about the man. 

But, before he could even reach the first field, he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Dean, are you all right?” It was Cas. Of course it was Cas. Just as Dean was acutely aware of everything Cas did, Cas was acutely aware of everything concerning Dean. 

“I’m fine, Cas. Just tired.” 

\-- C --

“Oh. Okay. If you say so,” Castiel removed his hand from Dean’s shoulder, willing to let the issue go despite knowing that Dean was lying to him. He figured if Dean wanted to tell him, he would. He didn’t want to push the issue and drive Dean away. 

“I know that you know I’m lying,” Dean admitted. “But I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet. I hope that’s okay.” 

“Of course it is, Dean!” Castiel said kindly, lifting Dean’s chin to force eye contact. “That’s all you had to say. You don’t need to lie to me, Dean. I’ll accept that you’re not willing to talk about it yet.” 

“Thank you,” Dean replied grateful, looking around to make sure they were alone before pulling Castiel into an embrace again. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean and squeezed, pulling the man into him. Dean pulled back quickly, which Castiel allowed. At Castiel’s inquisitive expression, Dean supplied, “That’s not a great idea. I… uh… my body has some inappropriate reactions when I think about touching you.” Dean admitted quietly. 

“Oh. I see,” Castiel whispered, holding back a grin. “I won’t deny that I have the same problem.” Castiel revealed in return. Dean’s expression was full of shock as he looked up at Castiel. “I’m only human, Dean,” he explained. He glanced around to make sure that they were still alone before leaning in and whispering in Dean’s ear, “And you’re a very attractive man. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t like the thought of you getting excited about our bodies touching.” 

\-- D --

Castiel’s warmth breath against his ear was not helping the situation. Dean pulled back, forcibly separating himself from Castiel. His face was aflame and he knew Castiel could sense his simultaneous arousal and discomfort. 

Castiel stepped back, intending to head to the barn, before saying, “You have the same effect on me, Dean.” 

“Yeahhhh…” Dean breathed, suddenly very turned on, “I’m going to head into town today and avoid you. You’re too tempting for my own good.” 

Castiel chuckled. “I’m fine with that. It’ll be easier to get my work done without you as a distraction.” 

“Have a productive workday, Cas,” Dean waved goodbye. Cas waved back and headed to the barn to start his chores. Dean watched him go, unable to wipe the lustful look off of his face. 

“You have to get better at hiding your feelings or someone will start to suspect something,” Gabriel said, coming up behind him and smacking the back of his head lightly. 

“Sorry!” Dean replied. 

“Lucky it was just me.” Gabe winked before following his brother to the barn. 

Dean took a moment to shake himself out of his lust-stupor. “Yeah,” he said to himself, “I have to get out of here.” 

He ran to his cottage and grabbed his keys and wallet before taking off in Baby. As he drove by a side field, he slowed down to watch Castiel on a horse, seed bags tied to each side of the saddle, as he rode down the rows in the field, seeding the ground. 

Dean intentionally revved Baby, which drew Castiel’s attention. Castiel waved to him as he sped off down the road toward the main part of Berlin. 

\-- C --

As Castiel watched Dean drive away in his car, he was struck by how different their worlds were. Would Castiel be driving a car someday? Would he dress like Dean and feel comfortable in those clothes? Would he miss his family and his farmwork? He felt his hormones die down as he pondered what life in the outside world, what life with Dean, would truly be like. Castiel only hoped that Dean had a similar way to keep his hormones at bay. It would make for an uncomfortable day for Dean if he couldn’t get his lust in check. 

\-- D --

“Dean?!” He spun around in his stool at Boyd & Wurthmann’s and saw Samandriel sitting at a nearby booth. 

“Sammy!” Dean exclaimed, smiling broadly. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to eat with our neighbor, Josiah, and his son Jacob. Sometimes, they take me out for lunch so I can have a break from working on the farm.” Samandriel explained. 

“Growing boys shouldn’t work so hard all the time,” Josiah spoke up, winking at Samandriel. “Their growing bodies need a break.”

“Josiah, this is one of our boarders, Dean,” Samandriel told his neighbor. “He’s been here since Monday.”

Dean stood up off of his stool and walked over to shake Josiah’s hand. “Nice to meet you, sir. I’m Dean.” 

“Likewise. I’m Josiah Miller. I live in the house to the north of the Yoder’s. If you ever need anything and they’re not around, feel free to come to me.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.” Dean replied, turning back toward his stool.

“Would you like to join us?” Josiah spoke up, scooting over to make room for Dean in the booth. 

“I’m fine, thank you. You guys are almost done eating and I just placed my order. I wouldn’t want to hold you up if you need to leave.”

“Very thoughtful, Dean. I like that,” Josiah replied, nodding approvingly. 

“Thank you, sir,” Dean replied. 

“Please, call me Josiah. No need for formalities among neighbors.”

“Thank you, Josiah,” Dean corrected himself, smiling kindly. He went back over to the counter and sat down. 

He looked over to his right, where the pie list hung on the wall. He perused the list, making note of the kinds of pie he would eventually like to try here. He decided on a french rhubarb pie for today, an egg custard pie for tomorrow, strawberry pie for the day after… before he knew it, Dean had a month’s worth of plans to have lunch at Boyd & Wurthmann’s and eat pies. He was going to gain so much weight in this place! 

Just as Dean was musing on how delicious the french rhubarb pie would be, he felt small arms encircle his middle and hug him tight. “Bye, Dean!” He heard Samandriel’s voice say.

Dean extricated himself from Samandriel’s grasp and swiveled around on his stool to face the boy. He pulled the kid in for a real hug this time. “See you at home, Sammy!” Samandriel smiled up at him, beaming from ear to ear. 

“He seems very fond of you, Dean,” Josiah walked over and commented. Dean felt Samandriel release from their embrace. The boy took a step back, looking slightly embarrassed.

“I’m very fond of him as well.” Samandriel beamed at Dean’s words. “He reminds me of my little brother.” The look Samandriel was giving Dean bordered on reverence. 

“He’s already told me about your car,” Jacob commented. “Daed, can I ride in Dean’s car when Samandriel does?”

“I suppose so, if it’s all right with Dean.” Josiah smiled warmly at Dean, already surmising that it would be all right with him. Josiah, like Samandriel, had taken a liking to Dean.

“It’s a-okay with me, Jacob!” Dean commented.

“Thanks, Dean!” Jacob rushed forward and embraced Dean as well. 

“You’re a popular man,” Dean’s waitress commented as she laid his food down on the counter behind him. Dean released Jacob and smiled over his shoulder at her. 

“Thanks,” he commented, turning back to his friends in front of him. 

“It was nice to meet you, Dean,” Josiah spoke, already ushering the boys toward the front register to pay. “I look forward to more meetings with you.”

“Likewise!” Dean said, waving to the group. The boys waved back enthusiastically while Josiah focused on paying for their meal. 

\-- C --

Dean stayed gone through lunch and the afternoon workload. Castiel missed him terribly. It was alarming how quickly and completely he had become attached to Dean.

Castiel focused on his work, using his anxiousness at knowing where Dean was, to fuel his work. He got more work today than he normally did, which put them ahead of schedule for tomorrow. It made Castiel feel better about missing work two days ago. 

Two days ago! It seemed so long ago to him now. So much had changed since that day. For crying out loud, Dean had only been here for four days and it already felt like he had always known Dean. 

Maybe that’s what soulmates were: two souls who always knew each other. Just because he had only just met Dean in this life didn’t mean that he hadn’t known him somehow before. Maybe it was God’s destiny for them to be together? Castiel couldn’t say for sure. The only thing Castiel knew was that Dean had changed his entire life, for the better.

\-- D --

Dean came home with ingredients to make his famous garlic and herb mashed potatoes. He had learned how to make them from Ellen, after much nagging. Dean had found he was pretty good in the kitchen. He wanted to impress the family and make up for two meals worth of awkwardness. He figured that, since his mashed potatoes always won people over, they would be a perfect way to say, ‘I’m sorry, Yoders, for skipping dinner last night and being weird this morning.’ Maybe even a good way to make up for the fact that he would soon be stealing two of the brothers away and, maybe one day, marrying one of them.

His mashed potatoes were a hit among the Yoders, who finished those before any of the other dishes on the table. Dean was glad. He felt like having the Yoder’s approval was something he needed. As though them liking him would soften the blow when he stole Castiel and Gabriel from them. It was, perhaps, deceitful. But it was important to him that the Yoders like him. After all, there was a slight possibility that he would be back here one day as family. A very very slight possibility, considering that they all believed that homosexuality was a sin. But, maybe, one day, it could happen. For Castiel’s sake, Dean hoped it would. 

“Daed!” Samandriel said loudly, jolting Dean from his introspection. Samandriel had, once again, taken the seat next to Dean on his left. Castiel was two seats down from Dean on his right, almost hidden from his view by Michael, who was between them. “Josiah took me to lunch at Boyd & Wurthmann’s and we ran into Dean there! He was having lunch. And I got to introduce him to Jacob. And Dean said Jacob could also ride in his car!” Samandriel prattled excitedly. 

“That’s wonderful!” Daed exclaimed. “Perhaps you boys could ride together. That would certainly make it easier on Dean.” Chuck winked at Dean, acknowledging that most twenty-somethings don’t want to hang out with pre-teen boys any longer than they have to. Dean appreciated this, but he was fine with taking the boys out whenever they wanted. After all, he had nothing better to do. And sticking around the farm would only lead to run-ins and temptation with Castiel. Dean was happy to use the boys as an excuse to escape for a day.

“Actually, maybe I could take Samandriel and Jacob out tomorrow? They could be my local guides and help me get a lay of the land. I wanted to explore some more. Hannah mentioned Dover the other day. I could take the boys with me,” he offered.

“We’ll have to ask Josiah if he’s all right with that,” Chuck replied. “But it’s fine with me.” 

“Yay!” Samandriel bounced in his seat with happiness. 

“Could we go, too?” Raphael chimed in from across the table, indicating he and Balthazar.

“Maybe another time,” Chuck responded. The boys’ shoulders dropped in disappointment. “I’m sure Dean doesn’t want to play babysitter to a whole group of you.”

“I don’t mind one bit!” Dean replied honestly. He kind of liked the idea of a group outing, to be honest. He noticed, out of the corner of his eye, Castiel look over at him with an affectionate smile. “I saw this thing in a brochure about the Warther Museum. It’s wood carvings and stuff. That might be fun, right?” 

“I would like that!” Balthazar piped up, smiling hopefully. 

“Sounds like a plan, then.” Dean beamed at all three of the youngest boys. Then, remembering his manners, he said to Chuck, “If that’s alright with you, sir.” 

Chuck laughed at Dean’s humble expression. “Of course it’s alright with me.” He nodded approvingly at Dean. 

 

\-- C --

Castiel’s heart soared to see how sweet Dean was with the younger kids and how much his Daed approved of Dean. It was becoming dangerously impossible not to hide his feelings for Dean. He was a good man. He was everything Castiel could want in a partner.

“I would be happy to accompany the group, to help Dean with the boys,” Castiel chimed in. Gabriel and Dean’s head whipped around to look at him. Castiel couldn’t look at anyone but his Daed right now. “I got more work done today than usual. And I know another day off tomorrow would be indulgent, especially with the boys gone and not working.” He knew he was rambling out of nervousness, but he couldn’t help it. “But, if Dean needs assistance with the kids, I’m happy to go along with them.” 

“That would be wonderful, my son!” His Daed cheerfully patted him on the shoulder. “You work too hard anyway, Castiel. You deserve a day of rest and fun. Besides, I have plenty of hired hands to make up for the missed work. I think it would be a great idea for you to help Dean!” The longer his Daed talked, the more Castiel got excited for tomorrow. This wouldn’t be a day alone with Dean, Castiel didn’t think he could behave himself alone with Dean. No, tomorrow they would have the boys with them, to divert their attention and keep them occupied. It would provide a wonderful opportunity for Castiel to get to know Dean, without the pressure of temptation between them. 

Castiel chanced a glance at Gabriel and saw him smiling. He winked at Castiel, showing his approval and Castiel winked back. 

“How come I can’t help him?” Hannah asked with a whine.

“Because Castiel asked first and it wouldn’t be proper for you accompany an Englishman with the kids. People might start to wonder if something was going on between you.”

Castiel blanched at his Daed’s words. He knew, as a man, he was safe from his neighbors making assumptions about he and Dean courting. But he still felt guilty because that’s basically what it was. He silently said a quick prayer of God’s forgiveness in his head. 

 

\-- D --

Dean was on Cloud 9. He couldn’t believe his luck! He had no idea why Castiel had offered to help him with the kids, but Dean was grateful that he had. They could spend time together without the desire to be physically intimate. They would have the kids to keep an eye on. Though, admittedly, the kids weren’t really kids. They were ages 11-14. An easy enough age range that he could’ve handled them on his own. Still, Dean was truly grateful that Castiel would be coming along with them tomorrow. 

He stared down at his plate of food, blushing and biting back his smile. He noticed Gabriel exchange a smile and knowing wink with Castiel. Gabriel then turned his attention on Dean. Dean looked up to see Gabriel waggle his eyebrows. Dean chuckled to himself but continued eating his food as Hannah and Chuck exchanged words that Dean didn’t hear. 

\-- C --

After dinner, Gabriel went to join Dean in the grove of trees again. Castiel wondered briefly if this would be a habit of theirs from now on. He wondered if he, too, might have habits with Dean one day. He wasn’t going to join them tonight. It would too hard to keep his hands off of Dean. But his steps were lighter, knowing that one day he wouldn’t have to fight that urge.

After helping clear the table, Castiel walked to Josiah’s, to ask permission for Jacob to accompany them the next day. After knocking on the door, he was greeted by Jacob himself, who let him in. 

“Daed! Castiel is here!” Jacob called, before running off to wash dishes. 

Josiah entered the front room and gestured for Castiel to have a seat on the couch. “To what do I owe this honor, Castiel?” 

“Dean, our boarder,” Castiel clairfied. 

Josiah nodded, “Aye, I know him. I met him today in town. He seems like a good man.”

“He is,” Castiel smiled adoringly. “He’s offered to take my youngest bruders to the Warther Museum in Dover. I am going to accompany them, to help with the boys. We just wanted to make sure it was okay with you before we invited Jacob to join us.”

“Aye, that sounds agreeable to me.” Josiah smiled.

“We’ll be riding in his car, which is what they call a muscle car. It’s safe, though. He has plenty of seat belts.” Castiel felt the need to add this, even though he had no idea how many seat belts the car had or if it really was safe. Castiel had only ridden in a few cars in his lifetime, but he knew how dangerous they could be. 

“I trust you, Castiel. You’re a good man and you take excellent care of your bruders and shwesters. You always have,” Josiah added proudly. 

“Denki,” Castiel replied fondly, genuinely touched at Josiah’s compliment. Josiah had been around a lot after Mamma died. He had helped as much as he could, with his own infant in the house. When Josiah’s wife Rachel had died a few years later, Castiel had sent his shwesters to help Josiah with the chores and with Jacob. They were like family to one another and Castiel was elated to hear Josiah speak highly of him. 

Josiah called for Jacob and informed him of their plans tomorrow. Jacob excitedly threw his arms around Castiel in a tight hug. Castiel took a moment to react, surprised by the boy’s affection, but eventually wrapped his arms around the child and returned his embrace.

Castiel walked home feeling elated. Tomorrow would be a good day. He just knew it.

 

\-- D --

“I’m proud of Castiel for volunteering to go with you,” Gabe said, once Dean had gotten himself seated in the tree grove. 

“I can’t believe he did,” Dean smiled, his heart still soaring.

“I was so sure, when I first realized how he felt, that he would avoid you all summer. It takes a lot to face temptation head on and not give in. I didn’t know my brother had it in him. He’s always been a good man. But he did so by abstaining from anything fun or even remotely worldly.”

“How so?” Dean laid back, his arms behind his head, and gazed up at the stars. 

“He never goes to singings, he definitely never goes to parties. He’s never been out to a bar with me and our English boarders. He’s always kept to himself. I’m proud of him for finally letting loose.” Gabriel, still sitting upright, smiled down at Dean. 

“Gabe?” Dean asked shyly. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you think… am I just a phase for him? Is he just sowing his wild oats?” The thought had occurred to Dean before, but he had pushed it away. But now, he couldn’t help but ask.

“Deanster!” Gabriel chided kindly, pulling Dean up to a seated position and looking him eye-to-eye. “Castiel is considering leaving everything behind. For you. This isn’t some short-lived rebellion. He’s changing his whole life’s plan to be with you. You needn’t worry. Castiel feels as strongly for you as you feel for him.” 

Dean’s smile blazed at that thought. “Thanks, Gabe.” 

“You’re welcome… bruder,” Gabe replied warmly. Dean smiled and wrapped his arm around Gabe affectionately.

“Brother. Yeah.” Dean commented. “I like the sound of that!” 

\-- C --

Castiel was sat upright in bed, reading a book as he often did, when Gabriel finally came into their bedroom. “Glad to see some things haven’t changed,” Gabriel said, nodding toward the book in Castiel’s hand. 

“I’ll have you know,” Castiel retorted without looking up, “that I’m using this book as a distraction so I don’t start fantasizing about how wonderful a whole day spent with Dean will be tomorrow.” 

 

“Gross!” Gabriel joked. “Just try to keep your dirty dreams to a minimum tonight, please. I don’t need to know that I’m sleeping next to fantasies.” He chuckled, to show he was only kidding. 

“You’re insufferable,” Castiel deadpanned.

“You sound like the old Castiel!” Gabriel commented.

“But I’m not him anymore,” Castiel replied with a wink. 

Gabriel smiled brightly and said, “I’m very glad for that. I prefer the new, happy Castiel.” 

“Me, too,” Castiel smiled. He bookmarked his page and placed his book on the side table. He blew out the candle and snuggled under his covers, thinking of the day when he could snuggle up with Dean. 

“I can hear your fantasies from over here,” Gabriel joked.

“Good night, bruder,” Castiel retorted sternly, earning a chuckle from his brother.


	6. Castiel's Revelation

\-- D --

Friday morning dawned with Dean, yet again, hard as a rock. It was getting infuriating. He wanted to be in control of his body’s reactions. He didn’t want to scare Cas away with too much, too soon. He liked Cas for who he was, which including liking his purity and naivety. Dean only hoped that God, if He existed, would forgive him for masturbating to thoughts of the Amishman. 

\-- C --

Dean seemed distant and uncomfortable at breakfast. Was he regretting agreeing to take the kids out for the day? Was he not looking forward to a day together with Castiel? Castiel tried not to let his mood sour. The younger boys were all bouncing with eagerness. Castiel wanted, very much, to share their excitement. But Dean wasn’t making eye contact and was quiet again this morning. 

Perhaps Dean hadn’t slept well? Maybe he was excited about the trip and had been up all night? If so, Castiel should suggest that he take a nap before they head out. He didn’t want Dean to be tired while driving. 

But Dean didn’t look tired. He looked… ashamed, somehow. Did Dean feel guilty for spending a day with Cas? Or was it that he was pulling 5 of the bruders away from their daily work? Daed was okay with it and they were ahead of schedule anyway, Dean needn’t feel guilty. Castiel would have to explain this to him once they were in the car. 

After a breakfast that was rushed due to the boys’ excitement, the girls offered to clean up so they could get on the road promptly. Daed wanted them home in time for supper, so they needed to leave soon. 

Castiel helpfully ushered the boys outside to the car. Josiah and Jacob were waiting outside for them.Castiel thanked Josiah for his trust in Dean and secretly counted the seatbelts, to make sure that the hadn’t lied to him last night. 

\-- D --

Dean stepped outside and saw Josiah and Castiel talking next to Baby. Balthazar and Raphael were already in the backseat. Jacob and Sammy were chatting animatedly about riding in the car with Dean.

The ride in the car! Dean hadn’t considered that he and Cas would be just feet apart in his car today. Sure, they would have the boys with them, but they would be in close proximity for the forty-five minute drive each way. Dean felt a blush creep up his neck and spread over his cheeks and ears. A long car ride with Castiel, after the dirty fantasy Dean had had two mornings in a row, would not be a good idea. Dean didn’t know if he would be able to control his thoughts during the ride. Especially not with the way Castiel was looking at him from the corner of his eye right now.

“Uh, hey Sammy,” Dean stammered, looking at Samandriel. “You want to ride up front, in the middle, between me and Castiel? It’s just… there are only three seatbelts in the back. And with us bringing Jacob along, someone will have to sit in the front. I figured you would like that, since this whole thing started with you asking to ride in the car.” 

“Oh, denki, Dean! That would be wonderful!” Samandriel ran to Dean and hugged him tightly. Dean felt dirtier with the kid touching him. He had asked Sammy to sit up front so there would be a barrier between him and Castiel, to keep his dirty thoughts at bay. He felt like the lowest scum on earth right now, with Samandriel thinking that Dean asked because Sammy was special. The kid was special to him, but that wasn’t why Dean had asked. Dean felt despicable. 

 

\-- C --

With Samandriel hugging Dean, Castiel finally had an excuse to look directly at the man. He noticed how beet red his entire skin was and wondered what the cause behind that was. He made a note to ask Dean later if he was okay. Maybe at the museum, when the boys were distracted and the two men would have a moment alone. 

Dean and Castiel got into the car on opposite sides, with Samandriel between them. The ride there was filled with the excited chatter of the boys, as they remarked on how fast the car was and how quickly things flew by them. 

Dean seemed in his element, no longer nervous as he had been at breakfast. Castiel watched him subtly, as Dean described different features of the car to the boys. It was obvious that Dean loved this car very much and was proud of it. He explained how he had rebuilt the engine himself just a couple years ago. 

Castiel was enthralled. He would never have imagined that Dean was able to build a car engine. He had seen the engines on the tractors and was perplexed by them. He had even watch a mechanic fixing one of the cars of a boarder a few years back. Castiel had no idea how engines and machinery worked. That was for their English farmhands. 

As they neared Dover and the Warther Museum, Castiel felt his heart shift. Sure, he had decided upon leaving before. Now, he didn’t know if it would ever be possible for him to stay. Not after knowing that Dean existed in the world. 

\-- D --

Dean shrugged off Castiel’s offers to pay for the boys’ tickets, claiming, “It’s my treat, Cas. This was my idea.” 

“Fine, Dean, but I’m paying for myself.”

“You most certainly are not!” Dean nudged Castiel’s hip to knock him away from the cash register. The lady behind the register chuckled. “Two adults and four kids,” Dean said, handing over his credit card before Dean could argue. 

“I will pay you back,” Castiel said, giving Dean the stink eye. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean waved him off. Castiel smiled and put a hand on Dean’s lower back fondly. Dean stiffened, realizing how close Castiel was at the moment. It suddenly felt harder to breathe. He had been fine in the car, having the boys to distract him and Samandriel physically separating him from Cas. But now, with Cas this close, it was hard for Dean to control his errant thoughts. 

Luckily, the cashier handed him his credit card and the slip to sign. Dean signed the slip, put his credit card back in his wallet, and handed the pen back to the cashier. Castiel wandered off to go wrangle the boys. Dean breathed a sigh of relief. He tucked his wallet away, gave the woman a friendly smile as she handed him their tickets, and followed her to the doors of the museum. 

 

\-- C --

Castiel had sensed Dean tensing up again, but he didn’t understand why. Gabriel had said that Dean was attracted to him. And it was obvious that Dean was. And Dean knew how Castiel felt. Dean hadn’t been tense in the tree grove, when they’d hugged. And Dean seemed so happy that Castiel would be leaving with him and Gabriel. So why was he getting so tense now? Why was he closing himself off? Castiel needed to talk to Dean to find out what the problem was. 

The entire duration of the tour, Castiel watched Dean. Dean reacted to the beautiful hand-carved replicas of trains with the wonder of a child. Dean seemed to love this museum as much as the boys did. He peered into the windows of the models to see the details inside. He pointed out interesting features to the kids. 

Castiel thought the carvings were gorgeous, but not half as gorgeous as Dean himself. Castiel was in awe of the intricate woodworking, sure. But he was more in awe of the fascination of Dean’s face. Castiel felt like he could watch Dean all day, every day, and never get bored. 

After their tour and observation of the knife-makers, they headed out to the grounds of the museum. The grounds were full of lovely Swiss gardens, well-maintained and absolutely stunning in the sunlight. The greenery around them contrasted with the bold colors of the blooms, creating a view almost as beautiful as Dean’s face. 

Castiel and Dean let the boys run off by themselves, to go play a game on one level of the multi-tiered lawn. Castiel and Dean walked out onto a bridge connecting the lower levels with an upper level and leaned on the railing, watching the boys play. 

 

\-- D --

As they observed the boys from a distance away, Castiel tapped Dean on the arm. Dean turned and looked at Cas, who had slid up close to him.

“Are you all right, Dean?” Castiel probed.

“Uh… yeah…” Dean replied awkwardly, hoping Castiel would just drop it.

“You just seem very… tense. I hope today’s trip isn’t a burden on you. You seemed so happy the other day. But then at breakfast, you were very shy and uncomfortable. You’ve been oscillating back and forth all day.” Dean could feel his ears flame at that. He had no idea what color his face was but he could tell that Castiel noticed the change. 

“No… it’s nothing. I’m enjoying today’s trip. I just…,” he couldn’t come up with a single excuse. His treacherous brain wouldn’t allow him to create a lie right now.

 

\-- C --

“It’s okay, Dean, you can tell me.” Cas put a hand on Dean’s arm and squeezed, hoping to comfort him. But it only seemed to make Dean even more fidgety.

“Uh, no, Cas, I really can’t.” Dean stared out at the view of the lawn, unable to look at Castiel.

“Why not?” Cas inquired, dropping his hold on Dean.

“Because I can’t come up with a convincing lie right now and, trust me, I can’t tell you the truth.” Dean looked like he wished the bridge would break open and swallow him whole right now. Castiel had no idea what was causing this discomfort in Dean.

“Just tell me, Dean. It’s fine. Nothing you say will upset me. If you want me to get away from you, that’s okay.”

“No!” Dean said quickly and forcefully. “I mean… umm… you don’t have to walk away unless you want to. I’m glad you came-went! I’m glad you went with us today. Honest, Cas.” 

“Then, Dean, just tell me what’s troubling you. Maybe I can help?”

“Nope. No you can’t,” Dean said, glancing up at Cas and then quickly back to the ground.

“Dean, this is silly. Obviously something is bothering you today and I want to help. Just tell me!” Castiel spoke more firmly than he usually did. A short silence fell as Dean struggled to pluck up the courage to say something. 

Finally, he whispered, “I had… some not so pure thoughts about you earlier and I, uhh….” Dean put his face over his hands and turned to the side, trying to hide his shame. 

“You, uhh…? You what? You…” Realization slowly dawned on Castiel. “Oh! Oh, I see!” You, uhh…” Castiel made a motion to indicate what he was thinking happened. Dean glanced down quickly and then nodded, turning even redder. “Hmm,” Castiel considered this. Normally, he would be quite embarrassed himself. But Dean was embarrassed enough for the both of them. “Okay.” 

“Okay?!” Dean looked at him incredulously. “What do you mean by okay?” 

“I mean that’s it totally normal for you to do that. And it’s okay that I was the subject of… that… for you,” Castiel replied awkwardly. “I told you yesterday that it’s okay for your body to react to me. And that my body reacts to you as well.”

“That’s a little different than actually pleasuring yourself to fantasies of the other.” Dean retorted.

“If I didn’t share a room with Gabriel, I might have done that to thoughts of you.” 

“Seriously?!” Dean looked like he’d just seen a ghost. It was endearing, honestly, if not a little comical. 

“Yes, seriously. Amish people do that. We’re not really supposed to, but, like I said yesterday, we’re only human. And it’s not a surprise that you would think that way about me. Now that I know you feel the way you do. It’s to be expected. So I’m fine with it.” Now Castiel was the one blushing. 

Dean stared incredulously at Castiel for several minutes, as though waiting for Castiel to declare that this was all a joke and that he was offended at Dean pleasuring himself to thoughts of him.

“Huh,” Dean eventually said. “I had no idea… that it would be okay with you.” Dean laughed to himself. “The entire breakfast, I was beating myself up over it. I felt like the lowest scum on earth.To have those thoughts about an Amish man… that’s like, sacreligious, isn’t it?” 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Castiel put a hand on Dean’s lower back, rubbing gentle circles. “We’re not some innocent little goody goodies. We’re naive about the world, yes, but we do have sex. That’s how we have children, after all.” 

\-- D --

Dean wanted to shrug Castiel’s hand off. His friendly touch was not helping the situation at all right now. It was causing another physical reaction in Dean. But he didn’t want to be rude and hurt Castiel’s feelings, so he focused his mind on other things. 

“But… isn’t it wrong to have sex for pleasure?” Dean asked, while thinking about his pseudo-father Bobby’s reaction the first time he accidentally walked in on Dean with a girl in his room. That had killed Dean’s libido immediately back then. But it didn’t seem to be helping much right now. 

“We believe that sex is for making children, yes. But I’m not opposed to… other reasons to have it. When I leave here,” Castiel finally removed his hand from Dean’s back and turned slightly away, “maybe it’s something we’ll explore together. But I know,” Castiel turned and looked Dean square in the face, holding his gaze, “that I am not upset at you and that you shouldn’t feel guilty.” 

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Cas,” he smiled at the other man.“Now, let’s get on the road before the boys stop playing so nicely with each other.” 

“Hit the road?” Are we going home so soon?” Castiel asked, sadly. He didn’t want to leave the perfect bliss of this beautiful day with Dean.

“Nope! We’re going to have lunch in Sugarcreek and then we have other things to go see.” Dean announced.

“Such as?”

“The world’s largest cuckoo clock, Cas! I saw it the other day and it’s pretty cool. I’m sure the boys would all love to see it.” Dean smiled eagerly at Castiel and Castiel felt his heart skip a beat. Dean’s exuberance for life was so attractive. “And we’ll do some shopping in Sugarcreek, see the sights.” 

Castiel didn’t want to tell Dean that they had been to Sugarcreek before and that there wasn’t much to see there. He liked seeing Dean so excited. Castiel just nodded, wondering where Dean planned for them to eat lunch. Castiel started to walk to the car, but Dean spoke up quickly to stop him.

“Just one thing, though, before we head out?” Castiel turned around to look at Dean. “Maybe… for a while… just, uhhh… maybe don’t touch me?” Dean chanced a nervous glance up, worried that he might have hurt Castiel’s feelings.

“Why not?”

“Because, it doesn’t help. With… you know.” Dean gestured vaguely around his crotch area, where his jeans were definitely bulging. Dean felt himself blush again as Castiel looked down at the area. He saw the realization dawn on Castiel’s face. 

“Of course, Dean. My apologies. I would never want to be the source of discomfort for you.” Castiel’s smile was so genuine and sweet that Dean relaxed a little. 

He trusted Cas to keep his promise. And his relief at Castiel’s forgiveness of his earlier admission was palpable. If Dean had known that Castiel would react so cooly to the news that Dean had masturbated to thoughts of him, Dean wouldn’t have been so awkward and embarrassed through breakfast. He smiled adoringly at the man as Castiel walked back to the car. Dean felt himself fall even more in love at that moment. 

 

\-- C --

Lunch, sightseeing, shopping, and especially the car ride home were torturous to Castiel. He should have left the issue alone and not pressed Dean about his embarrassment this morning. On one hand, he was glad that Dean no longer felt uncomfortable about pleasuring himself to a fantasy of he and Castiel together. On the other hand, Castiel himself was now wondering what that fantasy could possibly have been. He had spent the entire day thinking about it.

Dean had noticed and asked him about it a few times. Each time, Castiel would put on a good face and say it was nothing. But Castiel knew that Dean suspected something. Castiel would tell Dean later. It wasn’t something they could talk about in front of the boys. 

On the car ride home, Castiel was totally silent as he thought about Dean’s fantasy. He wasn’t experienced at all, so he didn’t know what Dean could have imagined happening between them. He felt so young and naive next to Dean, unable to conjure up more than the image of the two of them looking at one another naked. He knew Dean probably pictured them touching, but Castiel didn’t know in what ways men touched each other. 

He wished now that he had gone with Gabriel to some of the parties the local English kids their age had thrown. Castiel knew that Gabriel had seen some elicit things happen at those parties. Castiel felt like a child now, unable to picture the very things that people his age did with each other. 

He felt small and stupid, sitting just feet away from Dean. 

Dean must’ve noticed because, after a few minutes of Castiel sulking and staring out the window, he felt Dean’s fingers lightly brush the back of his neck. It was a split-second touch, something the boys wouldn’t even notice, but it got Castiel’s attention. 

He turned his head and saw that Dean had his arm up on the back of the seat, reaching around Samandriel and resting his hand near Castiel’s head. Castiel smiled sweetly at Dean, with a levity he didn’t truly feel, and Dean smiled back. Castiel very subtly rested his head against Dean’s fingers.

Cas would have to talk to Dean later, explain what was going through his head. But could he really do that? It would be so awkward. Not to mention tempting. Castiel didn’t want to put Dean through that. But he wanted to be honest with Dean. Nothing would ever be accomplished by keeping secrets, Castiel knew that now. He had spent years hiding his sexuality and Gabriel had known anyway. He wondered if being honest with Dean would drive him away or bring them closer together. 

He didn’t know if he was ready for anything physical to happen between them, he’d only just accepted the idea of moving away. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t want to know what it would be like when they did finally touch. He couldn’t imagine it, but he could listen to Dean tell him about it.


	7. Castiel's Decision

\-- D --

They dropped Jacob off first, not wanting to make him walk back to his house from the Yoder’s. Dean made sure to walk the boy to his door and to fill Josiah in on everything that had happened, including the candy he had allowed the boys to eat in his car. Josiah thanked Dean heartily and promised to repay him. Dean waved the offer off. He didn’t need repaid. Seeing the joy on Jacob’s face had been payment enough. 

Dean shook Josiah’s hand and turned back to head to the car. He spotted Castiel watching him through the window. Dean paused on the porch step and smiled lovingly at Cas. Cas smiled back, a genuinely affectionate smile. Dean’s heart leapt. He practically floated down the steps and back to the bar. 

Dean got back in the car and drove to the Yoder’s driveway. He pulled into his usual spot and barely had the car in park when Castiel jumped out and headed for the back field. ‘Odd…’ Dean thought to himself. He knew something was up with Castiel, but he hadn’t dared to ask in front of the boys. And Cas had seemed so happy just a moment ago. Judging by the way Castiel had fled, it seemed like he didn’t want Dean to ask. 

Dean let the boys out of the car and then journeyed toward his cottage. He planned to lay down for a bit to rest while he waited on supper to be served. 

Much to his surprise, when he entered his cottage, he found Cas sitting on one of the chairs at the small table just inside the door. Dean startled, but said nothing. He closed the door behind him and made sure to lock it. He drew the curtains on the windows, just in case. He had no idea what Cas was doing here, but he didn’t want anyone to see them and get Cas into trouble. 

“What’s going on, Cas?” Dean inquired, sitting in a chair opposite Castiel. 

“I wanted to ask you… about what we talked about before… on the bridge…” Castiel was staring at the wood grains of the table. 

“I’m sorry, again. I know you said it was fine before, but does it bother you now?” Dean’s chest tightened. He hadn’t meant to cause any tension between them. Cas had pressed him for information and he had relented. Now he was worried that he had made Cas feel wronged.

“No. It doesn’t bother me. Well, the fact that you did that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that… I can’t picture it.” Castiel looked up shyly.

“Picture what? Me? Touching myself?” Dean felt his cheeks flame and his pants tighten. 

“No…. Well, yes, that too. But I mean… you imagined stuff happening between us. I don’t know what you could’ve imagined. I’ve never… read about that or seen it. I know how sex works between men and women, my Daed explained that years ago. But I don’t… I’m not sure how… men have sex… together.” 

“Oh. I see.” Dean said, relaxing. “It’s pretty easy to explain, if that’s what you’d like.”

“Please,” Castiel looked up, begging Dean with a look. “I can’t ask Gabriel. And I want to… imagine those things between us, too. I want to have all of the information so I can fully understand my decision. And I want to make sure I understand what I would be… doing… with you… if I left..” he tapered off, becoming shy once again. 

“I, uh,” Dean struggled to breathe. His clothes suddenly felt too tight, too warm. “Do you want me to just tell you or do you want me to show you? Or... to do that to you?” Dean didn’t know where he was finding the bravery to ask that question, but he was glad he did. The hope that flared in Castiel’s eyes was worth the butterflies in Dean’s stomach. 

 

\-- C --

“Maybe… show me? Guide me through it myself?” Castiel explained. “If I change my mind and decide to stay,” Dean’s face fell as Castiel said that. Castiel sat up straighter and reached toward Dean, wanting to comfort him. “I don’t want to lie to you, Dean. I want us to be completely honest with each other.” Dean nodded, still looking heartbroken. “Right now, my brain is telling me to really think things through. I’ve only known you for five days. And while these days have been five of the happiest of my life,” Dean beamed radiantly and Castiel paused his explanation to smile back at Dean. 

“While these have been some of the happiest days of my life,” Castiel continued, “I still don’t know what the future holds. Not 100%. I was so sure the other day. But, now, realizing how little I know about what it truly means to be with another man... I want to have all of the information before I make my decision. If I do decide to stay and live a lie, I don’t want the shame of a homosexual fling to hang over me as I marry and join the church.” Castiel watched a tear make its way down Dean’s cheek. Dean’s eyes were misty. 

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, walking over to Dean and wiping the tear from Dean’s cheek. “I don’t mean to upset you. I know what I want. I want you. But choosing you comes with many other issues. I want to make an informed decision. I would be choosing you over my entire family, except for Gabriel. I want to make sure I know everything that decision involves. That includes wanting to know what sex with you would be like.” Castiel cupped his hand to Dean’s cheek. There was still sadness in Dean’s eyes, but there was understanding as well. “Show me, Dean. Please.” 

Dean nodded slowly and grabbed Castiel’s hand that was on his cheek. He pulled the hand to his mouth and kissed Castiel’s palm tenderly. Castiel closed his eyes and breathed in, relishing the feel of Dean’s lips on him. In that moment, he was ready to hop in the car with Dean and abandon everything he knew. But he knew that was just his hormones reacting to Dean’s lips. He needed to have all of the information before making his decision. 

 

\-- D --

Dean took his hand and lead him to the bedroom, closing the door and locking it behind them. “Sit down, on the bed,” Dean instructed as he went to the window, drew the curtains, and hung a towel over them for good measure. It threw the room into complete darkness. Dean could hear Castiel shifting on the bed, getting comfortable. 

Dean flipped the light switch on the wall and gasped as he took in the sight of Castiel laying on his bed. There was already tenting in Castiel’s pants and Dean’s eyes were drawn to the sight. Castiel was beautiful like this, even fully clothed. Dean had to turn away just to be able to think. 

“The, uh, first thing I imagined was us lying in the bed together, cuddling and kissing. I imagined us lying together naked, me kissing you all over your body. Running my lips and tongue over your skin.” He had to pause as he heard a gasp behind him. He peeked over his shoulder to see Castiel very turned on and very flushed. “Jeez, Cas, I haven’t even gotten to the good part and you’re already excited.” Dean tried to lighten the moment, but his joke only made Castiel feel bad. Dean rushed over, seeing the hurt look on Cas’s face. 

He put his hands on Cas’s face and turned his head to face him. “Look at me, Cas.” Cas opened his eyes, hurt still evident in them. “That was a joke. A very bad one, I’ll admit. I don’t judge you for your lack of experience. I love that I’m the one who gets to teach you about these things. I love that I get to see you like this. Even if I can’t touch you beyond my hands on your face, I love that we get to share this together right now.” 

“I’m sorry that I’m so naive-” Cas began, but Dean cut him off.

“Hey! You listen to me! I love who you are. And if you were more experienced, if you weren’t Amish, or if you had been wilder on your Rumschpringe, you wouldn’t be you. You wouldn’t be the man I’ve fallen for.” 

“You love who I am?” Cas clarified. 

“I… what?” Dean searched Cas’s eyes for the meaning behind the question. Was he scared away by those words? Was he excited? 

“You said you love who I am. And that you’ve fallen for me. Do you? Love me, I mean?” The look on Cas’s face was so hopeful. Dean wouldn’t have said no, even if it were the truth. 

“Yes. Very much.” Cas began crying at that and it took all Dean had not to pull Cas toward him and hold him. “I know we’ve only just met,” Dean continued. “But everything I learn about you or experience with you, I love. You’re a great man, Cas. I could easily see myself taking you home and sharing my bed and my life. I know it’s too fast to say that, but-” Dean’s next words were cut off by the fiercest kiss of his life. The passion and emotion that Cas poured into his lips was dizzying. Dean felt weightless, buoyant. He felt like singing and dancing and running a marathon all at once. 

Cas pulled back and looked into his eyes. “You were saying?” He smiled devilishly.

“Jeez, Cas, give a guys some heads up,” Dean said, adjusting himself inside his now too-tight pants. Dean watched as Cas’s eyes flirted down to watch Dean adjusting himself. The look in Cas’s eyes was positively lustful. Dean smirked cockily. “Like what you see, sexy?” 

\-- C --

“Shut up, Dean,” Cas replied, laying back on the bed. “Now. Where were you in your story?” Cas asked cheekily. “Ah, yes, we were laying in bed naked, cuddling and kissing. Your tongue was on parts of my body that nobody except for me has ever seen.” 

Dean moaned filthily at that, garnering Cas’s attention. His face fell into a mask of lust and seriousness. His playful mood from a moment ago was gone. Cas was now a man on a mission. He wanted Dean to finish the description of his fantasy. “Cas, can I, act out what happened earlier?” Dean asked brazenly, glancing down at his tight pants to indicate his meaning. 

“Only if I can, too,” Cas responded somewhat shyly. 

Dean moaned again, unzipping his pants and relieving the tension in them. Cas’s eyes followed Dean’s hands as he pulled his jeans and boxers off, exposing his genitals. Cas licked his lips thirstily. He had only ever seen his own penis, so he really didn’t have much information to judge by. But he thought that Dean’s penis was the most beautiful one in the world. It was plump and a similar length to his own. 

Castiel followed suit, removing his suspenders and trousers. The Amish didn’t believe in zippers and buttons, so it was quick and easy for Castiel to pull his trousers and underwear off at the same time. He quickly removed his shirt, though Dean still had his own on.

\-- D --

Dean looked at Castiel, lying there on the bed, naked. He noted the strong muscles, just as he had imagined. His eyes danced over the trail of hair leading down Castiel’s stomach to his groin. Dean licked his lips as his eyes drunk their fill of Castiel’s cock. Dean wanted so badly to touch it, to wrap his lips around it, to make Castiel feel as good as he had in his fantasy earlier. 

“So… in my fantasy earlier, this is the part where I touched your cock and licked it.” 

“Licked it?” Castiel sounded slightly alarmed. “Is that… pleasurable?” 

“Oh, yes,” Dean replied, gently stroking himself. He breathed heavily as he saw Castiel’s eyes watching him pleasure himself. 

\-- C --

“I… I want to picture it. I want to imagine your lips on me. But… my imagination isn’t good enough. I can’t imagine that it feels good.” Castiel looked away guiltily. “Please, Dean. Show me. Touch me. Let me feel what you imagined earlier.” 

“Cas…” Dean’s voice was pleading. Castiel turned back and looked at him. “Are you sure? This isn’t a decision to make in the heat of the moment. Let me walk you through a different fantasy. And, if you decide to come with me when I leave, I’ll act out my other fantasy for you. Deal?” 

Castiel wanted so badly to feel Dean’s lips on his manhood, the way Dean described it. If it felt as good as Dean made it sound, Cas wanted to experience that. But he knew Dean was right. He couldn’t make this decision in the heat of passion. He needed to think clearly before deciding to take such a big step. “Okay, Dean,” Castiel said, laying back comfortably. He moved over to give Dean room to lay beside him. “But I want you next to me as you talk me through this. Please,” he nearly choked on the word in desperation. If he couldn’t have Dean on him, he wanted him near him. 

Dean slowly made his way over to the bed and laid down, leaving plenty of room between them. Dean stripped off his shirt and removed his shoes. Castiel likewise removed his shoes. The two men laid side by side as Dean began walking Castiel through a fantasy. 

“I’m going to describe what I want to do right now. But, I promise you, I will not touch you. Understand?” Castiel nodded. “Good. I want to put my hands on your hard body. I want to feel all of those strong muscles, the sturdiness of you underneath me. I want to run my hands up and down your sides,” Castiel did so with his own hands, imagining they were Dean’s hands touching him. He shivered. 

“I want to run my hand down your chest, down your stomach, and down to your cock. I want to take your cock in my hand.” Castiel followed along, wrapping his fingers around his length. He looked over to see Dean doing the same to himself. “I would stroke you, slowly at first, twisting my hand when I get to the head of your cock.” Castiel did so and gasped sharply. He had pleasured himself before, but it had never felt this good. He moaned and felt Dean still behind him.

He turned his head to see Dean looking at him hungrily, chest heaving with heavy breaths. It was all Castiel could do not to roll toward him and kiss him. “I want to kiss you right now,” Castiel informed Dean. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you,” Dean said, with a wink. He rolled onto his side so he was facing Castiel, every stroke bringing his hands near to Castiel’s side. Castiel liked the thought of looking into Dean’s eyes as they did this. He rolled over and faced Dean. Now, each stroke brought their hands brushing together. Dean gasped and looked down between them. 

Castiel looked down, too, wondering what view Dean was seeing. Their cocks, as Dean has called them, were so close. One small thrust of the hips and they would be touching as they stroked themselves. Castiel knew that would lead to more touching, so he quickly looked back up. 

Dean was watching him, trying to gauge his reaction. “I want to touch you so badly right now,” Castiel admitted. 

“I know,” Dean replied. “Me, too. It’s taking all of my self restraint not to scoot closer.” Dean bit his bottom lip and moaned quietly. The sight made Castiel feel even more pleasure. 

“What would we do if we were closer? Wouldn’t our hands have less room to move?” Castiel asked curiously.

“We would press our bodies together, from chest to groin. And we would thrust our hips so that our bodies created friction between us, our cocks sliding together. It’s a delicious feeling, Cas.” Dean’s breaths were getting shorter and heavier. Cas moaned at the thought of their bodies touching. 

He knew he shouldn’t, he knew it was against everything in his upbringing, but he had to. Castiel inched closer and waited for Dean to react. Dean looked at him almost fearfully, pulling his hips back so they weren’t touching. “Cas. No. You shouldn’t do that.” 

“I need you, Dean. I need to feel you.” Castiel put his free hand, the one not currently stroking himself, to Dean’s cheek and ran his thumb over Dean’s cheekbone. “Please, Dean. I want this. I’m asking you for it. Please.” 

Dean’s hips snapped forward as Dean moved their bodies closer. Dean had been right: they were touching from chest to groin. Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel’s lower back and pulled him tighter against him. Castiel let out a filthy moan at the feeling of their genitals sliding together. The friction was better than his hand ever could be. He heard Dean moan, too, as they rutted together. 

\-- D --

“Dean, I feel… It’s different than normal. It feels stronger. It feels-” Castiel looked worried.

“Shh, Cas, it’s okay. It’s just an orgasm. They’re more intense when you’re with someone you love. It’s okay. Just let it happen.” Dean pulled Cas even tighter and thrust his hips harder, driving Cas toward ecstasy. Castiel moaned filthily, driving Dean crazy. He could feel the heat building inside himself, too. He wouldn’t be much farther behind Cas. 

Suddenly, Cas’s thrusts became erratic and he cried out. Dean clutched him tightly, his free hand reaching down to play with Cas’s nipple. Cas’s eyes snapped open, his pupils lust blown, and a smile formed across his face. “Dean, that feels so good. Don’t stop.” 

“Never, Cas,” Dean replied, moving his mouth down to lick at the now firm bud. 

Cas moaned loudly and his hips stopped suddenly. Cas reached down between them and stroked both of them together, coming in his own hand and all over Dean’s cock. It was the hottest thing Dean had experienced in a long time.

When Cas was spent, he pulled his hips back, but continued stroking Dean. Dean was so close, almost there. But he felt bad, making Cas stroke him. Dean pulled his hand off of Cas’s back and reached down to take over stroking his cock, but Cas slapped his hand away. “Let me, Dean. Please. I want to help you feel as good as I feel right now.” 

“Cas,” Dean breathed, scarcely able to believe what he was hearing. 

“Come on, Dean. Let yourself go. Show me how beautiful you are when you orgasm.” Dean moaned filthily and leaned in to kiss Cas. Cas kissed back with fervor, his strokes speeding up and bringing Dean closer to the edge. 

\-- C --

“Cas, I’m gonna come,” Dean warned. 

“Come?” Cas asked, confused.

“Orgasm. I’m close,” Dean clarified. 

“Oh, I see,” Cas replied, leaning in close to Dean. “Come for me, Dean,” he whispered in Dean’s ear.

Dean cried out and bit his lip, his face contorting. Cas could feel Dean’s juices spurting out, joining his own fluids on the bed between them. Cas continued to stroke until Dean grabbed his wrist gently and stilled him. 

Cas laid back, feeling shy. He hoped that had been good enough for Dean. He hadn’t done anything that Dean had talked about with his mouth. He hadn’t touched Dean’s chest as Dean had his. He felt so inexperienced next to Dean. 

Just as his self-esteem was crashing, he felt Dean’s fingers intertwine with his own. “Hey.” Castiel turned his head to meet Dean’s gaze. “You doing okay?” The look in Dean’s eyes was so full of love and caring that it nearly brought Castiel to tears.

“Was that okay?” He asked shyly, biting his lip. He fought the tears that threatened to spill over.

“Hey,” Dean rolled over and pulled Castiel close to him, holding him tightly. “Cas, that was amazing. It felt so good. And it meant the world to me, Cas. To get to share something so wonderful with you. It was an honor.” 

Castiel pulled back to gauge Dean’s expression. He looked so genuine, so truthful. Castiel couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. They unleashed themselves like a river overflowing. “I’m sorry I’m crying,” Castiel said, wiping his eyes. “It just… it meant a lot to me, too.” 

“It’s okay,” Dean whispered, pulling Castiel back into him and peppering loving kisses all over his neck and shoulder. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean and held on tightly. Dean had said earlier that he loved Castiel and now Castiel knew exactly what Dean had meant. 

Castiel had never let his guard down so fully, had never given himself over to another human being so freely. The carnal pleasure was great, sure. But Castiel was so overwhelmed with emotions that he didn’t care that he and Dean had touched. He didn’t care that he had actually had a homosexual experience. He didn’t care that he shattered the rules of the Ordnung to pieces and would be shunned. Nothing mattered more in the world than Dean. 

“Dean, I’ve made my decision. I want to leave with you when you go. I was already fairly certain. But now I know for sure: I want to give up my life for you.” 

Dean pushed Castiel back and looked at him with such a stunned expression that Castiel was sure that Dean would reject his offer. “Cas, you can’t make this decision in a moment like this.” 

“What?” Castiel pulled away, hurt. Dean was rejecting him, he knew it. He corrupted the innocent Amish man and was going to leave him. Why hadn’t Castiel seen this coming? 

“You’re feeling things more strongly than ever and you’re convinced it’s love. But it’s hormones.” 

“So you don’t want me anymore, is that it?” Castiel felt used and dirty and discarded.

“No, Cas, that’s not it.” 

Castiel moved off of the bed. Dean got up and followed him, reaching out for him. Castiel slapped Dean’s hand away as he bent down to pick up his clothes and get dressed. “You got what you wanted from me and now you’re done with me. You’re just going to leave me here, wallowing in the sin of what we’ve just done.” 

“Cas, listen to me! I’m not rejecting you! Post-sex feelings are heightened. You think things that you might not really mean!”

“So it wasn’t amazing? That was just the post-sex feelings? It didn’t mean anything to you? Because it meant something to me!” Castiel knew he was being irrational. But the pain of rejection stung so deeply. He felt shame overtaking his entire body. He wanted to bathe a million times, to wash the sin of what they’d done off of him. 

“It was amazing. And it meant the world to me, I meant what I said. Cas, please stop and listen! Let me explain myself!” 

“I understand, Dean. I get it. You English are all the same. Hedonistic and selfish. You come here and you gawk at our backwards ways. You expose us to music and videos on your stupid phones. You teach my brother stupid slang words and take my brothers for rides in your indulgent cars. You English take such pleasure in corrupting us Amish. And you, Dean. You’ve corrupted me beyond what anyone else ever could. You’ve made me impure. I will surely burn in Hell for what we’ve done today.” 

\-- D --

Castiel managed to get the bedroom door unlocked and quickly made his way to the front door. Dean pleaded with him to listen, to stay, to understand. Dean hadn’t meant to seem like he was rejecting Castiel. He just didn’t want Cas to make such a major life decision while coming down from the bliss of an orgasm. He knew Cas wasn’t thinking straight and he wanted to make sure Cas made the right decision, while he was in the right headspace. Somehow, it had all blown up in Dean’s face. 

Castiel managed to get the front door to the cottage open and he stepped outside just as the dinner bell rang. Dean, who was still fully naked, couldn’t follow him and stop him. Castiel shut the door behind him and left Dean standing there, naked and bereft. 

With legs like lead, he returned to the bedroom and looked around, trying to understand what went wrong. Why hadn’t Castiel let him explain? Why had Cas assumed that Dean was rejecting him? The only explanation Dean could think of was that Castiel regretted touching during their tryst. Castiel had made decisions in the heat of passion that he wasn’t actually okay with. 

Dean angrily pulled the blanket, which still had both of their cum on it, off of the bed and threw it against the wall. He laid down on the bed and beat it with his fists. He had ruined everything! He had told Castiel that he wouldn’t touch him, but he had anyway. Nevermind that Castiel had begged him for it. Dean knew better. You never let people make decisions in the heat of passion. As the one with more experience, Dean should’ve remained in control and not allowed them to touch each other. He should never have laid down on that bed next to Cas. 

Dean grabbed his pants and attempted to pull them on. His foot got stuck and he tumbled to the floor in a heap. He couldn’t bring himself to move as the tears came pouring out. He had meant what he said before: he loved Cas. And now his heart was breaking. Cas would never understand. Cas would never let him in again. He had, inexplicably, ruined his only chance. 

Dean stayed on that floor as the dinner bell rang another time. He stayed there as his stomach growled angrily. He stayed there as he heard a knock on the cottage’s front door. 

“Dean-eriffic!” Gabriel called through the wood. “Let me in, please!” Dean didn’t respond. “Look, I know you’re in there. And we have back up keys. I could come in, but I really don’t want to find you and my brother in a compromising position.” 

Dean looked toward the door curiously. Why did Gabriel think Cas was in here with him? Hadn’t Castiel gone back to the house for supper? Dean stood up and yanked his pants on, making sure he was zipped and fully covered before opening the door. 

“Yowza! I can see what my brother sees in you,” Gabriel said, looking at Dean’s bare chest. When Dean didn’t laugh, Gabriel looked up to his face. He noticed the tear tracks staining Dean’s face. “Woah! What happened?! Are you okay?” Dean stepped back as Gabriel came rushing inside, looking around. “What’s going on?” Dean closed the door and locked it.

“Cas and I… kind of…” Dean couldn’t bring himself to face Gabriel, let alone say it. It sounded so sick to him now. He couldn’t believe he was so perverted that he had sex with an Amish man. Dean gestured toward the bed, not wanting to say it out loud. 

“You mean you… did stuff? Like sexual stuff?” Gabriel clarified.

“Yeah,” Dean answered, dropping into a chair. Gabriel sat in the chair next to him.

“So why the tears? And why did neither of you come to dinner tonight?” Dean looked up when Gabriel said this. 

“I thought Cas went to the house. He stormed out of here, so angry. I figured he went to your room to cool down.” 

“No. I don’t know where he is!” 

‘Oh, shit!’ Dean thought. ‘Where on earth did Cas go and was he okay?’

“Why was he angry?” Gabriel asked. 

“We were cuddling after it happened and he said he had made his decision. That he wanted to go with us when we left,” Dean paused as Gabriel’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. 

“Soooo… We knew he wanted to come with us. Why did he get angry and leave?”

“Because I told him not to make such a huge decision in the heat of passion.” Gabriel shook his head.

“You’re unbelievable!” 

“What?! You can’t make major decisions like that in post-coital bliss. You’re not in your right mind when you’re feeling so euphoric after an orgasm!” Dean defended himself.

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you just told me that you gave my brother an orgasm,” Gabriel shot him a lethal look. “Did it ever occur to you that Castiel knew exactly what he was saying? That he had probably already made this decision? That opening up to you and allowing you to… do that physically to him meant that he already knew what he wanted?”

Dean sat back, defeated. Castiel had seemed so on the fence before everything happened. Dean had even cried at the thought that Castiel might not come with him. Cas had seemed so sure that he hadn’t reached his decision yet and Dean had believed him. 

“But…” Dean said quietly, “he acted so undecided before we began. He said he needed to know all of the facts and know what he would be getting into, if he chose to leave.” 

“He was probably easing himself into things. He couldn’t just go from meeting you to sleeping with you in such a short time. That’s not how it’s done in our community. At all! Couples court for months, sometimes years, before they marry and have sex. Castiel probably didn’t know how to handle the fact that he wanted to,” Gabriel shuddered at the thought, “do that with you.

“And, sure, he kind of lied to you by doing things the way he did, by making it seem like he was unsure. But, trust me Dean, if Castiel hadn’t wanted to get into bed with you, he wouldn’t have. And he wouldn’t have gone to bed with you if he wasn’t absolutely sure that you were it for him. My brother doesn’t mess around. Trust me. I’ve been trying to get him to loosen up for years.” 

“Gabe, I gotta find him!” Dean stood suddenly and began redressing himself. As he went to put his socks and shoes back on, he realized that Castiel had left his. Wherever Castiel had gone, he was barefoot. Dean, now fully clothed, snatched up Castiel’s socks and shoes, and went to find him.

As he was heading out the door, Gabriel, who had his feet kicked up on Dean’s table and his hands behind his head, said jokingly, “I can’t believe you had sex with my brother and then told me about it!” He winked to show that he wasn’t actually offended as Dean closed the door and headed out to find Cas. 

\-- C --

Castiel had no idea why he had come to this part of the creek. People rarely went to this part of their property. There was no farmable land back here to tend to. The only time people ventured back here was when they were riding horses for fun and wanted to give their horse a drink. He supposed he’d ended up here because it was secluded and far away from the house. 

Castiel laid back and looked up at the clouds. He thought back over what had happened. He had thoroughly enjoyed his first sexual experience, even if it meant that he would burn in Hell for all eternity. Dean was worth that. Or… he had been. Right up until he rejected Castiel. 

Castiel replayed it over in his head, though it was quite painful. He wasn’t sure why Dean had said what he’d said. Castiel had made his decision long before he’d actually began anything sexual with Dean. He had known when he had gotten out of the car and made a beeline for Dean’s cottage that this was it, the decision was made.

Watching Dean interact with the boys at the museum, seeing the wonder in his eyes, it had been a wake-up call to Castiel. He would never look at a woman the way that he looked at Dean. And he could never live his life without the feeling he got when Dean was nearby. Dean was worth all of Hell. Dean was worth being shunned for. 

So where had things gone wrong? Why had Castiel reacted so angrily? Dean had kept asking him to listen, to let Dean explain. But he just kept going. He said some very inflammatory things. Things he certainly didn’t mean. 

Dean was right: you had thoughts that you didn’t mean when you were still coming down from your orgasm. Castiel had spoken these untrue thoughts out loud, claiming Dean had corrupted him. 

Castiel sat up suddenly. Did Dean think that Castiel’s decision to leave with him was untrue? Did he think Castiel said that because of his high emotions after their sexual encounter? “Oh my God!” Castiel blasphemed. “That’s what he was talking about! He didn’t believe me that I wanted to leave with him. He didn’t think that I was thinking clearly!” 

Castiel started to get up, to return to the cottage and apologize to Dean, when he heard Dean’s voice. “No, he didn’t think you were thinking clearly.” 

“Dean!” Castiel exclaimed, falling back to the ground. 

“And he didn’t want you to throw your life away in the heat of passion. He wanted you to be sure. He didn’t want you to give up everything for him! He wanted- he wants you to have everything. To be happy and to keep your family and to have him, too. But that’s not possible, Cas.” Dean came over and sat near Castiel, just out of reach. He set Castiel’s socks and shoes on the ground between them and nodded to Castiel to begin putting them on. “So I didn’t want you to make a hasty decision and throw everything away just because I had made you feel good.” 

“I know, Dean,” Castiel hung his head in shame, pulling his sock on. “I realize that now.”

“And Gabriel made me realize that you’d already made your decision. That you never would’ve gone to the bedroom with me if you hadn’t known what your choice was. Even if we hadn’t touched, you still had your mind made up.”

“I knew at the museum earlier.”

“You did?!” Dean turned toward him, disbelieving. 

“I did. I don’t remember any of the exhibits at the museum because I was watching you the entire time. I was watching your face, how excited you were over the trains. I was watching you interact with the boys, pointing out intricate details. You were so beautiful to me. And I realized that I could never look at anyone the way I looked at you. I could never feel about anyone the way I felt about you. 

“If I stayed here and lived a lie, I would always know that you were out there in the world. And that someone else might marry you and I would miss my chance. I couldn’t do that, Dean.” Castiel, finally having his shoes and socks on, scooted over and closed the distance between them. 

“Dean, I want you for eternity. Even if that means an eternity of Hell. I will gladly give up Heaven for you, Dean.” At the look of shock in Dean’s eyes, Castiel added, “I mean it. I love you!” 

He leaned in and closed the distance between. The kiss was chaste and full of promise. This wasn’t a passionate kiss about fulfilling desire. This was a vow of love. A vow of forever.

“Cas,” Dean breathed, pulling back. “I love you, too.” 

“I know, Dean. I know.” He kissed Dean again, this time with a little heat behind it. 

\-- D --

After a few minutes of kisses, Castiel pulled back and looked at Dean’s face closely. “You’ve been crying?” 

“Yes.” Dean explained what happened Cas had left. Cas listened, without saying a word this time. 

“I thought you were rejecting me. Telling me not to come with you,” Cas explained succinctly. 

“I know. Gabriel made me realize that.” 

“Gabriel!” Castiel groaned and laid back. “I can’t believe you told my brother what we did!” 

“I know!” Dean said, laying back and lacing their fingers together. “I didn’t go into details. But I had to explain why neither of us were at dinner.” 

Castiel sat up suddenly, eyes wide! “Dinner! Oh no! Everyone will notice that we’re not there! What will we tell them?”

“That we took a walk and got lost. You wanted to show me something and we got separated. I was lost and you were trying to find me.” Dean shrugged, pulling Cas down, this time on top of him. 

“You make it sound so easy,” Castiel said in amazement. 

“Lies are never easy. The guilt will eat away at you. But I don’t think your brothers and sisters need to know what actually happened.” 

“Ugh,” Castiel groaned and buried his hand in Dean’s neck, hiding his face. Dean just laughed and held Castiel close for a few minutes.

“Come on,” Dean said finally, “we need to get inside and try to grab some food. We don’t want to starve.” He gently pushed Castiel off of him and sat up, wiping the dirt from his back. 

“Here, let me help,” Cas said, helping Dean stand up and going to the back of him to wipe the dirt away. He hesitated when he got to Dean’s bottom. Blushing slightly, he gently wiped the dirt off of Dean’s behind. 

“Why, Cas!” Dean pretended to be scandalized. “How sinful of you!” Dean winked and Castiel just laughed. “My turn,” Dean said once Castiel was done clearing the dirt from him. 

Dean grabbed Castiel’s shoulders and pulled him flush up against him, chest to chest. “Dean, I don’t see how-” Cas’s protest was cut off as Dean wrapped his arm around Cas and began running his hands all over Cas’s back and butt. After sufficiently wiping away any dirt, Dean gave Cas’s perky ass a squeeze, eliciting a small moan from Cas. 

“Dean, we cannot do that now. We have to get back to the house.” 

“You’re no fun!” Dean joked as he hugged Cas tightly once more and then backed away. They stood there for a moment, spellbound again. Cas smiled warmly at Dean and Dean felt his heart soar. He couldn’t believe how quickly and thoroughly he had fallen for Cas.

After a few minutes of entranced staring, Cas pointed to a leaf in Dean’s shoelaces. As Dean was bending down to clear the leaf, he felt Cas step quickly away from him. 

“Anna! Michael! Thank heavens!” Castiel squeaked, his voice cracking from nervousness. 

“Castiel?” Dean heard Michael’s voice. He stood up and looked over. There were Anna and Michael, out of breath as they’d been walking quickly, searching for Dean and Cas. 

“Where have you two been?” Anna asked, worriedly. 

“I went for a walk and got lost,” Dean said, knowing Cas might not be able to handle lying just yet. “Cas was trying to find me.” 

“Are you all right?” Anna looked concerned. 

“I’m fine. Maybe a little embarrassed at getting lost. But nothing hurt but my pride!” Dean lied smoothly. 

\-- C --

Castiel didn’t know if he was in awe of Dean’s ability to lie so convincingly or upset at how easy it was for Dean to lie. Would Dean ever lie like this to Castiel? He wanted to believe that Dean never would. But he needed to have a talk with Dean to be sure. That would have to come later, though. Right now, Castiel was sighing internally at Michael, who was shouting. 

“Daed! Hannah! Boys! We found them!” Michael alerted the other family members. While Anna and Michael were distracted watching the others approach, Dean threw Castiel a look that said ‘Close call!’ Castiel nodded in agreement. He didn’t know what would’ve happened if they had gotten caught kissing or cuddling. 

After retelling their lie to the rest of the family, everyone made sure Dean and Castiel were okay. Eventually, they all headed in to have supper. No one had eaten once they realized that Dean and Castiel were missing. On their way back to the house, Dean pulled away from the group. 

“I need to grab my medicine from the cottage. I’ll be right in,” Dean spoke up. He threw a stealthy nod to Castiel to let him know it was fine to carry on without him. 

“We’ll meet you at the table, Dean,” Castiel said, ushering his family away from the cottage so that Dean could do whatever he needed to do. 

\-- D --

Dean waited until the family was out of earshot before opening the door to the cottage. He stuck his head inside and whispered, “Gabriel?” 

“In here!” Gabriel called, almost directly in Dean’s ear.

“Asshole!” Dean replied.

“You earned it. Never tell me about sex stuff with my brother again, got it?” Gabriel quirked an eyebrow up.

“Deal!” Dean agreed. “Everyone is headed inside. We told them I got lost and Cas went to find me.” 

“Got it. Thanks for helping me keep the story straight. Now, let’s go get some chow!” Gabriel hopped up and pushed past Dean to exit the cottage. “Oh, and Dean?” Dean turned to look at Gabriel as he pulled the door shut behind him.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry about yelling in your ear.” Gabriel said.

“No you’re not!” Dean replied as he caught up to Gabriel. 

“No. I’m not.” Gabriel laughed. Dean joined his laughter as they walked to the house together. 

\-- C --

Throughout dinner, it was very difficult for Castiel to make eye contact with anyone. Lucky he had been so closed off before; otherwise, his siblings might be suspicious that he was staring at his food and not talking. 

\-- D --

Dean felt it harder than ever to concentrate on the conversation at dinner. His first night, it had been difficult to keep track of the conversation because there were too many people. Tonight, it was difficult because there was only one person at this table that Dean wanted to speak to. 

\-- C --

Throughout dinner, Castiel noticed Michael looking back and forth between them. His chest tightened, hoping Michael didn’t sense something was up. Castiel watched Michael furtively from the corner of his eye, trying not to draw the man’s suspicion while simultaneously trying to discern what Michael was thinking. 

Castiel felt like what they had done was written all over his and Dean’s faces. It was too easy to sense it. Though no one but Michael seemed suspicious of them. Castiel tried to placate himself with the thought that Dean’s moods had been different nearly every meal and that Castiel was often silent and withdrawn. But he had no way of knowing what Michael suspected. He could only send a silent prayer to God that Michael was none the wiser.


	8. Chuck Finds Out

\-- D --

After what felt like the most tense meal Dean had ever eaten, he took his plate to the sink and began to head out the back door toward the tree grove. “Hold up, there, stranger,” Michael said to him as he opened the back door. “I want to talk to you.” 

Dean felt a sense of dread in his gut. Why did Michael, who was the least welcoming of the entire family, want to speak to Dean? He swallowed thickly and nodded to Michael. Even though he was only 16 and physically smaller than Dean, Michael was intimidating in this moment. 

“I want you to stop putting my bruder at risk!” Michael demanded. 

“I’m... sorry...,” Dean stammered, trying to play like he was confused,” I don’t know what you mean.” 

“You know exactly what I mean! Castiel never blows off his work. He’s done it twice this week. Castiel would never offer to go on a daytrip. But he did with you. And Castiel would never go looking for a guest of ours without alerting everyone else first. So why did he search for you by himself?” Michael took a step closer. “You want to know what I think?” 

“No. But I’m sure you’ll tell me,” Dean found his courage and stood up straight, shoulders back. 

“I think you’ve somehow convinced my bruder to take advantage of his rumschpringe. I think you two were out in the woods, goofing around, and didn’t want to tell us that you’d lost track of time doing whatever it is that young Englishmen do. Probably drinking alcohol or smoking or something, knowing how you English are! So you lied about it. And you dragged Castiel into your lie. And, somehow, Castiel has fallen for your charms and decided to follow you like a lost puppy. The cool, new English boarder. Castiel’s new best buddy! 

“Well, I’m not having it! Gabriel won’t say anything because he loves to cause mischief. And it would be improper of the girls to say anything to you. So that leaves me as the oldest one to say it: stop corrupting my brother! Gabriel might be a lost cause. But Castiel’s always been a pillar of our society. He’s an upstanding, well-behaved Amishman. He’s never stepped a toe out of line, even though he’s on rumschpringe. But you come here with your danger car and leather jacket and, for some reason, Castiel decides to act worldly. It stops now, Dean!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dean stated firmly. “Castiel is an adult and he’s welcome to behave in whatever way he sees fit, even if you don’t approve. If your Daed has a problem with it, he can tell me himself and I will happily monitor Castiel’s behavior for him. But I’m not taking orders from a kid, Michael. Castiel has done nothing wrong. So back off!” 

“Fine! I’ll go to Daed then! If you’re so eager to have a conversation with him! I’ll tell him my concerns and we’ll see what he thinks!” Michael turned and stormed back into the house.

Dean breathed out and relaxed his posture. Michael was suspicious now, but he was way off the mark. He could probably never imagine the truth of what was going on between Castiel and Dean. But he knew something was up. Cas and Dean would have to be much more careful from here on out. 

Dean sat down in a chair on the back patio and waited, wondering if Chuck would call him into the house for a chat soon. Dean noticed movement from his left and turned. Castiel walked closer, slowly. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. But I overheard what Michael said. I’m sorry he yelled at you.” 

“It’s okay, Cas. It’s not your fault. He’s right, you know?” Castiel looked inquisitively at Dean. “I’ve changed you.”

“For the better,” Castiel replied, taking a seat next to Dean. 

“He’s just afraid because changes mean the unknown. You’ve been the rock for this family for so long. The steady one. The one they could rely on. Things changing scares him because he doesn’t know what the future holds. I would be afraid if I were him, too.” 

“How can you be so wise about this? Aren’t you terrified that my community will kick you out for leading me astray?” 

“Why should I be? I’ll still have the best part of this town when I leave.Though it does sadden me to think that anyone in your family doesn’t approve of me. I wanted to make a good impression on them and be a good guest.”

“You have been. Michael’s just concerned because you fascinate all of us in a way that our guests rarely do. Sammy is attached, I’m attached, Gabriel’s attached. My sisters adore you for helping out so much and offering to cook yesterday. The little boys adore you for taking them on the daytrip today. Daed adores you for how kind-hearted and selfless you are. Michael’s just concerned that we’ve all become too attached to you too quickly.”

“Well, someone has to be the voice of reason,” Michael said quietly from behind them. 

“Michael, it’s rude to eavesdrop,” Castiel chided, despite the fact that he had just done so a few minutes previously. 

“I wasn’t eavesdropping. I only heard the last part. Daed sent me back out here to apologize to Dean. He said I was rude to confront Dean and that, if anyone was acting worldly, it was me. I’m sorry, Dean. You’re our guest and I was rude to you. That is not the right way to behave.” 

“Michael, please have a seat,” Dean said, indicating the chair next to Castiel. Michael sat and turned expectantly toward Dean. “You’re young. You’ve only ever known Castiel as a stoic, serious, and obedient man. It’s hard for you that he’s changing because it means other things might change. And that scares you. And I understand that.” Michael hung his head in shame.

“I’m not mad at you, Michael,” Dean continued. “You may have stated things rudely, but you did so out of concern for your family. I care about your family. I want what’s best for them, as well. So I can’t be mad at you for wanting the same thing I do.

“You’re right, your bruders and I have become very close. I understand why that alarms you. But, believe me, I love your family and I am not here to destroy it. On the contrary, I think some members of this family have an irrevocable place in my heart.” 

“You and Sammy have taken a shine to one another,” Michael chuckled. Dean breathed a sigh of relief that Michael cited that example and not other examples he could’ve used. Michael didn’t need to know that Dean and Castiel’s hearts were intertwined. Nor that Gabriel had a firm place in Dean’s life as one of his new favorite people. Soon, both of them would also have a place in Dean’s home. But Michael didn’t need to know about that yet. 

“I’m sorry, too, for what it’s worth,” Dean spoke up. 

“What are you sorry for?” Michael inquired.

“That I spoke so forcefully to you. That I’ve caused you any concern. That you feel as though my behavior isn’t acceptable.”

“I think you’re doing what you think is right. Just because I don’t agree doesn’t mean you have ill intentions. I’m sorry.” Michael extended his hand. Dean shook it gently, kindly. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to tell Daed that I apologized. Good night, Dean. Good night, Castiel.” With that, Michael got up and left. 

\-- C --

“You handled that remarkably maturely, Dean. I’m proud of you,” Castiel declared. 

“Thank you. I just don’t want to give anyone in your family cause to be angry with me or dislike me. I want them to like me.” 

“I like you enough for all of us,” Castiel replied, grabbing Dean’s hand and squeezing it lovingly before releasing it. 

“Thanks.” Dean smiled down at this hand. 

The two sat in companionable silence for a while, until the back door opened and Daed emerged. 

“Castiel, Dean, I’m glad you two are still sitting here. I would like to speak with you both,” Daed said, taking the chair Michael had vacated and dragging it around so he was facing Castiel and Dean.

Castiel felt his throat tighten. He had thought the danger had passed. But it seems that they were not in the clear yet. Castiel saw Dean tense beside him. He wanted to grab his hand and give it another squeeze, to comfort him, but he couldn’t do that in front of Daed.

“You both know that Michael spoke to me earlier and that I sent him back out here to apologize. However, I don’t think Michael’s fears were unfounded. I have some concerns I’d like to address with you both.” 

“Yes, sir,” Dean responded. Castiel didn’t know how Dean was finding the courage to speak right now. Castiel could hardly breath. It was evident from his Daed’s tone that Daed was not happy with them right now. 

“What is going on between you two? I want the honest truth.” Castiel saw Dean look over to him, wondering if he should be the one to speak up or if it would jeopardize everything if Dean spoke up. Daed watched them exchange the look and his eyes narrowed. “I want the honest truth,” he repeated firmly.

“Dean and I…” Castiel began, hardly able to say it. “Dean and I are in love,” Castiel admitted. 

“That much I could tell,” Daed replied stoically.

“You knew?!” Castiel asked incredulously.

“My son, I may be a distant father at times. After the loss of your mother, it’s sometimes hard to open my heart again. But I know you well, my child. I could sense the connection between the two of you, though I didn’t know how deeply it ran. 

“I’ve known for some time, Castiel, that you had different desires than the rest of us. I won’t say unnatural because I don’t believe they are. God made you as you are. And you’ve always been a good man. You’ve always adhered to the Ordnung. Until Dean came along…

“He’s your first true test of faith. Of whether you believe in our way of life or not. Do you?”

“Daed, please don’t ask me that,” Castiel begged.

“You need to answer, Castiel. I know your bruder Gabriel doesn’t believe. It’s okay if you don’t either. I just need to know the truth.” 

“Father, please. I don’t want to say it.” 

“You don’t believe?” 

“I do… I did… I just… I love Dean. And the Ordnung says I shouldn’t. That I’ll be shunned for it. But I do,” Castiel reached over and grabbed Dean’s hand. Dean squeezed his hand reassuringly. Castiel looked over at Dean and smiled. 

“Will you be leaving with him when he goes?” Daed asked.

“Ya,” Castiel answered honestly. “Gabriel will be, too,” he further admitted. He didn’t want to lie his father. 

“I see,” Daed replied, sitting back and taking this information in. “You know that would mean giving up this entire family, ya?” This last question was said in their native tongue, a discussion solely meant for father and son. 

“Ya,” Castiel replied, also speaking in Pennsylvania Dutch. “I love him enough to walk away from everything. Father, I could never look at a woman as I look at Dean. I could never live my life knowing that Dean was out there and that I wasn’t with him. I need him, Father. He’s as vital to me as air and food.” 

“I felt that same way about your mother,” his Daed replied, tears filling his eyes. Dean looked between the two of them, completely lost in the conversation. “I know how consuming that kind of love can be. How good it can be for you. I give you my blessing, my son,” his Daed said, leaning in and pulling his son to him. 

Castiel had to let go of Dean’s hand in order to hug his father. He wrapped his arms tightly around his father. He never thought that this would ever be possible. He had been so sure that his father would send him away with ugly words and the command to never return. He never imagined he would have his father's blessing. Castiel was so overwhelmed with relief that he collapsed onto the patio. 

\-- D --

“Cas!” Dean shot out of his chair and caught him. “Cas, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, Dean. More than fine. I’m so utterly and completely happy right now,” Castiel said, pulling Dean in for a kiss. Dean pulled back, looking up at Chuck, alarmed. 

“Cas, your dad!” 

“He knows. And he’s okay. We have his blessing!” Cas informed him. 

“Is that true, sir?” Dean inquired. 

“Ya. It is true. God makes love. Who am I to deny His work? If you two are meant to be in love, I will not stop you.” Chuck smiled kindly at him. Dean pulled Cas closer to him, holding onto to him tightly. 

“Thank you, sir!” Dean replied.

“You may call me Daed,” Chuck corrected him.

“Thank you, Daed!” Dean said happily, tears coming to his eyes. Dean and Cas embraced and exchanged chaste kisses several times before Dean eventually helped Castiel back up and into his chair. 

“Now that you have your footing, my son, I want to ask you both about your plans.” They both nodded at Chuck. “You’re leaving here in August?”

“That’s the plan. But I can stay longer, if needed.” Dean stated. He wanted to assure Chuck that he had no intention of stealing his son. He wanted Chuck to trust him.

“Do you have a job to get back to? How are you able to stay here for so long?” Chuck probed.

“I do. My uncle owns a scrap yard and wants me to come work for him. I was let go from my previous job as a mechanic because I fell into a depression after my girlfriend left me. She was… well, she was pregnant and lost the baby in a car accident. We just couldn’t recover as a couple. So she left me quite suddenly one day and I didn’t handle it well. That was almost two years ago now. I lost my job last year. I was over Lisa by then, but still listless and felt like my life had no direction. My boss let me go. Luckily, I had a lot of money in savings that I could live off of. My car and home are both paid for, so I had few expenses. 

“But, now that my life is reinvigorated,” he squeezed Cas’s hand once again and smiled at him lovingly, “I’m going to work for my uncle and build a life with Castiel, if that’s permissible to you, sir.” 

“I told you to call me, Daed,” Chuck chided kindly. 

\-- C --

“Daed,” Castiel chimed in, “all jokes aside. Are you certain you’re okay with this?” He indicated he and Dean, just for clarity. 

“Castiel, I shield you children from a lot of troubles, so you have no way of knowing this. But the Bishop has come to me many times over the years, concerned about how closely we interact with our boarders and how worldly your bruder Gabriel is. We’ve been nearly shunned many times. When I decided to open the cottages up to boarders. When I hired so many English farmhands to help us. When I nearly drank myself to death after your Mamm died. When I asked to have indoor plumbing installed. When I allowed Gabriel to go to a bar. Even today, when I allowed the boys to ride in Dean’s car. 

“This community has not been behind us in the way a community should. Apart from Josiah, we had little help after your Mamm died. We’ve built our barns mostly alone. A few have come to help us, but not in the way they help the others in our district. Your sister haven’t been courted yet because most families are keeping their sons away from our family.This community doesn’t want us to be a part of it.

“If they were to find out that you were in love with a man, they would shun us. Even if I told you to stay away forever, which I would never do, they would still shun us. They’ve been looking for an excuse for a long time. They wouldn’t care that Dean’s a good man, a worthy man. They would still kick us out. 

“And I’m okay with that.” Castiel’s eyes went wide at his father’s admission. “I can see that surprises you, my son.” Castiel nodded. “This community has given us nothing but trouble. I think, with some help, we could live in the English world and get by just fine. I’m sure Dean would be willing to help us.”

“Absolutely!” Dean added quickly. Castiel’s heart thudded in his chest. How could he have found such a perfect man? 

“We have enough money to move away from here and buy a home elsewhere. You and your bruder were already heading to Kansas. We shall come with you. We have time to plan and look for a place to live and find work. I could sell this place to an English company, who would use it to board tourists who are here to visit. It is more than possible for us to leave this life, Castiel. Especially if Dean helps us acclimate.” 

“I’m sure my family would all help as well!” Dean chimed in. 

“Denki, Dean,” Chuck replied warmly. He leaned forward and placed a hand on Dean’s arm. He looked Dean right in the eyes. “I will be honored to have you as my son one day.” Castiel watched as tears fell from Dean’s eyes. He released Castiel’s hand so that he could stride over to Daed and give him a hug. 

“Thank you, sir,” Dean said. 

“Daed!” Daed corrected forcefully. They both chuckled, still in an embrace.

“Thank you, Daed!” Dean amended. 

“You’re welcome, my son.” They released their embrace and Dean took Castiel’s hand once more. He pulled their entwined hands to his lips and kissed them sweetly. “I’ll leave you two alone for tonight. I need to get some sleep. It’s late. You two should sleep also. Tomorrow, we’ll have a family meeting to discuss all of this. Will that be okay with you?” 

Dean nodded. He turned to Castiel and looked at him questioningly. “Ya, Daed. It’s fine. We’ll tell the family what’s going on. I’ll make sure Gabriel is okay with everyone knowing that he was going to leave.” 

“Denki, Castiel.” Daed hugged both of them and started to go inside. “And, by the way, Castiel. If you decide you’d like to stay in Dean’s cottage with him after you speak to your bruder, just be discreet about it, please. You’re both adults and I trust you. But we don’t need rumors spreading before we leave.” 

“Denki, Daed,” Dean said.

“Hey! You got it right this time!” Daed laughed. Dean and Castiel joined in, too. 

“Denki, Daed,” Castiel said before his Daed parted ways and went to bed. 

Castiel turned to Dean once they were alone and told him, “I’ll be out to your cottage once I tell Gabriel what is going on.” 

“Of course,” Dean leaned in and kissed his cheek sweetly. “I’ll see you in a little bit.” 

“I love you, Dean,” Castiel couldn’t help but say. 

“I love you, too, Cas,” Dean responded, kissing their entwined hands once more before releasing his hold and heading toward his cottage. 

Castiel walked through the house and up to his bedroom quietly, trying not to disturb anyone. Upon entering his room, his bruder was waiting up for him. “Well, this is quite the opposite from the past couple days, huh?” Gabriel joked. 

Castiel filled his bruder in on the conversation they had with Daed and what the future plans were. Gabriel was in total agreement with the plan, relieved to be able to have his family with him. He giggled immaturely when Castiel told him that Daed had told Castiel that he could sleep out in Dean’s cottage with him. 

“Use protection!” Gabriel said, with a wink.

“You’re insufferable!” Castiel repeated his phrase from last night, earning him a laugh from his younger bruder.


	9. In Dean's Cottage

\-- D --

Dean couldn’t believe their luck! How on earth had this trip turned his life so fully upside down so suddenly? He was beyond Cloud 9 now. He was in total nirvana. Absolute bliss. Not only did he have permission to be with Castiel, he had Chuck’s blessing and total support. Dean knew his own family would be happy for them. He had never imagined that Castiel’s family would be, too. Okay, so it remained to be seen if the rest of the siblings would agree. But he had Chuck and Gabriel’s blessings. It was more than he could’ve hoped for! 

After about forty minutes, there was finally a knock at his cottage door. Dean practically flung the door off of its hinges in his haste to pull Castiel inside and into his arms. They stood there, just inside the door that Castiel had the presence of mind to close, and held each other for several long minutes. Their bodies swayed almost rhythmically, totally in sync with one another. 

Finally, Dean pulled away. “Let’s go to the bedroom,” he suggested. He could feel Castiel tense in his arms. “We don’t have to do anything sexual. I just meant, let’s go lay down and cuddle and try to get some sleep, okay?” Castiel nodded then looked down, a flush of embarrassment creeping up his cheeks. “Hey,” Dean tilted Cas’s chin up, “none of that. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I just… I feel so naive next to you sometimes. Like I know so little compared to your wealth of knowledge.” Castiel admitted as they headed into the bedroom. 

Dean closed and locked the bedroom door behind them before pulling Cas back into his arms. “You speak multiple languages! You know how to plow and plant a field. And how to harvest. You can make the best elderberry pie in the world! You know how to build and raise a barn. You know so much that I don’t know! You’re so smart, Cas!” 

“How do you do that? How do you make me feel better and valued and worthy?” Cas whispered reverently. Dean shrugged as Cas leaned forward and pressed his lips to Dean’s. Cas tensed for a moment as Dean opened his mouth to deepen the kiss. But then Cas melted into the kiss like he’d found exactly where he belonged in the world. 

\-- C --

Castiel awoke in the morning, limbs tangled with Dean’s. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s back and pulled the man closer to him, holding him tightly. Dean shifted a bit in his sleep and Castiel felt the hardness of Dean’s erection against his leg. He gasped, not yet used to such a feeling, but still thoroughly excited about what it meant. 

It was still so hard for him to believe that Dean wanted him. Dean, who had the whole world at his fingertips, chose someone like Castiel, who was so sheltered and lived such a small life. Of course, in a year or so, that wouldn’t be the case at all. Castiel would be worldly, just like Dean. He would be free from his life of shame and guilt. 

Sadness hit him as he realized that he’d be leaving behind the life his Mamm had planned for him. She would remain here, buried in her grave, while the rest of the family went out into the world. It was a terrifying, exciting, and sadenning prospect. It would be a huge adjustment. But Castiel would have Dean with him, to help him adjust and to hold him when he couldn’t bear it anymore. 

Castiel snuggled even closer to Dean and rubbed his leg against Dean’s groin. Dean moaned in his sleep, which drove Castiel wild. Castiel repeated the action. This time, Dean’s eyes opened slowly as he moaned. “You trying to start something, Cas?” Dean whispered groggily.

“You started it. I was just taking advantage of it,” Castiel whispered back, nuzzling his lips against Dean’s. Dean kissed him sweetly before pulling back to stretch and yawn. As he lay back into place, Dean ground his erection against Castiel’s body. This time, it was Castiel who moaned. 

“I could get used to this,” Dean said dreamily, still groggy from waking. 

“As could I,” Castiel added sweetly. 

They laid there, rutting against each other sleepily for several minutes before Dean’s eyes snapped open and he jokingly muttered, “Dammit, Cas! You got me all worked up. Now I’m awake.” 

“Mmmm,” Castiel moaned, still rutting against Dean, “my plan has worked!” 

Without warning, Dean quickly rotated their positions so that he was laying on top of Cas. He reached between them with one arm, pulling their nightclothes down and exposing their genitals. Castiel gasped as the cool air of morning hit his bare skin. 

Dean grasped them both and began stroking, agonizingly slowly at first. “Come on, Dean,” Castiel whined. 

“Nope. You started this teasing. I’m going to keep it going,” Dean replied as he continued his torturously slow pace. The build up was driving Castiel crazy. He wanted more. He wanted it faster. He wanted Dean to bring him to the edge yet again today. 

“Dean, please!” Castiel’s whine this time was one of desperation and need. “I need you to move things along. You’re driving me crazy here!” 

“As you wish,” Dean said. Suddenly, he was sliding down Castiel’s body sinuously slowly. Castiel propped himself up on his elbows and watched as Dean planted himself on his knees at the end of the bed. Confused, Castiel sat up. Dean winked at him before grabbing the back of Castiel’s knees and pulling him down the bed so that he was partially off the end, his feet flat on the floor but his back still resting on the bed. 

“Dean, what are you…” but Castiel’s question was cut off as Dean wrapped his lips around Castiel’s erection and began licking and sucking. 

So this was what Dean had referred to yesterday, when he spoke of his mouth on Castiel’s penis? It was sinfully delightful! Castiel could never have imagined how amazing it would feel to have someone’s mouth on him like this. He had trouble controlling his reaction. He thrust his hips upward into Dean’s mouth, needing more. But Dean placed his arm across Castiel’s lower abdomen, holding him in place. His other hand came up, playing oh-so-gently with Castiel’s testicles. He was driving Castiel wild with pleasure! In all his times touching himself in secret, Castiel had never known how good it could feel. Forget the fires of Hell. This was worth whatever eternal punishment he would receive. All Castiel wanted, for the rest of his life, was to spend his life with this amazing man. 

“Dean, I’m-” Castiel’s warning was cut off by a moan. Dean sped up his pace, taking Castiel’s entire length in his mouth and throat. He swallowed around Castiel and that was all it took. Castiel lost himself in the ecstasy of yet another orgasm.

\-- D --

Dean could watch Castiel cum for the rest of his life and never get bored. The sight was so beautiful. Castiel, who had been so uptight and closed-off when they first met, letting loose and letting his guard down so completely. The site was so intoxicating that Dean wanted to make him cum again and again. 

After swallowing down every last bit of cum, Dean pulled off of Castiel and moved back up the bed. Castiel scooted up, too, almost bonelessly. He reached the top of the bed and pulled Dean into him, holding him tightly. Dean relished the feeling of Castiel in his arms.

“Dean, that felt so good,” Castiel breathed. “I want to make you feel good, too.” 

“Cas, I feel great. Watching you cum is the most beautiful sight on earth.” 

“But, you didn’t get to orgasm,” Cas whined almost petulantly. 

“Well, I won’t argue if you want to help me out with that,” Dean said light-heartedly. He gasped as Cas’s hand wrapped itself around Dean’s cock. Knowing that yesterday had been Cas’s first time with a partner, Dean was surprised that he was so willing to make a move. Dean moaned filthily as Cas twisted his wrist on the upstroke. 

“Dean, I want…” Cas hesitated. Dean’s eyes flew open and he looked at Cas, who was averting his gaze.

“What do you want, Cas? Tell me,” Dean pleaded.

“I want to… put my mouth on you. Like you did for me. I just don’t know how. I want to be good enough for you, Dean.” Castiel admitted, still not making eye contact. Dean surged forward, pulling Cas into a feverish kiss. 

“You’re already good enough for me, Cas. Too good! But, if you want me to, I’ll walk you through it,” Dean said, pulling back just enough to get the words out. Castiel nodded shyly before pulling back and shifting their positions so that he was on top of Dean. 

Dean watched in awe and reverence as Cas peppered kisses all over his body. He rejoiced in the feeling of Castiel’s lip all over his body. It was driving him crazy just thinking of Castiel being willing to do this for him. 

As Castiel neared his cock, he took a steadying breath. “I got you, Cas,” Dean told him. “I’m here for you.” Castiel nodded. 

The image of Castiel looking up at Dean like this was so beautiful. Maybe his favorite new image in the world. Then, slowly, Castiel lowered his head and took Dean into his mouth. Dean gasped, the pleasure nearly overwhelming him. Cas pulled off for a moment. “Was that okay?” He asked, alarmed.

“Absolutely, Cas! It felt great!” Dean said, leaning up on his elbows and smiling down at the wonderful man he was planning to share his life with. 

“Oh… I thought…” Cas blushed and looked down. 

“It was a good reaction, trust me,” Dean reassured him.

“Yeah. Okay,” Cas took a steadying breath and began again, taking Dean’s cock into his mouth. Dean laid back onto the bed and sucked in a breath. Cas paused before hesitantly sucking. Dean moaned filthily and writhed on the bed. 

He glanced down to see Cas look quite pleased with himself before continuing his actions. Just the thought that Dean was the first and only person Cas had ever done this with was intoxicating. That thought alone was enough to drive Dean to the edge. 

Minutes later, Dean gave a warning before he came. Cas pulled away quickly before taking a steadying breath and then bravely swallowing down most of Dean’s release. It was, by far, the most errotic and intense orgasm Dean had ever had. 

\-- C --

It had been a little scary but not altogether unpleasant to have his mouth on Dean’s manhood as he orgasmed. Castiel wondered, for a moment, what the big draw was. But, a moment later, he looked up and saw the expression on Dean’s face and he knew then and there: he would do this everyday if it meant that he got to see Dean looking so happy and warm. 

He crawled up the bed and laid next to Dean, just watching him catch his breath with a smile on his face. Dean’s eyes opened a bit, heavy looking in such bliss, and his smile widened. “That was amazing, Cas!” Dean said, pulling Castiel into him and holding tightly. Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. He had wanted to be good enough. But to be “amazing” was more than he could have hoped for. 

They lay there, in silence, for a few minutes, just bathing in the warmth of each other’s company. Castiel knew that life wouldn’t always be this perfect, that even today they had to face the reality of telling his family the truth, but he left himself pretend that it would always be like this. 

\-- D --

After what seemed like just a blink but was probably too long in reality, Dean shifted slightly away from Cas and sat up. “We need to get cleaned up,” he said, eyeing Cas, who still looked blissed out on the bed next to him. 

“Yes. I know,” Castiel replied, resigned. “I just don’t want to leave this perfect moment.” 

“Neither do I,” Dean smiled, turning and running his hands through Castiel’s hair. “But if we don’t shower before breakfast, we’ll either end up with cum dried on us all day, which is a disgusting feeling, or we’ll be mid-shower when someone comes looking for us and then they’ll definitely know what’s going on. Your father did ask for discretion, after all.” 

“Ugh. Very true.” Castiel sat up slowly and ran his fingers up and down Dean’s bare back. Dean leaned into the touch, loving the feeling. “It would probably be wise if we didn’t shower together, though,” Cas informed him. “I don’t know if we would actually spend time showering if we were in there together. Perhaps we should take turns.” 

“Makes sense,” Dean chuckled. “You first?” 

“Sure,” Cas agreed. He lightly planted a kiss on Dean’s shoulder as he got out of bed and made his way toward the bathroom. 

“I like this view!” Dean commented, as he stared at Cas’s bare ass while Cas walked away. 

“And that,” Cas said, waggling a finger at Dean, “is why we’re not showering together.” 

Dean just laughed and laid back, waiting for his turn to shower.


	10. Daed's News

\-- C --

Just as Dean was emerging from the bathroom, freshly showered and clothed, the breakfast bell rang out. They didn’t normally ring the breakfast bell unless someone was out working in the fields, so Castiel was left to assume that his father had told Hannah to ring the bell as a way of letting Castiel and Dean know when to come in for their morning meal. 

Castiel felt a weight pulling his stomach down. In just a few minutes, he would have to tell his siblings that he was not only gay, but that he was the reason they were leaving this life behind and uprooting themselves from everything they knew. He felt a cold fear wash over him. He hadn’t felt this terrified since the moment his Daed had informed him of his Mamm’s death. 

Suddenly, a warm body was pressed against his entire back. Dean’s arms wrapped around him, encircling him gently and lovingly. “Hey, it’s going to be okay, Cas,” Dean reassured him. 

“I know. It’s just… scary.” 

“Change always is,” Dean responded sagely. “But we’ve got each other. And your family is coming with us. We’re really getting the best case scenario, here.” 

“True.” Castiel leaned back against Dean and hummed in appreciation of the feeling of their bodies together. They fit together so perfectly. Like they were meant to be together. Castiel would just hold onto that thought as he faced his family today.

\-- D --

Dean could feel Castiel’s emotions radiating off of him like waves. In just a few short days, Dean had learned how to read Castiel like a book. Either Cas had opened up more thoroughly and quickly than any lover had before or Dean had been too distant to read Castiel when they first met. 

Dean squeezed Castiel lovingly once more before releasing him and opening the front door to the cottage. Castiel swallowed and nodded at Dean before heading out. Dean wanted so badly to hold Castiel’s hand and bolster his courage, but he knew he couldn't. Every touch they shared here in Ohio would have to be in secret. Dean didn’t want to give the community reason to gossip or spread negative rumors before the Yoders left. 

Dean followed behind Castiel, but not close enough to cause suspicion. He kept his distance, as though still a stranger to the man. Though no one was outside to observe them, Dean didn’t want to risk being seen too close. 

When they entered the house, everything seemed normal. Cas’s sisters were just finishing setting the food on the table. Chuck was seated in his usual spot at the head of the table. He had saved the two sets on his left for Castiel and Dean. Dean chose the second seat, since Samandriel had the seat next to it and Dean figured the kid wanted Dean to sit by him. He was rewarded with a smile from little Sammy. Castiel took the seat directly next to his father, who smiled kindly at the two of them. Dean breathed a sigh of relief and felt Cas relax marginally. 

Once everyone was settled, Chuck cleared his throat loudly to get their attention. “Children, today is a very special day for our family. You all don’t know it yet, but I’ll explain why. First, please help yourselves to food and then I’d like to speak to you all.” 

Dean watched as Castiel’s siblings, save for Gabriel, exchanged confused looks. The girls looked positively confused while Balthazar and Raphael looked almost passive. Michael looked put out, but Dean figured that Michael was just a negative person and always overreacted to things. 

\-- C --

Castiel watched with trepidation as his siblings served themselves food and began eating silently. The air in the room seemed tense to Castiel. He felt like he was facing down the biggest change of his life. Which, in a way, was true. Apart from the day his Mamm died and the day his Daed announced they would be hosting English boarders, this was the biggest day of tumult in Castiel’s life. 

“Children,” Daed’s voice broke the silence and Castiel tensed. “We are moving.” 

“What?”

“Why?”

“Where are we going?” 

“Why are we leaving?”

Castiel listened to the chorus of confusion and questions from his siblings. Only he, Dean, Daed, and Gabriel remained silent. 

Once the cacophony died down, Daed spoke again. “The Bishop has, for a long time, been threatening to shun us.” Castiel heard several of his siblings gasp. “For many reasons. I suppose, in reality, he never needed a real reason. This community has, for a long time, not wanted our family to be a part of it. Therefore, I have decided to sell the property and move.” 

“Are we moving to another district?” Michael asked, incredulous. 

“No, son. We are moving to Kansas. We are leaving the faith.” Daed’s answer to Michael was met with even more noise and chaos. Castiel tried to listen to individual reactions, but there was simply too much noise for him to hear any single response. “I know you are all shocked by this! It was not an easy decision to come to. Trust me. And I know this is a huge decision that greatly impacts all of your lives. I would not have made it lightly, I promise you.” 

“Daed, how can we leave the faith?! How can we become worldly and live as heathens?” Michael insisted. 

“My son,” Daed’s voice was calm and soothing. “We would not be allowed to stay here much longer anyway. It’s better to leave before we are thrown out. At least if we leave on our own, I can sell this place and we’ll have enough money to move. Who knows how things would be handled if we were to be shunned. We may not be able to find a viable buyer.”

“But why would we be shunned? What have we done?” Michael demanded.

Castiel noticed Dean put a hand on Samandriel’s back, patting him comfortingly. Castiel felt guilty. Not for Michael’s anger. He knew Michael would take the news poorly. But for Sammy’s grief or fear or whatever emotion was causing Dean to have to comfort him. 

“My son, we have done nothing wrong. It is this community that is wrong. They have never welcomed us. Every time we’ve done something even slightly to their disliking, they’ve used it as an excuse to be rude and unneighborly. Who built our barns? Who helped after your Mamm died? Who has allowed their sons to court your sisters? Other than help from Josiah and, at rare times, Elijah Miller’s sons, we have had no one who has treated us like part of this community.” 

The table went quiet at this, as each of his siblings contemplated the truth of their father’s words. Castiel made eye contact with Gabriel, who was smiling. Castiel raised his eyebrows, wondering what thought was behind his brother’s smile. Gabriel nodded over at Samandriel, who was hugging Dean’s arm tightly and smiling up at him. Then he nodded to Hannah, who had secretly untied her kapp and was letting her hair out of its usual bun. Then to Raphael and Balthazar, who were going about eating their breakfasts as if nothing had changed. 

Castiel watched as Anna rose to her feet and circled the table to stand next to their father. Chuck waited, unsure of what was behind his daughter’s movement. Then, without warning, she threw her arms around her father and laughed out loud, relief flooding her face. “Oh, Daed! This is blessed news, indeed!” She said loudly, laughing through her words. Castiel watched Hannah’s face light up, elated that her big sister was also relieved at this news. 

“Thank you, my Anna.” Daed hugged his eldest daughter tightly, as tears came to both of their eyes. 

“At a singing a few years ago, Jonathan Epstein told me that no man would ever marry myself or Hannah. That our family was the shame of the district and that we would die old maids. I’ve tried to have high spirits ever since, but it’s been weighing on me terribly. I thought I would die an old maid in this house!” Castiel reached over and grabbed his sister’s hand. She startled for a second before turning to look at him. “Castiel? You’re okay with this?” 

“Ya,” he replied. “I very much am.” He looked to his father for permission. Daed nodded. “I have something to tell you all.” The table grew quiet again. “Daed is doing this to protect me. I mean, it doesn’t invalidate all of his other reasons for us leaving. But if you’re wondering why now, when we’ve put up with castiagation from our neighbors for so long, the reason is…” Castiel turned to Dean, who smiled at him lovingly. He grabbed Dean’s hand, intertwining their fingers and holding them up for his siblings to see. “Dean and I are in love. We’re going to court and live together and, hopefully someday, marry. This wouldn’t be possible if we stayed here. So Daed’s agreed that it’s finally time for us to move on. 

“Dean’s family will help us get acclimated to the outside world and to get settled at our new home in Kansas. His uncle has jobs for us older bruders. I’m sure they’ll help the schwesters find jobs as well.”

“We will,” Dean chimed in, looking nervously around the table. 

For a moment, there was silence as his siblings took in this new information. Castiel wished desperately that he could read minds and know how each of them felt. He wanted to know if they could reconcile their love for him with the teachings they’ve been raised to believe in. Could they overcome the thought that homosexuality was a sin and still love him for who he was? 

The question was answered, in part, when Samandriel practically threw himself into Dean’s side and hugged him tightly. “You’re going to be my bruder!!” Sammy shouted. Dean just laughed and hugged him back. 

“He is going to be an awesome bruder!” Raphael piped up. 

“Yeah! I had a great time with him yesterday! Dean’s cool!” Balthazar said. 

“Balth!” Hannah exclaimed, laughing. “Where did you learn that word? I’ve never known you to use slang before. “

“Gabe uses it!” Balthazar retorted it. “Besides, we’re not Amish anymore. I can stop pretending to be such a goody goody and actually be myself.” With that, he removed his hat and hung it on the back of his chair. “You’re one to talk, anyway!” He stuck his tongue out at Hannah. “You took off your kapp and put your hair down as soon as Daed said it!” 

“Well, yes,” Hannah laughed. “Do you know how much of a headache that bun gives me? It’s dreadful!” She laughed. 

All around the table, Castiel saw relief and happiness. Only Michael remained sullen and silent. Castiel had anticipated that much. What he hadn’t anticipated was that his admission would be so glossed over and accepted as normal. He had thought he’d have to argue and plead. Yet, here he sat, among the laughter of his siblings bickering like it was any other day. 

Castiel turned to Dean, who had undoubtedly noticed the same thing, and smiled. The two men let their gazes linger this time, finally allowed to do so. 

“Well, aren’t you two just the most adorable thing ever?” Anna teased, waving her hand between them to break their stares. Castiel blushed and looked down as Dean threw his head back and laughed. 

“So, it’s okay?” Castiel asked seriously, looking from sibling to sibling. He got nods and words of assent from all of them, except for Michael. Michael? Bruder? Are you okay with this?” 

“I don’t have much choice, I suppose,” Michael said quietly. “I don’t hate you. Or Dean. And my concerns from last night, of people shunning us for worldly behaviors aren’t a factor anymore. I’m not happy to leave, but not because I want to stay. Only because I’m afraid I’m too old to change my ways. How will I live in the world?” Michael inquired. 

The entire room had gone quiet, everyone understanding Michael’s fears. 

“I’ll help you,” Dean offered. 

“But why?” Michael looked up, confused. “You have no reason to. I’ve been nothing but rude to you since you arrived here.” 

“Because that’s what family does, Michael. They help one another. I can’t promise that getting used to the world out there will be easy. But I think you can do it. And I’ll help. So will my brother, he’s closer to your age. And our friend Jo. She’s your age. She’ll definitely help you. We all will.” 

“Denki,” Michael replied quietly, still not looking happy but at least looking more convinced than before. 

“My children,” Daed spoke up again, “I know this will be a big change. Your emotions will waiver and you’ll go back and forth about how much you enjoy it or hate it. That will be expected. It will be a big change for myself as well. But I think this is what’s best for our family.” Everyone nodded. If not totally agreeing, at least accepting. “But, for now, we must remain as we were. We shall stick to our ways and routines that we’ve always had. We shall not let anyone know that we are leaving. We will make our arrangements in secret, so as not to give anyone reason to be suspicious or spread rumors. I want our departure to be as amiable as we can make it. But, once we leave, we cannot return here. So I want you all to make your peace with that.” Everyone nodded again. “Your may not yet wear worldly clothes. At least until we’ve left here. But we will purchase them before we leave. Girls, you are to keep your hair up and your kapps on. Boys, you are to wear your hats until we leave here. Tomorrow, at church, not a word about this decision. Agreed?” 

They all agreed. Everyone returned to their seats and their meals and everything returned to a state of normalcy.


	11. Epilogue

\-- D --

The Yoders had sold their farm and left earlier than intended. They had all set out in June, a month before they had intended to. They’d found a large house about ten miles away from Bobby’s. Dean had helped them pack up and shop for new clothes. Dean had taught the oldest five kids and Chuck how to drive and helped them pass their license tests and purchase cars. 

On On their way through St Louis, they all stopped for haircuts. Anna chose a simple, shoulder-length cut while Hannah went more drastic, choosing a bob. The men all cut their hair shorter and Chuck even trimmed most of his long beard, still leaving enough to stylishly hug his face. 

Dean could hardly believe that Castiel could have gotten any hotter. But, with his new, wilder haircut, and his modern clothes that fit him snugly, he was like a walking wet dream. 

Dean was still in awe that the Yoders decided to make such a big change. He marveled at how brave they were to make such a big change. And he thanked his lucky stars for allowing this fortunate change of events in his life. He couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone else as much as he loved Cas. 

He’d warned Bobby and Sam that the Yoders were coming with him when he came home. He’d driven out to Dover, where he got better reception, two months ago and had a long phone conversation with Sammy. So he wasn’t surprised, as their convoy of cars came up Bobby’s driveway, to see the house lit up and other cars there. Apparently, Bobby and Sam had planned a welcome home party for them all. 

As they made their way up the front steps, Cas put a hand on the small of Dean’s back. “Thank you, Dean For everything.” 

“It’s my pleasure, Cas. If it means I get to keep you, it’s all worth it.” They exchanged a loving kiss before opening the door and being greeted by everyone who was important in Dean’s life. It was one of the best days of Dean’s entire life.


End file.
